No matter how much you love each other, conflicts are inevitable in a relationship. Sometimes a partner does something mind-boggling or just does something that annoys you. You start to sort things out. What should not be said, even if you are seriously angry?
“Disagreements in relationships are normal,” says New York-based clinical psychologist Alden Cass, author of Thinking Big: How to Survive and Succeed on Wall Street. Another thing is when partners during a conflict begin to show disrespect.
Biting insults thrown in the heat of a quarrel leave both emotional wounds and guilt. This begins to destroy the love and care that is the foundation for a healthy relationship. Therefore, at the moment of contention, it is important to follow the speech, to avoid phrases that can deeply hurt the partner. By saying them, you add fuel to the fire and risk turning a minor conflict into a quarrel that threatens to break off relations.
1. “Yes, I have many reasons to be angry with you!”
“You should not accumulate anger about the various misconduct and transgressions of a partner in order to express claims to him right away,” Cass writes. By presenting a long list of grievances, you create a pretext for aggravating the conflict. You are not a detective to collect evidence and evidence against a partner for a long time, calculating patterns of his behavior for an indictment? This will not benefit anyone, and it will be difficult for your partner to adequately perceive your words. Therefore, either express your claims directly at the moment when he committed an inappropriate offense, or forgive him and forget about what happened.
2. “You always do this” or “You never do this”
If you throw such words, most often the conversation turns into an argument over formal details. Does the partner really never do the dishes? Or maybe he or she neglected this duty last week because of an emergency at work or some other difficulties?
“Saying words like “always” or “never” ignores all the good that your partner does for you. This will infuriate him or her and hold a grudge against you,” writes Cass in the book. “Focusing on a single negative thing (dirty dishes) and forgetting about all the positive things (neatly folded laundry after washing, flowers for a birthday), you make a mistake called mental filtering.” Instead of generalizing, expressing claims, focus on a specific situation or act of a partner.
3. “Yes, you’re just the last (th) **!”
Swearing and insults can cause a lot of pain – at first it hurt you, so you said something very unpleasant and rude, after which your partner also hurt. Mutual insults are a completely unproductive way to resolve differences.
“Stormy emotions cloud the mind and provoke a partner to an equally violent reaction. Nothing good will come of it,” says Cass. – Even in the heat of a quarrel, do not stoop to personal insults against your partner. This is, by definition, disrespectful. If you make yourself an indestructible principle – to respect your partner, no matter what happens, then your quarrels will have much less negative consequences.
Discuss specific problems, inappropriate behavior of a partner in some situations, but do not get personal.
4. “I’m leaving!”
“Things like that are not acceptable,” Cass warns. – To blackmail with the possibility of a break, if you do not want and are not going to leave, is unethical. Threats cause anxiety and put the future of the relationship in question.”
By saying “I want to leave,” you make it clear that you are very unhappy with something, but do not say what. If you don’t want to leave, and you throw threats in the heat of the moment, you need to calm down and cool down before continuing to sort things out.