4 exercises to turn a toxic relationship into a healthy one

There are two ways to end a toxic relationship. The first is to break up with your partner and build a future life with someone else. The second is to view relationship problems as an opportunity for your own spiritual growth.

Despite the fact that in such a relationship you are on opposite sides of the barricades, the couple can still have a future. And a good future. But this will only work if you acknowledge the problem and both are willing to learn understanding and respect, to accept each other as they are. If not, very quickly you will move from the “holding hands” phase to the “pointing at each other with a finger” phase.

If you are suffocated by your partner’s «closeness» or are tormented by the fact that you are being deliberately ignored, the best thing to do is to calmly and frankly talk about it. By exploring together the moments that cause one of you pain or discomfort, you can not only get to know each other better, but also better understand what everyone really needs and whether you can give it.

Exercise №1: Talk

This is not trivial advice. If one or both of you feel bad in a relationship, discuss the experience with your partner first.

Important: there can be no right and wrong answers, everyone perceives the situation in their own way and has the right to do so. The essence of the exercise is not to come to a consensus, but to enable you to hear and understand each other. If you have different points of view, this is normal, they both have the right to exist.

As long as we believe that the truth is only on our side, we will not be able to hear and understand the feelings of another. But assuming the idea that the partner can also be right, we will discover a new path for ourselves that will lead to a joint search for a solution. Every conflict has two sides. As soon as we accept this idea and stop considering our judgments as the ultimate truth, it becomes easier for us to understand our partner.

How to do the exercise. Think back to your last fight and rate how you felt on a scale from 1 (“that’s how I felt”) to 5 (“I didn’t feel anything like it”):

• I defended myself.
• I was sad.
• I felt misunderstood.
• It hurted me.
• I felt that I was being criticized.
• I felt rejected.
• I wanted to leave.
• I felt that my opinion didn’t matter.
• I was worried.
• I was lonely.

Think about what caused these feelings. Rate the reasons that could have caused them, on a scale from 1 («that’s exactly what I felt») to 5 («I did not experience anything like this»):

• I felt unimportant to my partner.
• I felt cold towards my partner.
• I felt like I was being rejected.
• I felt that too much was being asked of me.
• I felt that my partner did not let me near him.
• I didn’t feel any closeness between us.
• I didn’t feel attached.
• I felt that my self-esteem had been hurt.
• I couldn’t get my partner’s attention.
• I felt that the partner was trying to dominate.

Exercise #2: Look into the past

If you have managed to understand your emotional reactions, it’s time to go back in time. Unhealed wounds from past relationships or relationships with parents can affect how we communicate with a loved one, react to his words and actions. Try to find a connection between present reactions and past events.

Important: If you have ever experienced sexual abuse, harassment or other serious psychological trauma and your partner does not know about it, now is the time to tell him everything. When we share our pain with a loved one, it helps him to understand us and our reactions much better and allows you to build communication more accurately and consciously.

How to do the exercise. Assess which of these statements best describe how you feel. When your partner hurt you, it reminded you:

• About previous relationships that ended badly.
• About past emotional and psychological traumas.
• About how your parents treated you.
• About the deepest fears.
• About unfulfilled dreams.
• About events that you have not yet been able to come to terms with.
• About how other people treated you.
• About all the bad things that you yourself think about yourself.
• Nightmares that keep you awake.

Study each other’s answers, take your time, ask open-ended questions so that the answer allows you to better understand your loved one. This is not a competition about who is worse or who is more right, but a way to understand the deepest fears and injuries of a partner, to give and receive support. If he tells you something shocking, ask him to tell you more about the feelings and experiences associated with this event. One answer will do better than years of trying to figure out why he behaves the way he does.

Exercise #3: Write down your points of view

Briefly state your position and the position of your partner regarding the quarrel on paper. Once you do this, you will see that everyone has their own vision of the situation. We are all complex people, and emotional reactions are determined by past experiences, expectations, and desires.

Exercise #4: Define your role

When something goes wrong in a relationship, we begin to look for the reason in the partner and blame him for everything. Actually no one is to blame. To get out of the circle of mutual accusations, both must take responsibility for what is happening and recognize that they are playing a role. To figure out which one, use the list of reasons that could cause you to have an increased need for intimacy or, conversely, an increased need for independence.

Important: do not move on to the exercise if you are angry and frustrated. When emotions run high, it is difficult to adequately assess what is happening and we are more likely to blame the partner. Try to focus on all the good things in the relationship.

Step 1: Determine what you are willing to take responsibility for. Rate the following statements on a scale from 1 (“that’s how I felt”) to 5 (“I didn’t experience anything like this”):

• Been very sensitive lately.
• Recently, I have shown little attention to my partner.
• Due to stress, I am constantly irritated.
• I often criticize my partner.
• I stopped telling my partner about what’s going on in my life.
• I feel depressed.
• I held a grudge against something.
• I stopped showing love and tenderness to my partner.
• I began to listen inattentively to my partner.

Step 2: Write down the conclusion for yourself: “Now I see that the problems in the relationship have arisen/aggravated, including due to the fact that I…”

Step 3: Write down how you can influence the situation to change for the better: “If this happens again, I can behave differently. For example, I will…”

Step 4: Offer your partner a way to help him avoid such problems in the future: “To prevent this from happening again, you can…”

The more sincerely you both do the exercise, the more you «turn around» to each other. You will begin to use the conflict to get closer, not to move away. Your emotional connection will become stronger, and as a result, the relationship will become so strong and conscious that together you can overcome any problem. This does not mean that you will never fight. Quarrels will not define your relationship and spoil it. You will learn how to use them for the benefit of the union.

These exercises will help you learn a lot about your partner and yourself. This will require some courage, because such a degree of openness makes you vulnerable. When partners seek security through blame and withdrawal, they think love is gone, but it isn’t—they let it go.

About the Author: Kyle Benson, Coach, Relationship Specialist.