3 ways to part with the complexes

When we are «looping», acting the same way all the time, the best way to move forward is to do exactly what we especially don’t want to do, what is the least natural for us! After all, the usual behavior is adapted to the problems and unwittingly «indulges» them. Psychotherapist and writer Isabel Fiyoza explains this paradox with three life stories.

Speak

The complex creates a feeling of shame. It may be about appearance, social background, or lack of wit, but in any case, we are sure that we will be thought poorly of, condemned or rejected, so we try to hide our secret. Lush forms hidden under a spacious pullover, smiles that replace conversation at receptions … Our secrecy allows us to come up with a whole scenario for the development of events, never testing it in practice. We conjure imaginary reactions from others to fuel and justify our shame and embarrassment.

But no matter how unpleasant it is to live with the complex, it nevertheless has its own function: to protect us from the awareness of another suffering that we carry in ourselves, the suffering of an offended child. We behave in the same way as one of the participants in the psychological training described by the founder of transactional analysis, Eric Berne, in the book Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy: in order not to admit that he is afraid to go out and dance, he refers to the fact that he is hindered by his (non-existent) prosthesis.

Talking is the first step to stop feeding your complex. But often talking about it only with close people is not enough. And while you are unlikely to face the rejection or judgment you fear so much, there are good reasons to expect, in response to your sincere story, a denial of the problem («What are you, you have a pretty nose»), its belittling («It’s okay»), generalization (“Everyone has flaws”) or advice (“You need to …”).

By acknowledging and respecting the reality of your current suffering, the therapist will help you to hear the hurt child who is complaining inside and release the blocked emotions that underlie the complex. It will be helpful if you are listened to without judgment, or if you participate in group therapy. As a result, you will be freed from old emotions, you will be able to talk about them. And the reactions of those around you will surprise you, and this will eventually make even the strongest temptation to remain forever chained to your complexes recede.

Act

When we don’t like something in ourselves, we strive to compensate for this (real or fictional) shortcoming. Do you feel stupid, unable to carry on a conversation? This will develop in you inexhaustible treasures of friendliness and consideration for others. Do you think you are ugly? Then, perhaps, you will begin to exercise wit or shine with intellect. We have a tendency to leave those footholds where we think we have no chance. This reaction is understandable, but it has many negative sides.

Of course, this way we suffer less because of our complex. But, unfortunately, it is also a great way to not part with it! Let’s stop supporting complexes. The point is that our beliefs drive behavior: «Because I’m so insignificant, I’ll stay away.» The consequence of this behavior: «Others do not notice me.» Conclusion: «Obviously, no one is interested in me, so I’m a nonentity!»

Such a negative script self-feeding system was described by American psychologists Richard Erskine and Marilyn Saltzman. Watch how you maintain your negative opinion of yourself, notice that you perceive the reactions of other people as confirmation of your opinion. And interpret any doubts in your favor.

Try to behave «on the contrary.» Do you feel unable to speak in public? Prepare and speak at the next meeting. You don’t have a high school diploma? Take IQ tests for people with a high IQ. Are you out of tune when you sing? Sign up for the choir. The worst thing that can happen to you is that you will be taught how to sing correctly.

Before you act, take the time to see in detail the image of yourself who has achieved success. Play the “movie” about your new looseness several times in your head. This will make it easier for you to get down to business.

Choose your “treatment” depending on what your weak point is and go explore new ways of personal development: dancing to love your body, clowning or amateur theater to overcome your clamps, sculpture or painting to learn self-expression … So you can «restore» yourself, restore your own true image.

Be in love

Notorious runs from love. If he likes someone, he will rather turn his back on this person, just so as not to face the rejection that he is sure of. If he lives with a partner, then in order to maintain a negative image of himself, he is ready to devalue a loved one with such reasoning: “Since he is interested in me, it means that he is really a complete nonentity.”

Meanwhile, love is the best medicine. It really can heal — provided that we agree to it. We all need the eyes of other people. Alas, we imagine him full of judgments and evaluations, because we project onto him the properties of the look with which our parents looked at us in childhood.

However, the parents looked through the lens of responsibility for us, their anxieties and their own history. Today’s acquaintances see us for who we are, depending on the relationship we establish with them. By agreeing to see ourselves through the eyes of those who love us, we can restore a true image of ourselves.

But the hardest thing is to allow yourself to love. And when we fall in love, our body comes to the rescue. Love causes a hormonal storm in our body; when we experience intense sensations, we stop fixating on our obsession. When we focus on what’s going on inside, we care less about the impression we make.

Complexes are maintained in a dialogue with ourselves when we condemn ourselves. Passion sweeps this dialogue in its path. When we are in love, we feel protected and powerful. So take the risk of believing in your lucky star. Discover your desire and accept the desire of the other for you. Focus only on yourself, think only about how you feel, so as not to be tempted to go back to your own complexes.

A person with complexes has one feature: he tries to penetrate the consciousness of a partner and guess what he is experiencing. He asks questions like: “Does he (she) like me?” And an open and calm person does not ask such questions: he feels confident and focused on what he feels about his relationship with a partner: “Do I feel good with him (her)?”