4 Reasons You’re Still Single

One day I was sitting in a cafe with a friend, and while we were enjoying coffee and buns, she said: “I still haven’t met anyone. Because she’s fat and ugly.» I love my girlfriend and I understand that this is a real fear, she really sees herself like this and believes that she is lonely because of this.

But I know she’s wrong. Because there are a lot of loving couples of all stripes and ages around. They were attracted to each other by something that does not depend on the size of clothes and the «correct» features. Perhaps this is some kind of internal attractiveness that makes a potential partner’s knees tremble at a meeting or even at the sound of your voice on the phone.

So why is my girlfriend single? She says she goes on dates often, but the ones she likes the most disappear quickly.

Years of working as a hypnotherapist led me to the conclusion that it’s not about what we do, but what part of the soul does it. Two of us seem to coexist in each of us: the first is a mature, wise, self-confident person and his desires; the second is small, doubtful and frightened, who believes that life is hard, «no one cares about my opinion» and «no one loves me.»

If a second character seizes power on a date, it is doomed to fail. A potential partner is like a mirror reflecting our perception of ourselves. Like attracts like. And if we need a different reflection, we need to change our perception.

So what should a girlfriend and everyone else do to find love? Deal with mental obstacles coming from insecurity. Once they are gone, the path to love will be clear.

What internal problems do single women have?

1. Fear of being abandoned.

“My father left me when I was little, which means I am not worthy of his love and he does not care about me. The rest of the men will be the same.» He really left, and it was painful and hard, but this does not characterize your personality and does not mean that no one will love you. On the contrary, this experience may highlight your desire to build strong, trusting relationships. You want it, you will get it.

2. Fear of repeating the unhappy marriage of parents.

“They had a terrible relationship, they constantly fought, I was not able to improve relations in our family in order to feel safe.” Perhaps it was all so, and it scared you. But that doesn’t mean you weren’t safe. You were not responsible for their relationship. These were their problems, and they dealt with them as best they could.

This fear from childhood makes it difficult to understand that you yourself are responsible for the relationship. And here you can change a lot — it’s your relationship, not your parents. And you can create an atmosphere in which you feel safe.

3. Fear of losing yourself in a relationship.

“Mother controlled every step and word of father. As a result, he stopped arguing with her and seemed to have lost the right to vote. I am just like my father, but I don’t want to lose my independence.” You can’t know exactly what happened between the parents. In any case, their actions were influenced by their childhood traumas. But you are a different person, your childhood was not the same as that of your parents. You are free and independent and being in a relationship, and in the status of «loner». Knowing that you can calmly express your desires and preferences to a future partner, you can relax and let love into your life.

4. Fear of repeating previous «bad» relationships.

“I had a terrible marriage. My husband mistreated me and I’m afraid it might happen again.» Say firmly that this will not happen, you are not the person you used to be. You have realized a lot and better understand what you want in a relationship and what you don’t. Now is the time to let go of the past to allow a happy future to come to you.

About the author: Katherine Agranovich is a hypnotherapist and holistic therapist.