4 rules of communication without aggression

The key to successful communication is speaking clearly. It would seem so simple, but more often we indulge in verbose abstract reasoning and almost never talk about what we feel at the moment. When we splash out on the interlocutor everything that we have accumulated, his attention weakens: he drowns in the stream of our words. Clarity and accuracy are the main principles of the “non-violent communication” method developed by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg.

Having mastered its four basic rules (nonjudgmental observation; acknowledging our feelings, identifying the needs associated with these feelings, and formulating specific requests), we will learn to speak so that the interlocutor can hear and understand us. And as a result, communication with partners and children, parents, friends and colleagues will become effective. Worth a try!

1. See the facts with an open mind

Involuntarily, we note in the behavior of another person what bothers us (irritates, offends): in a childish mess; the partner returned home late again … And we conclude: disorder is evidence of laziness, being late is a manifestation of disrespect. “It’s important to see the situation objectively and not judge it,” says Marshall Rosenberg.

The Indian sage Krishnamurti generally considered observation without evaluation to be the highest form of thinking. “When I read about this,” says the psychologist, “what nonsense!” flashed through my head: faster than I realized the meaning of Krishnamurti’s words, I made an assessment of them.

Indeed, it is not easy to perceive other people, their words and actions without making judgments. By evaluating, generalizing (“you always…”), exaggerating, labeling, we narrow our perception of the other person and fail to communicate constructively.

“Value judgments cause a strong emotional protest in the interlocutor, an involuntary desire to defend themselves,” explains psychotherapist and social psychologist Margarita Zhamkochyan. – That is why in response we often hear something sharp, rude. Our words are perceived as an attack and cause the only desire – to defend ourselves. A statement of fact, a simple description of what we see, on the contrary, helps to avoid misunderstandings and quarrels. Our interlocutor has a choice, freedom of maneuver. Marshall Rosenberg proposes to replace evaluation with observation. Instead of meaningless and offensive accusations (“You never finish the job to the end!”, “You are just a bum!”), You can limit yourself to the words: “The job is not done.” Is it hard the first time? Still would! After all, we are accustomed to evaluate and judge each other.

2. Acknowledge your feelings

Ask yourself: “Why does this mess (this being late) hurt me?” Listen to yourself, figure out how you feel in relation to the situation (anger at the sight of a mess, sadness because of a partner’s forgetfulness), instead of guessing why loved ones act the way they do (“My child is bullying me”, “My partner is me neglected”).

“Each of us is able to distinguish many nuances of our experiences,” says Margarita Zhamkochyan. – The difficulty lies in the fact that in many cultures there is a taboo: talking about yourself and your feelings is awkward, indecent and borders on narcissism. In addition, most of us grew up in families where feelings were not considered something important, and today we often “hide”, push them out.”

“Understanding our feelings means clarifying what is alive in us,” states Marshall Rosenberg, “but at the same time allowing the other to feel like a subject of the relationship. For example, by recognizing our vulnerability, we recognize the right to vulnerability in the interlocutor. In addition, by talking about ourselves, we invite the other to speak openly about how he feels.

“I’m upset” or “I’m worried when you are late” – there are many phrases that will allow the interlocutor to express their position in response (“Listen, but this is my room!”; “I don’t always have the opportunity to call”). Only by listening to our experiences, we will find a way to another.

3. Express your needs

“But, of course, we can’t stop there, because our feelings hide the needs and values ​​that brought them to life,” says Margarita Zhamkochyan. “And when someone evaluates us or questions our needs with their act, we instantly react with fireworks of emotions. Only by unraveling this tangle of experiences, recognizing and naming them, can we take the next step – to understand what needs have been disturbed and even infringed in this communication.

Having understood ourselves, it is easier for us to understand the desires of another: the fundamental needs (for love, recognition, security …) are the same for all of us. “I need order and comfort in the house,” the parent will say; “It is important for me to know that you value me,” the spouse will add.

“In non-aggressive communication, the first thought is always about yourself,” adds Marshall Rosenberg. So we inevitably have to deal with our own fears and our true needs. This passion for order, perhaps, comes from my childhood? What am I really afraid of being alone in the evening?

4. Formulate your requests

It’s time to ask the other person to act in a way that takes into account your feelings and needs without prejudice to them. Be careful to avoid negative statements: phrases like “I won’t have any more mess in your room!”, “Don’t you dare be late!” do not bring a positive result – on the contrary, they increase resistance.

The request should be expressed clearly and name specific positive actions: “I want you to take off your clothes and immediately put them in the closet”, “I want you to call when you are late.” Vague, abstract, ambiguous statements cause only confusion. Conversely, the more clearly we communicate what we want to get, the more likely we are to get it.

“But there is one danger,” warns Marshall Rosenberg. – What we say and what our interlocutor hears do not always coincide. Therefore, it is so important to understand whether our words were heard. And for this we need to ask the other to formulate how he understood our request, to express his point of view on the situation, observing the four rules (observation, sensation, need, request).

The art of communication lies precisely in constantly checking how accurately we understand each other. This is the most painful part of the method: endless paraphrasing may seem ridiculous to some. “I am grateful to you for telling me what you heard. I see that I did not express myself clearly enough, and I will try to reformulate my thought … ”But these phrases are a classic of the method! They cause irritation where there is no true empathy, empathy.

To avoid “power” relations, it is important to perceive the interlocutor as an ally, not an enemy. Once we have established ourselves in this, we can immediately forget about technology. But in order to cultivate such an intention, there is nothing better than … a method of non-violent communication. And if you apply the process of four steps in internal dialogue, it will allow you to learn to empathize with yourself – because without it there is no empathy for another.

Preachers of nonviolence

Carl Rogers: Empathize and be yourself