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How to learn to be more calm about events that frighten with their inevitability, and stop constantly worrying? We suggest trying the techniques that psychologists advise.
It became much easier for me when I agreed to the offer of Psychologies magazine and put myself, with all my worries and fears, into the hands of professionals. It is difficult to describe what happened to me from the moment I found out that my son, the only child in the family, was still leaving to study abroad.
Having received a letter from the university that he was accepted, I stopped sleeping: I had bad dreams, I could not work. Thoughts were constantly circling in my head about how it would all work out. I didn’t find peace anywhere and in anything: before my eyes was the scene of a future farewell at the airport and then … silence.
Thoughts that have already become habitual are rushing through my head, but I try not to dwell on them.
Anxiety, sadness, fear – these feelings never left me for a second. And they literally corroded my sincere desire for the child to find himself and be realized in his new life as a student and a man.
I knew very well that something had to be done about it. But how to calm the whirlwind of feelings, not to spoil the child’s life, not to harm our relationship? And remain yourself – able to work, live, love …
1. Create a void in yourself
“Try to focus on what is happening to you “here and now”. This will help you find peace of mind, stop endlessly analyzing the past and building a vague future,” suggests Gestalt therapist Maria Andreeva.
I like this idea. So at home, I take up an exercise that will help stop the flow of thoughts: my brain can finally rest! I take a beautiful stone from the collection collected on the seashore, go to my room and close the door tightly.
First, I try to relax: I breathe calmly through my nose, straighten my back, lower my shoulders, arms, try not to strain my neck. To relax the muscles of the face, I make grimaces. Thoughts that have already become habitual are rushing through my head, but I try not to dwell on them.
Now I need to focus on three levels: bodily (relax my muscles – and it seems that this is already working), mental (it seems that I don’t have too heavy thoughts now) and emotional (anxiety does not go away, but it seems to be not pressing so hard). I will try to describe my condition: anxiety is blurring …
I feel a pleasant lightness inside: I am fully aware of my feelings, but at the same time I have no emotions and thoughts
The second stage: I take a pebble and examine it carefully. I try to fully concentrate on it, to see its color, shape, weight, size.
Not only visual impressions are important to me, but also tactile sensations: I feel all its irregularities, boundaries, contours. I notice how it warms affectionately in my hands, what a smooth surface it has, polished with water …
After a few minutes, I again ask myself the question: something has changed in my state, how can I describe it now? It seems to me that I feel a pleasant lightness within myself: I am fully aware of my feelings, but at the same time I have no emotions and thoughts. Well, you need to train further in order to acquire the habit of “being inside your feelings.”
2. Look fear in the eye
“Fears arise when we don’t want to look at something,” says existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “Fear is like a compass that tells me what I need to pay attention to in order to make my life better.
That is why you need to follow fears, look them in the eye, although this is not easy. But the fears do not stand up to scrutiny.
It seems to me that I am ready to be alone with my experiences and consider them. What am I afraid of? What is my biggest fear? What happens if what I’m afraid of happens? Is there anything else I can do then? If yes, then what?
I descend the stairs into a deep cave, at the bottom of which lies my greatest fear.
Oh, this research paper turns out to be even more difficult than I imagined! I have to go headlong into the pool of my torment, because walking around fear at a safe distance (as we usually do, because we are very scared to look in its direction) is no longer possible.
It seems to me that I am going down the stairs into a deep cave, at the bottom of which lies my main fear and which I definitely need to get to … But at the same time, I understand that I don’t take my breath away, as before, and fear loses its density and saturation…
Instead, I feel very, very sad … Because there will not be someone I love so much, someone who is so important and valuable to me. And yet I feel warmer, the numbness gradually disappears.
3. Identify your true desires
“Even when emotions are overwhelming, you can step back from the situation,” says psychotherapist, neurolinguistic programming specialist Alain Lozier. – This will allow you to find the answer to the question: “What do you really want?”
His words make me smile sadly. Of course, like all mothers, I want only the best for my son! And yet I obediently follow the instructions.
I arrange three chairs in the living room: one for the mother, another for the son, the third for an outside observer. I sit on my mother’s chair, that is, on my own, and I speak loudly about what I feel: “I am worried and saddened by thoughts of imminent separation. I am afraid that my son is not yet old enough to live on his own.
I would like to see him more often, feel him, breathe the same air with him … A distance of thousands of kilometers is too much for me … But I also want my son to find himself, his place in life, to be an interesting, educated person … “
I walk around the room again, and an imaginary wave washes away all thoughts and sensations from me.
Having spoken, I begin to walk around the room, imagining that I am overcoming a tight sea wave that washes away everything I just felt: it helps me calm down.
After that, I sit on my son’s chair and “put on” everything that I know about him, his age, habits … And I begin to say what he would probably say: “I understand that my loved ones will miss me, that they will be bored, worry, worry …
But I want to know myself, learn new things, start living differently, in my own way. I want to try. I feel that I can already live independently of my parents. Well, if there are problems, I can always come back!”
After the words of my son, I again walk around the room, and an imaginary wave washes away all thoughts and sensations from me. And now a completely different person is sitting on a chair intended for an outside observer: I feel like a calm, wise woman.
After this exercise, I feel both tired and relaxed.
She says: “I see in front of me a young man who loves his loved ones, is attached to his family, but at the same time he needs independence. His mother is well aware that her son needs a new experience. Yes, she would not let him go if she thought that he was not ready for an independent life! And yet she is very saddened by the thought of separation.
Returning to my mother’s chair, I retell what I just heard: “The future of a son depends on his education, life experience. Don’t I want it to happen? So I just need to trust him more. Even if there are thousands of kilometers between us, I will not stop being his mother.”
This phrase seems to me so right and at the same time so bitter that my voice breaks when I pronounce it. After this exercise, I feel both tired and reassured – I need to trust my son more.
4. Tune in a positive way
“It is important to learn to see more good than bad,” emphasizes psychotherapist Ekaterina Kadieva. – If we stop wasting energy on overcoming negativity, we will save it in order to act.
And we will be able to overcome the main obstacle on the way to inner well-being – a sense of fear in all its forms: in front of other people or ourselves, in front of an unclear future or possible failure.
I understand that the more positive my attitude is, the easier it will be for our son to survive the departure and the beginning of a new life.
I take a decisive step and resort to visualization – I try to visualize the most favorable result, which the upcoming changes will surely lead to. I understand that the more positive my attitude is, the easier our son will survive the departure and the beginning of a new life. And for this I am ready for a lot …
I sink into my favorite chair, stretch my legs, remember the relaxation techniques I have already used, trying to feel the emptiness in myself. I close my eyes and imagine my son and his new life…
A pleasant picture appears before his eyes: here he is going to study with his new friends. Here he is in a hurry to a musical rehearsal – he loves music. I see that he is happy, smiling, joking …
“The light and warmth that come from me will protect him everywhere and always”
And I also start to smile, this picture makes me so happy and calms. It seems to me that a beam of light is coming from me to him – a wide golden ribbon that binds us, no matter where we are.
Tears sting in my eyes, but I say: “The light and warmth that come from me will protect him everywhere and always.” I repeat this phrase several times, like a mantra, which – I know this – will still come in handy …