Psychologists have discovered three strategies that we use to keep a partner. And these methods are very unusual!
From an evolutionary point of view, remaining faithful to a partner is a very good choice: women do not have to worry about who will help them raise children, and men do not have to worry about raising offspring that are not their own.
But it often happens that one of the partners, despite the promises, violates the marriage vows, and this can cause the second spouse not only mental suffering, but also significant material damage. And therefore, both participants in the union are trying to keep the other half in one way or another, each – to the best of their ideas about the beautiful. Sometimes these methods are very extravagant.
For good or for worse?
There are two kinds of tactics we use when we are afraid that our partner will cheat or leave us. The first group can be called “provision of benefits”. They carry a low level of risk for the one who practices it, because when using them, the emphasis is on the pluses of the relationship.
This tactic manifests itself in all kinds of evidence of affection that one of the partners provides to the other. It’s not just about flowers and gifts, but also about compliments and support – to help a partner with money or just take care of him when he is sick. The logic behind this strategy is quite simple: the one you are in a relationship with will think less about cheating or breaking up if they don’t want to lose something really nice.
The researchers called the second group of tactics “whip tactics”. This includes various types of so-called risky behavior. What does it look like in practice? The loss of a relationship scares you a lot, and therefore you try to keep your partner from making rash decisions at all costs. Deception, threats and even blackmail – everything goes into business if your family happiness is at stake!
For example, a man is afraid that his companion can find someone better for herself – and humiliates and ridicules her in front of mutual friends. This will make her look less desirable to those who, in theory, could take her away.
Do we use these approaches only separately, or can we combine them masterfully?
Or, for example, a woman is worried that her partner will leave her, and threatens him with suicide. And a man remains in a relationship, even if they have not satisfied him for a long time, because he does not want to become the cause of the tragedy.
So, what tactics do we prefer? Do we use these approaches only separately, or can we combine them masterfully?
This is what evolutionary psychologists at the University of Oakland, who have studied mate retention strategies, have been trying to figure out. They identified three behavior strategies based on the above tactics, interviewing 697 volunteers of both sexes. The average age of the respondents is 29 years. All of them were in a relationship for at least three months, and on average – about 6,5 years.
The behavioral strategies that the volunteers used to get their partner to stay close could be grouped into three groups. Psychologists have given them names: “avoidance”, “benevolent retention” and “exhaustive approach”.
Evasion
Part of the volunteers, as it turned out, very rarely provided the partner with any benefits. They almost never “spent”—either emotionally or financially—on a loved one. Why? One of the reasons, probably, is that these people were sure that their lovers were unlikely to “go to the side” at all.
Such conviction is more characteristic of those whose relationships are legalized. Psychological studies show that actions aimed at keeping a partner, after the Mendelssohn march has finished, gradually fade away. Perhaps the reason for this is the feeling that now we can trust each other 100%.
Emotionally distant people also have this style of behavior, because they simply need less intimacy with a partner.
Benevolent hold
Members of the second group regularly provided various “bonuses” to their partners: they made surprises for them, praised them, arranged romantic dates, and so on.
The “benevolent retention” strategy is characteristic of people with high self-esteem. It is followed by those who value the relationship, but are not afraid that the partner will cheat on them, and are generally satisfied with their union.
exhaustive approach
The participants who chose the third strategy alternated between providing benefits to partners and using the “whip” on them. These people behaved risky: scandalized, threatened, offended – only at those moments when it seemed to them that their partner was cheating on them, or when the loss of a spouse would be too serious a blow for them.
Those who adhere to such a strategy (albeit unconsciously) are less close with their partners, psychologists are sure. And it is precisely this tactic that is more often chosen by those who have children.
Look at yourself
We are afraid to be alone, and sometimes this fear pushes us to the strangest steps. And the choice of tactics that should help us retain a partner depends on many factors.
Many act on the basis of what resources they currently have at their disposal. For example, if we don’t have much time or money right now, we are more likely to pull away or try to influence our other half with different types of “whips”.
And yet, according to scientists from Auckland, gender plays an important role. Men are more likely to use “benevolent holding” methods, while women are more likely to use “avoidance.”
We don’t know which methods work best than others, but one thing is for sure: mindfulness in relationships and a careful look not only at the partner, but also at yourself, never hurts.