Contents
Your mother is the soul of the company and a charming person. But in the family he does not forgive the slightest mistake to his relatives, turning into a tyrant. What are the characteristics of narcissistic parents? And how do their grown children deal with trauma?
In the eyes of outsiders, narcissistic parents are very courtesy and will charm anyone in a couple of minutes. But at home, loved ones are constantly terrorized for not living up to their lofty expectations.
Narcissistic experts Wendy Bihari and Craig Malkin talk about the consequences of this parenting style and offer advice to grown children.
Who are narcissists?
Narcissistic personality disorder is recognized as a mental disorder. These people have an inflated sense of self-worth and base their identity on the praise and approval of others.
Their close relationship is superficial and focuses mostly on how they are treated. By themselves, partners and friends are not interesting to them. Narcissists believe that they are better than others, but they also experience a sense of shame when they are criticized or when they get into trouble.
The interests and desires of the narcissistic parent dominate the life of the entire family.
Less than one percent of the population can be considered “clinical” narcissists. Between 2 and 16 percent of people who see psychotherapists at the urging of partners or colleagues have symptoms of a narcissistic disorder.
Although symptoms can vary depending on many factors, Wendy Bihari and Craig Malkin believe that there are several common traits in the personalities of adult children raised by these types of adults.
What are the children of narcissists like?
1. You find it difficult to express yourself
The interests and desires of such a parent subjugate the life of the whole family. Because of this, children deliberately oppose themselves to others and try to defend their position at all costs.
But more often they act like their needs don’t matter. They allow others to disregard their desires and feelings because they are not aware of their needs and do not know how to express them.
They develop an aggressive style of behavior based on the fear that any weakness in them will be punished.
“They can’t say, ‘I insist’ or ‘I have a say’ because that’s how the narcissistic parent behaved,” explains psychotherapist Wendy Bihari. And in the subconscious of a grown child there is nothing more frightening than his figure …
What to do with it? Learn as much as you can about narcissism. This way you can identify and eliminate dysfunctional attitudes from childhood.
2. You copy the behavior of the parent in many ways.
Some children find that the only way to avoid ridicule and humiliation is to become a narcissistic parent themselves. Over time, they develop an aggressive style of behavior based on the fear that any weakness they have will be severely punished and that the best defense is an attack.
Narcissists have difficulty setting personal boundaries and see children as extensions of themselves.
Strong-willed, extroverted children learn the narcissistic play style on their own. Insults and unflattering words addressed to someone else becomes their survival tactic, ”explains Craig Malkin. At the same time, in the future, in communication with loved ones, they block feelings, so as not to appear weak and vulnerable.
What to do with it? Seek a professional to help you break aggressive patterns, especially if your partner and/or children are suffering from them.
3. You resent your brother or sister
Narcissists have difficulty setting personal boundaries and see children as extensions of themselves. In families with several children, one usually acts as a mirror for the best qualities of the parent. He gets more attention, support and admiration, but the demand from him is huge.
The other child becomes a scapegoat and “the shame of the family”. He doesn’t fit the “pet” either, so you can’t expect anything from him. Both projections reflect different sides of the narcissistic personality and pit children against each other, offering them different models of an unhappy childhood.
Narcissists deliberately play people off for their own purposes.
What to do with it? Share this information with a brother or sister. If you went to the “favorites”, you can still harbor a grudge against them, because the brother / sister was subjected to much less pressure. If you were a “rejected child”, perhaps you are still worried about the fact that all the best was unfairly given to a “beloved” son or daughter.
Narcissists deliberately play people off for their own purposes. Their children may find that there is more to them than blood ties. As hostages who endure hard times together, they can become unusually close as adults.