4 commandments for a happy sex life

So far, the question of why erotic experiences become worse over time, even in loving couples, remains a sad mystery for many. Professor Ulrich Klement, based on 30 years of experience working with couples, explains what feelings and thoughts are behind it and how to turn weakness into strength.

If you sometimes show more erotic interest than you feel, do what you really don’t want, find it difficult to explain to your partner what your desires are, then Ulrich Klement’s book Good Sex Despite Love is for you. In it, the professor formulated four commandments of long-term love relationships.

HOW TO EXTEND PASSION: THE FORMULA FOR SUCCESS

It is perfectly natural to crave a partner or partner at the very beginning of a relationship, writes Ulrich Klement. But sooner or later we discover such a phenomenon for ourselves: over the years we get to know each other better and love each other more strongly, but sexually we move further and further away from each other. Practice shows that sex that satisfies us requires purposeful activity and attention. Moreover, one of the partners must decide to take the first step and report their sexual dissatisfaction to another.

1. Erotica requires determination

As a rule, the partners themselves decide how actively they are ready to regulate the manifestation of eroticism. Erotic growth is experienced by those who dare to open their desires to a partner. Begins to notice in the partner’s behavior not only desirable, but also alarming. Agrees to take an erotic risk (“How do you feel about…”, “Let’s try…”).

In sex, you can afford a lot. But everything permitted should be of value to both, which means that both should decide both together and each for themselves which development option suits them, how they prefer to use sexual freedom.

An invitation to share a love adventure means a willingness to take into account the habits and desires of the invitee. If you want to increase the chances of a positive result, consider the needs of the other. To do this, it is necessary to identify differences — hence the second commandment.

2. Each of the partners has their own erotic profile. The difference provides more heat

An erotic profile incorporates experience (What have I experienced?), fantasies (What erotic images stir my imagination?) and desires (What would I like to experience?), erotic possibilities and skill (What seduction techniques do I have?), As well as and sexual everyday life (How do I manifest myself in a love relationship?).

What do men really think about sex?

It is important for partners to consider each other’s differences in sex profiles and allow themselves to be different. Usually we are irritated by the contradictions in everyday life. They often become the cause of conflicts and quarrels. Therefore, in sexual terms, we are trying to equalize rights and desires. But it is the differences in sex that allow us to create a space in which we can develop erotically. How we will feel when changing the rules of the game is determined, among other things, by the answers to the questions:

• Can I allow myself to change, to become different in relation to my partner?
• How is your partner likely to react?
• Can an unexpected reaction of a partner offend or offend me?
• Am I allowing my partner to be different?
• Do I admit that changes in my partner may be unpleasant for me?
• Do I really want to understand what my partner wants?
• Do I want to know a partner from a side unknown to me? Or, perhaps, I am afraid to regret later that all this has not remained a secret?

By allowing differences, we enrich the sexual relationship. When we play, we allow ourselves to try something new and return to the starting position if the new experience does not suit us. The game approach weakens control over what is happening. We share responsibility with a partner without burdening ourselves with excessive obligations. We challenge our partner and wait with curiosity for his reaction. This is the essence of the third commandment.

3. Good sex involves a willingness to play and a desire for novelty.

In sex there is always a place for discoveries. Prose and boredom come into relationships uninvited. Don’t wait for desire to visit you. If the skill of lust is not trained for a long time, you can wait a long time. Try to portray passion, and then it will return. Quite often, such proposals are annoying. We hate to stage or invent when it comes to love feelings, especially in relation to sex. We dislike unnaturalness, planning an erotic game.

The partner is also confused and does not understand how to respond to an unexpected offer: to respond with irritation or take a chance and try something new? Depending on his reaction, we will be forced to either continue the game we started, or come up with another one. The development of the erotic component of relationships requires effort and tension. No one can break out of their comfort zone without a fight. And the result of the exit is unpredictable — hence the fourth commandment.

4. The development of erotic relationships is associated with risk, but sometimes it is necessary.

We are always at risk of losing more than we gain. What if the partner does not support our desire? The search for new ways of obtaining sexual satisfaction violates the established peace, requires overcoming shyness and insecurity. Now we need to stop hiding the problems in sex, which were previously convenient to hide. These searches are associated with the need to look attractive in the eyes of a partner. How much effort and time it takes to create erotic tension can only be determined empirically. But without these efforts there is no chance to change the situation.

So, the four components of a long-term love relationship are:

1. Determination. We must decide what we want and move towards the intended goal.
2. A taste for difference. We do not strive to coincide with our partner in everything and are ready to find differences.
3. Curiosity. We willingly play along with each other and are sure that we don’t know much about the partner yet.
4. The ability to take risks. We are willing to take the risk of being rejected or even defeated.

And most importantly, to create and maintain erotic tension, be prepared to give up:

• the indifference with which we allowed ourselves to drift;
• complete openness and unambiguity;
• partner predictability;
• shifting responsibility to others;
• suppression of desires.