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Each of us has our own basic needs. Those who have satisfied them live with meaning and pleasure. Learn to be more specific about what you need.
Each of us prioritizes in our own way, depending on our personal characteristics or personal history. But sometimes we ignore our deepest desires. If you experience an acute or vague feeling of dissatisfaction, then your needs are not clear to you yourself or they are suppressed by fears and erroneous ideas about yourself.
Coach Maria Makarushkina has been working with businessmen and politicians for 15 years. “Many men and women live their lives on autopilot that they can neither turn off nor reprogram,” says the coach. “Sometimes it happens because they once said no to their true desires, and more often because they simply did not have the courage to say yes to them.”
Art therapist Varvara Sidorova agrees with this: “As soon as we move away from our true values, suppress our needs, we open the doors to disappointment and apathy. Prolonged lack of contact with yourself can even lead to depression.
Systemic family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova notes that the loss of orientation happens within a couple as well. Therefore, it is often necessary to deal with prioritization by two people.
Personologist and transactional analyst Vadim Petrovsky, who specializes in working relationships, adds that “demotivation in the profession speaks of insufficient attention to one’s personal needs. And only if we manage to identify them, we can finally take the helm and direct our lives in the right direction.
Based on these points, we offer you four exercises created by our four experts that will allow you to determine your priorities.
Knowing yourself. Write your wishes
Think about what you want right now, and write down the first thing that comes to mind.
Maria Makarushkina is sure that the word “yes” is the main driving force behind our life scenario. It is important to say “yes” to your dreams, ambitions and the voice of intuition. It’s important to listen to yourself. She suggests doing a simple exercise that will inspire you to take further action and help you sort out tangled thoughts and desires.
An exercise
Take a piece of paper and sign it «My main desires.» Then complete this list:
Keyword #1
Keyword #2
Keyword #3
Keyword #4
Keyword #5
To do this, relax and think about your most basic needs: self-realization, relationships with a partner, work, family, your lifestyle … Do not try to analyze what comes to your mind, do not evaluate your thoughts, but listen to yourself.
Then, using a keyword (for example, «sea», «position»), write down each desire in the order that seems most appropriate to you. These words will become guidelines for later life and will help you in making any future decisions.
Couple relationships. Rethink your love relationships
“A couple is a changeable structure,” explains Inna Khamitova. “Even if its foundation is solid, the rest of this structure needs constant repair and additions. This, in fact, is the charm of a relationship in a couple, but this is also the reason for their instability. That is why it is so important to discuss the situation that has developed in a couple if signs of boredom and dissatisfaction begin to appear.
1. Time to listen to yourself
Ask yourself a few questions and write down the answers. What is missing in your relationship today: time, signs of attention, desire, surprise? What important thing have you lost over the years of living together? When was the last time you had a good time together? What exactly are you doing for relationships? When you have decided on your wishes for the future for your couple, share your thoughts with your partner.
2. Time to listen to each other
Choose a moment when both of you are calm and relaxed and ask your partner if they are ready to listen to you. After getting his consent, start the conversation by talking about what you find most enjoyable in your relationship, what pleases you the most. Then name all the things that you lack, while emphasizing that it is about your personal expectations. Use only the pronouns «I» and «me» (not «you»). Finally, ask your partner to think about your words and invite him to talk about it again later, when he himself comes to some conclusions.
When each of the two tells what they expect from a relationship, try to figure out together how to satisfy these desires. But you don’t have to come to a decision right away, you shouldn’t push yourself and your partner — everyone has the right to their own rhythm.
4. Time to sum up the first results
Have your relationships improved? Did you feel like you were being heard? What else can you do to make you feel better together? The purpose of this exercise is not to point out the faults of the other and list all the failures and omissions, but to continue to work together on relationships in the future and make new commitments to each other.
Job. Define Your Unconscious Attitudes
Do you feel the need for recognition, is it difficult for you to say “no”, do you fail to manage your time rationally?
“Transactional analysis shows that at work, each of us is controlled by one or another internal “driver”, says Vadim Petrovsky. There are five such attitudes, and in most cases one or two of them determine our reactions and actions. If it is possible to determine what they are, then their influence noticeably weakens. And then you can enjoy your work.
“Be perfect” mindset
Makes us pay close attention to detail and prevents us from taking risks. It leads to the appearance of anxiety, the formation of a defensive position and fawning over the leadership.
Your task: learn to take calculated risks.
«Try» setting
It leads to the fact that the concepts of «work» and «hard work» become synonymous, and the pleasure of work and the simplicity in achieving results seem unacceptable. It breeds a sacrificial attitude towards work and leads to burnout.
Your task: learn to distribute responsibilities and choose what you are most successful in.
Setting «please others»
Leads to dependence on other people, whose interests are ultimately more important than their own. It creates a position of submission, causes frustration (due to unspoken anger) and does not allow promotion.
Your task: learn to say “no” (to exorbitant workloads) and to say “yes” (to your own pleasure).
«Be strong» mindset
He leads real Stoics, who are ready, gritting their teeth, to move in a given direction. It forms the Teflon-type behavior (“water off a duck’s back from me”), which is very popular with tyrant bosses and shameless colleagues.
Your task: listen to your feelings (emotions and desires) and openly declare your rights.
Installation «hurry up!»
It is characteristic of anxious natures who find it difficult to concentrate. The thought that they are wasting their time terrifies them. This attitude negatively affects self-esteem and does not allow success due to a lack of concentration and perseverance.
Your task: slow down and calmly assess the situation, having decided on your desires and skills.
Creation. Create an album of your talents
According to Varvara Sidorova, “something brings joy to each of us: hobbies, communication, friends, travel, learning and development, favorite animal, drawing, dancing, or maybe you like to clean up, think logically or walk alone” .
Creativity is hidden in everyone, and it is important to learn to see and develop them. When we — out of ignorance or insecurity — do not use them, we feel empty inside ourselves and complain about the lack of motivation. And when we realize our talents, then, on the contrary, meaning returns to life, and our self-esteem increases. Here is a simple exercise that will allow you to bring out your abilities.
An exercise
Set aside a free day or evening. Put on pleasant music, try not to distract you. Take a notebook or album, a pen, pencils. Prepare something that will help you think about your past: a notebook, a photo album, letters, postcards, souvenirs … Someone will also need old magazines, scissors and glue.
Relax and go exploring that episode of your life when you experienced strong positive emotions (pride, joy, pleasure). These are not necessarily moments of triumph — maybe you enjoyed walking in the woods or cooking dinner.
List all these moments and note the commonality between them: I entertained the company (played the flute, gave advice to a friend). Paste a photo, letter, or picture into an album that symbolizes each of these moments. Or make a sketch.
Determine which of your abilities in each case gave you pleasure.
Think, how in everyday life you could realize and develop these abilities.
Write down in your notebook that you make a promise to yourself to use your talents regularly.