It is sad but true that many of us do not know how to listen to others at all, and those who do, in the vast majority of cases, learn this on purpose. As a rule, it takes a lot of work to develop this skill. How? To begin with, by noting the traits of a toxic listener in yourself and trying to get rid of them.
1. Failure to listen actively
Most of us like to talk rather than listen. The results of a number of studies show that the subjects, in communication with whom the interlocutors used active listening skills, felt understood to a greater extent than those who were simply advised something. A bad listener absorbs information passively. At the same time, he is just waiting to begin his story.
As a result, the one who speaks does not feel that they are interested. Is it that scary? Well, at least it’s just rude. And as a maximum, you can miss the alarm bells that the interlocutor is really ill. Therefore, a good listener necessarily reflects the remarks of the interlocutor.
A simple example. Having said: “It’s been really hard at work lately – the deadlines for all projects are running out,” from a toxic listener we can hear something like: “Cheer up! Here, I remember, I also had a case at work: my boss disliked me. And you know what I did? Made friends with his leader!”
A good listener is likely to respond, “What a pity! It looks like you’ve got a lot going on. And how do you feel about all these deadlines?”
By saying “it seems”, we emphasize that we are not trying to interpret the state of the speaker in our own way, but we are trying to look at the situation from his point of view. The focus on feelings helps the interlocutor understand that he is not judged for emotions that are beyond his control. Feeling that they are being heard, a person is likely to want to open up and tell more.
2. Unsolicited advice
Psychologists regard such advice as a manifestation of communicative narcissism. And even if the interlocutor wants to hear your advice, he has something that you do not have: the full picture. He knows all the participants in the situation, knows how they acted, and, perhaps, is aware of their feelings. And most likely, he has already made a decision. So he needs rather than advice, but confirmation that he made the right choice.
The toxic listener does not understand this and, as a rule, shares his own opinion. What’s bad about it? If you gave advice, and the interlocutor did not follow it, you can, at a minimum, feel offended and wounded. If he or she takes your advice, you will suddenly find yourself in charge of a situation that you do not fully understand.
If we want to be good listeners, we will try to reflect the other person’s feelings. This will help the latter to better understand himself – after all, he himself must make the final decision anyway, in any case.
It is difficult to resist the temptation to give advice: we are sure that we can help. But the best help is to give the interlocutor the opportunity to do what he thinks is right.
3. Value judgments
Keeping information about our views to ourselves and not letting our own thoughts and feelings distract us is hellishly difficult, but it is necessary for deep communication.
We never know what another person is going through, especially one that seems happy and successful to us. Maybe he or she has clinical depression. Or maybe the interlocutor is a victim of abuse. We never know the whole story. And that is why it is so important to learn to listen empathically and not to make any comments.
It seems that “toxic” is a rather harsh word: most people are more likely to just listen to others passively. But as long as we continue to communicate in this way, we cause invisible, but tangible harm to the interlocutor.
Learning to be a good listener isn’t easy—it involves making it a habit to put the other person first, actively listen to what he or she has to say, let them make their own decisions, and replace judgment with empathy. Yes, it’s hard, but trust me, it’s worth it.