When a child expresses his emotions it is often in an intense way. If the adult who is in front of him cannot or does not want to understand them, the child will keep them, will no longer express them and will transform them into anger or deep sadness. Virginie Bouchon, psychologist, helps us to decipher the expression of her child’s emotions in order to better manage them.

When a child screams, gets angry or laughs, he expresses his emotions, positive (joy, gratitude) or negative (fear, disgust, sadness). If the person in front of him shows that he understands and puts words to these emotions, the intensity of the emotion will decrease. If, on the contrary, the adult cannot or does not want to understand these emotions, which he assimilates to whims, the child will no longer express them and become sad, or on the contrary will express them more and more aggressively.

Tip # 1: Express Understanding

Take the example of a child who wants us to buy a book in a supermarket and gets angry because he is told no.

The bad reaction: we put the book down and we tell it it’s just a whim and there’s no way we’ll buy it. The intensity of the child’s desire is always very strong. He may calm down not because he understands the nature of his emotion but simply because he will be afraid of the parental reaction or because he knows that he will not be heard. We annihilate his emotions, he will develop a certain aggressiveness to be able to express his emotions by force, whatever they are, and in any direction. Later, he will undoubtedly be little attentive to the emotions of others, little empathetic, or on the contrary much too overwhelmed by the emotions of others, and not knowing how to manage them.   

The right reaction: to show that we heard him, that we understood his desire. « I understand that you want this book, its cover is very pretty, I too would have liked to leaf through it “. We put ourselves in his place, we let him have his place. He can later put himself in the shoes of others, showempathy and manage its own emotions.

Tip 2: put the child as an actor

Explain to him why we will not buy this book which makes him want so much: “Today it will not be possible, I have no money / you already have a lot that you have never read etc. “. And immediately suggest that he find a solution to the problem himself: “What we could do is keep him while I go shopping and then put him back in the aisle for the next time, okay?” What do you think ? What do you think we could do? “. ” In this case we detach the emotion from the interpretations, we open the discussion, explains Virginie Bouchon. The word “whim” must be banished from our minds. A child up to 6-7 years old does not manipulate, does not have a whim, he expresses his emotions as best he can and tries to find out how to deal with them himself. She adds.

Tip # 3: Always prioritize the truth

To a child who asks if Santa Claus exists, we show that we have understood that if he asks this question it is because he is ready to hear the answer, whatever it is. By putting him back as an actor in the discussion and the relationship, we will say: ” And you, what do you think ? What do your friends say about it? “. Depending on what he says you’ll know if he needs to believe it a little longer or if he needs to confirm what his friends have told him.

If the answer is too difficult for you, for the death of a person (a grandmother, a brother…) for example, explain to him: “Cit’s too hard for me to explain this to you, maybe you could ask daddy to do it, he will know “. Likewise, if his reaction made you angry, you can also express it: “ I can’t handle your anger now, I’m going to my room, you can go to yours if you want. I have to calm down and we’ll meet again later to talk about it and see together what we can do ».

Virginie Bouchon