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You have no idea how to remind your boss of your rights? Do you find it hard to say “no” and avoid explaining to your colleagues what you don’t like? We suggest solutions that will help build a more harmonious interaction in the work team.
Violated boundaries in relationships with colleagues, superiors and subordinates give rise to very painful problems and take the most time out of our lives. After all, if all 40 working hours a week are spent in a tense atmosphere and filled with conflicts, then what kind of life satisfaction can we talk about?
Understanding colleagues and establishing communication with them is the first, most important step towards comfort in the office (even if you work remotely). In a team, each of us often unwittingly takes one of three familiar psychological roles: victim, persecutor, or rescuer. Psychotherapist Jenny Miller explains how to set boundaries, taking into account the peculiarities of behavior – yourself and those around you.
1. Victim
This is a person who always needs help. He does not cope with the tasks and is looking for a rescuer, on whom it is convenient to shift all responsibility for what is happening. The employee-victim is in constant anxiety for his health. He is either on sick leave or constantly discusses his symptoms with colleagues.
His childish, in fact, behavior leads to the violation of other people’s boundaries. He seeks sympathy, attention, help with work or in a relationship with his boss. Colleagues’ reactions range from “Oh, you poor thing” (rescuer) to “You’re talking about your sores again” (stalker).
2. Rescuer
This is a person who voluntarily or involuntarily takes responsibility for the victim. He feels compelled to help. The rescuer defends his unfortunate colleague in front of others, takes on part of his work and periodically lingers in the office, listening to his complaints for hours. Often this happens to the detriment of the personal life and work responsibilities of the rescuer.
3. Chaser
This person will not coddle the victim and console her, but, most likely, will throw: “Come on, get together already!” By putting pressure on the victim and rushing her, the stalker spends too much time on this relationship – much more than he thinks and than it should be. Even if he does not show irritation, it can accumulate latently and pour out already at home, on a partner or children.
Do you recognize yourself in one of these roles?
1. If you are a lifeguard…
Offer help without sacrificing your own resources or well-being. It is probably worth talking about this with a colleague, expressing your feelings, explaining your position on the restrictions. Say that you cannot devote so much time to him, you have a lot of your own work, but you understand how difficult it is for him, and are ready to help – to a certain extent.
It is important to state your own needs, because this is not a one-sided relationship. Possible wording: “I know that it is not easy for you, but I am afraid that I will not be able to cope with my duties. I need to spend more time on my work.”
2. If you are a stalker…
Your colleague constantly annoys you. Thinking about it, you often use the word “should”: you must deliver everything on time, you must work better. Do you think that a colleague is not appropriate for the position or task being performed? Do you reproach him and grumble in the presence of others (including at home, after a working day)? If yes, try to understand what drives you and assess the situation. No matter how unpleasant it may be for you.
Do you feel threatened or insecure in any way (not necessarily related to this colleague)?
Have you noticed how other co-workers you like react to your behavior? Do you consider her normal? For example, do they avoid you or look away when you interact with the victim?
Do they change the subject when you bring up the victim, or do they chime in?
Do you give preference to someone, create a circle of the elite or enter it in order to exclude someone specific from there?
3. If you are a victim…
Think and be honest with yourself:
Have you ever experienced bad attitude towards yourself, rudeness or lack of attention?
Can you say that a negative attitude is better for you than none?
Do you think you have no choice? And that in the office this is the norm and therefore acceptable to you?
Do your loved ones express concern about this?
How to deal with a stalker? One inner voice will say, “I want to run away.” Another will say: “You need to be closer to the pursuer in order to predict his actions, and if you are more polite with him, then who knows, maybe he will fall behind.” The third will suggest, “You deserve it. You, as always, do not work well enough.
See how others react to the pursuer: are they upset, like you, or are they able to fight back? Consider how appropriate your response is:
Do you have friends outside of work? Do you spend too much time with colleagues, depriving yourself of the support and attention of other people?
Familiarize yourself with the personnel policy, it may be more useful than you think. If the stalker tries to discuss the issue directly with you, then politely refuse: “I think the current situation will have to be resolved with the involvement of a third party.”
Looking from the outside
If one of your colleagues turned out to be a persecutor or a victim, then what should you do? What to do or not to do?
Think of a fellow stalker who makes himself look better and whose jokes will make you laugh too (even if you sometimes get cold at the thought of being the next victim). Think about it, would you like to be the object of his ridicule? It seems safer to be close to him than to step back and establish a healthy boundary.
And yet refuse the role of a grateful spectator. So you will deprive the pursuer of the desired attention, everyone will calmly get down to work, and the atmosphere in the office will improve.
A few more tips
Without clear boundaries, a healthy subordinate-boss relationship can degrade to the level of Child-Parent. Meetings, performance appraisals, team work discussions – in a situation of constant control, employees with weak boundaries often behave like a Child and a Parent. What is the best tactic to follow?
Good Employee Tactics
Find out exactly what is required of you. For starters, read the job descriptions.
Before starting work, soberly assess your abilities. You know your strengths, but what challenges can you face and what should you focus on? Repeat the assessment in six months, until the next performance assessment (certification).
Remember that there is no shame in asking questions.
Don’t try to make friends on the first day or even the first week. It’s just not worth rushing into this.
Be friendly and say hello to everyone, but do not devote everyone to the details of your personal life. You don’t have to talk about everything right away.
Don’t ask for a pay raise. If you are going to work for a company for a long time, be patient.
Look at the situation soberly. If you worked overtime, patiently waited for a raise, and asked for it at the right time, you were refused, then you should admit that nothing shines for you here. It’s probably time to look for another place without offense.
Respect the young boss. Leaders do not become due to venerable age.
A boost isn’t always good. Sometimes specialists of a narrow profile become managers, and this work is not to their liking. Happy is he who does what he can.
Good Boss Tactics
Respect subordinates older than you: it is possible that someday you will become one of them.
Don’t forget the people who helped you get to where you are today, they’re still working, even though they won’t be getting promoted anytime soon.
Set a workday limit. Follow the schedule specified in the contract. If you want to work overtime, do not demand the same from subordinates: they also have a lower salary, and they may not be as passionate about their work. Strive to create a healthy work environment for everyone.
Justify to yourself the need for overtime work.
Don’t be afraid to dislike someone. A good boss is fair and unemotional in his criticisms. Your job is not to be friends with everyone.
Find a mentor, a business coach, with whom you will discuss successes and difficulties, from whom you can receive recommendations and support. Being a boss does not mean doing everything without help.
Accept failure. It’s okay to admit that your strategy didn’t work and you’ll have to try something else.
Avoid familiarity. Do not start an affair with subordinates, do not be frank at collective feasts, do not run around the shops for the company and, moreover, do not gossip. The border must be inviolable. Share friendship and work. Otherwise, subordinates do not understand how to behave. By avoiding unnecessary intimacy, you protect yourself from possible manipulation of your guilt.