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This magic-like exercise is hard to take seriously. But the questionnaire, developed many years ago by American psychologist Arthur Aron, can really (re-)ignite hearts in less than an hour! Try it and see for yourself.
Once The New York Times published the testimony of Mandy Len Catron. She told how she fell in love in a few hours with her faculty colleague, whom she chose as a guinea pig, answering questions from the American psychologist Arthur Aron with him. If Mandy Len Catron and her partner were already in love with each other, neither of them realized it until they got to question 36 and were silent for four long minutes. Like many discoveries, “a questionnaire that can make you fall in love” is the fruit of a happy accident.
In 1997, Arthur Aron, a professor at Stony Brook University (USA), researched close relationships. He came up with an exercise that makes two strangers get closer. The result exceeded all expectations. One of the “experimental” couples of students got married six months later. She was the first in a long line of lovers.
See with new eyes
Arthur Aron realized that he had partially revealed the secret of love: vulnerability and intimate confessions create an environment in which the flame of feelings easily flares up. But with one caveat: the questionnaire causes love only among those who have already chosen each other, consciously or not. This is not surprising, the unconscious of the two recognizes and chooses each other; it remains to give a chance to desire to turn into a feeling.
During the experiments, it became clear that the questionnaire can “reduce” not only lovers, but also friends. Since the article was published in The New York Times, the evidence has been mounting. Stories of love, friendship, reconciliation…there are so many that Mandy Len Catron is preparing a book on the subject, The Love Story Project. Intrigued, we asked psychoanalyst Sophie Cadalen, author of Love Without Instructions, a relationship expert, to share her thoughts with us.
“I was puzzled,” she admits, “because there were few questions I could answer quickly. It was difficult to give short answers. The strength of this exercise is probably that it throws us off balance. It makes us hesitate, doubt, choose … But what defines us as a person is more like just questions, not answers. The questionnaire allows us to catch the moment when we are especially close to ourselves in the present.
Discover your vulnerability
According to the psychoanalyst, close relationships arise here rather than as a result of an exchange of intimate confessions, but due to the fact that two people expose their weakness. “That’s why,” she continues, “this questionnaire is effective for already established couples. Over time, we come to believe that we know each other perfectly, and this kills the feeling of love.
Questions are interesting because they make us notice again the strange and unfamiliar sides of the other, when we are surprised by his answers, his pauses, his emotions. They put us in a situation of uncertainty, and it is this withdrawal that makes us desirable and awakens desire in ourselves. Sophie Cadalen, like Mandy Len Catron, explains that this exercise only awakens a dormant or unconscious love feeling, but does not create it. Fortunately for us, love has not yet been learned to be produced in laboratories.
How to conduct a survey
Set aside an hour in a quiet place. Answer the questions in turn. Speak with an open mind, do not take notes, do not comment on your partner’s answers. Be as sincere as possible. From the first to the third part of the questionnaire, the degree of intimacy increases; you can pause between parts. At the end of four minutes, look into each other’s eyes.
Series No. 1
1. If you could invite someone to dinner (a loved one, a deceased relative, a celebrity), who would you choose?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what?
3. Do you happen to rehearse your line before making a call? Why?
4. What would be your “perfect day”?
5. When was the last time you sang alone? And for someone else?
6. If you could live to be 90 years old and have either the mind or body of a 60 year old for the last 30 years, which would you choose?
7. Do you have a secret premonition about how you will die?
8. Name three traits that you think both you and your partner have.
9. What are you most grateful for?
10. If you could, what would you change about the way you were raised?
11. In 4 minutes, tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow with some skill or ability, what would it be?
Series No. 2
13. If a magic crystal could reveal the truth to you, what would you like to know?
14. Is there something that you have been dreaming of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it yet?
15. What is the greatest achievement in your life?
16. What is most valuable to you in friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your worst memory?
19. If you knew you were going to die in a year, what would you change about the way you live? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What role do love and tenderness play in your life?
22. Take turns calling your partner his positive traits (exchange five characteristics).
23. Are relationships warm and close in your family?
24. How do you feel about your interactions with your mother?
Series No. 3
25. Make three statements each that are true for both of you. For example, “We both feel right now…”
26. Complete the sentence: “I wish there was someone to share with…”
27. If you were going to become a close friend to your partner, what would you tell him: what do you think he should know about you?
28. Tell your partner what you like about him; speak directly, say things that you could not say to a casual acquaintance.
29. Share an embarrassing situation or embarrassing moment in your life with your partner.
30. When was the last time you cried in front of someone? And in loneliness?
31. Tell your partner what you already appreciate in him (her).
32. In your opinion, what topic is too serious to joke about?
33. If you were to die today before the end of the day without talking to anyone, what would you most regret about not saying? Why haven’t you said this yet?
34. Your house with all the property caught fire. After saving your loved ones as well as pets, you have time to run into the house and save something else from the flames. What would you take? Why?
35. The death of which member of your family would upset you the most? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner how they would deal with it. Then ask him what he thinks about your feelings about the issue.
Yaxshi