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How does improper upbringing in childhood prevent you from appreciating yourself and your achievements in adulthood? Why do comparisons with others and other parental mistakes form insecure people?
Many children grow up in an environment where family, teachers, friends, classmates, and other important people say they are not good enough. Some of these messages are expressed explicitly, others are broadcast in a veiled form. Often the child is not aware that something bad is happening. Here are four common reasons that stem from childhood and make you feel unworthy and unsuccessful.
1. You were treated like you were worthless.
Some parents and other significant figures consider the child as their subordinate or part of the property. They abuse the child, subject him to physical, sexual, verbal or emotional abuse. Often the consequences are lifelong.
Many children are brought up as if their main goal is to meet the needs of their parents. If children perform poorly in this role, they are punished, shamed and forced to obey, manipulating guilt. It is not surprising that such people grow up with a disturbed sense of self and a broken self-esteem, which causes psychological and behavioral problems.
2. You were judged by unrealistic standards.
Adults often judge children by very high standards that they themselves cannot live up to. One example is school. Parents expect their child to excel in all subjects. Otherwise, he is called “problematic” and further traumatized by punishment and rejection.
Similar examples are found in family life. Parents expect the child to fulfill the specific role they have been assigned. Children are forced to follow unnecessary and even contradictory rules. Often children are forced to take responsibility for something they cannot change. As a result, they develop a state of chronic guilt and shame that haunts them into adulthood.
3. You were compared to others
Parents and teachers often compare children to force them to change their behavior: “Why can’t you be like your brother/sister?” “Tim is such a good boy, I wish I had such a son”, “Sofia is such a sweet girl, and you are just spoiled and disobedient.”
But when they compare their children to others and create an atmosphere of competition, it only adds to the uncertainty, anxiety, and suspicion. Children feel inferior and unworthy. In adulthood, such a person continues to compulsively compare himself with others and develops a sense of inferiority or, conversely, superiority over others.
4. You have been taught to be helpless.
Some children are raised to remain dependent on their parents despite their age. They are overprotected, controlled and not allowed to make independent decisions. They are not allowed to experiment, explore the world, and make mistakes, so these kids grow up feeling like they are no good at anything. In adulthood, such a person feels little control over his own life, because in childhood, adults carefully controlled his every step.
In psychology, this condition is called learned helplessness. The bottom line is that parents raise the child in such a way that he does not become completely independent. Thanks to this, he will remain close to his parents and will continue to satisfy their needs. Parents behave this way because they have an old unresolved fear of being abandoned.
Consequences of living in such an environment
In response to such circumstances, people develop mechanisms of protection and survival. Some begin to please everyone and sacrifice their own interests because from childhood they were taught to care for others and suppress their true needs, emotions, interests and preferences. Others turn into narcissistic personalities who view the people around them as things to be used. Still others do not know how to live in the present, slow down and relax. They always feel like they have to achieve more or have more. Some get stuck in a state of helpless victim and lead a passive life.
It always seems to such people that something is not right. They feel unworthy, their life is not good enough, there is always something to worry about. They feel like they need to try harder. They find it difficult to find true satisfaction with life. Many people do not recognize their childhood misfortunes and inner pain. Letting go of old roles and defense mechanisms is difficult, and many fail to do so. Those who strive to become the best version of themselves and overcome the consequences of a painful upbringing eventually reap the rewards of active work on themselves and find happiness.
Darij Sikanavičius is a consultant psychologist and personal growth coach.