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Mom is important in the life of each of us. However, she can not only support, become a support and prepare for adulthood, but also turn into a monster who will impose an invisible ban on her son’s sex life. We learned from a psychotherapist, a sexologist, which messages of mothers can become traumatic and how to change the attitude towards them.
“I did everything for you”, “I always gave you the best”, “there is nothing to think about girls, learn first” — at first glance, these phrases seem harmless. But often they expose three types of mothers: overprotective, «killing» and «eternal sacrifice».
Such parents can seriously injure their sons by consciously or unconsciously using destructive patterns of behavior. Psychotherapist, sexologist Elena Malakhova told what motivates mothers and how we can “disenchant” their messages.
1. «Killing» mother
How to recognize?
At first glance, such a woman does not look like a monster at all. But, without realizing it herself, she has been building a powerful wall since childhood, separating her son from the natural attraction to the opposite sex. The sexuality of the sons of such mothers is in one case in an undeveloped, rudimentary state, it comes to asexuality, various delays in psychosexual development, and in the other, it can go along the path of distortions and deviations.
A mother of this type uses in education conscious, partially conscious or unconscious behaviors that destroy the psyche and sexuality of the child, being extremely toxic to him. This is primarily verbal, physical aggression, all sorts of violence, blackmail, threats, coercion … Paradoxically, when relatives and friends «catch» my mother for unseemly acts, it turns out: she is sure that she is raising a «real man.» And with this style of education, tenderness is useless.
What to do?
Unfortunately, aggression and even violence in childhood can lead to severe disorders of the psyche and sexuality at a later age. And these violations are not always amenable to self-correction. It’s good if, growing up, the son of a “killing” mother can at least notice his problem and turn to a specialist for help in time.
2. The sacrificial mother
How to recognize?
Such a mother lives the victim scenario with the idea of “living for others.” She may ignore her own needs in anticipation of too expensive payment from the child — the opportunity to manage his life. The usual words in the mouth of such a mother “I did everything for you, I endured, suffered, if only you were well” are in fact a great lie, invented to justify the unconscious unwillingness to seriously deal with your life. In addition, the sacrifice can only be appreciated by the one who brings it. It is naive to expect this from another, especially from a child.
Among sexual disorders in a future man who grew up in such a family, there is a syndrome of anxious expectation of sexual failure and masochism. The only thing a victim parent can teach their child is to be a victim. Therefore, women who use them will systematically fall into partners with such men.
What to do?
A man needs to learn to track his mother’s patterns in his behavior and form a different life scenario. First, at the level of imagination, then drawing its components more and more clearly, and finally, in practice (for example, on a date, do not try to please the chosen one in everything, but treat her as an equal partner).
3. Overprotective mother
How to recognize?
Its goal is to keep the child as long as possible in an infantile position with the help of overprotection and excessive care for fear of his growing up. With her statements and actions, such a mother will in every possible way show the child that he is still small: “study first, and then you will think about girls” and so on.
The real tragedy for such a mother is the appearance of a partner with her son. The natural phenomena of separation, which are not easy for any mother, are simply unbearable for a hyper-caring mother. She does not seek to realize them, process them, live, she only tries to keep the child next to her. In the sexuality of sons who could not break out of a co-dependent relationship with their mother, both sexual disorders (erection disorders, ejaculation) and a tendency to deviant sexuality (for example, the Madonna and Harlot complex) can be observed.
What to do?
Growing up, the son needs to get out of co-dependent relationships with his mother, separate from her and live his own life. This is a long process of forced struggle. The son of such a mother learns to reflect her manipulations, to build his own boundaries, gradually becoming a separate, adult person, able to take responsibility for his life. Some can walk this path on their own, while others only with a specialist.