“Love is not a state, but a formation,” wrote the Italian psychoanalyst Francesco Alberoni in the book Friendship and Love. Following him, many experts began to consider relationships in a couple as an evolution of feelings. What stages do all lovers go through and what dangers lie in wait for them?
How many stages does a relationship go through? Expert opinions differ. Some are limited to three, others are limited to six or even ten. You need to understand that every relationship develops according to its own scenario, because we enter into them with our own special experience or its absence.
The development of relationships is influenced by character, habits, upbringing, outlook on life. We disagree with the classic: not all happy couples are equally happy. It’s just not possible.
And, of course, the transition from one phase to another cannot be considered final: there are also returns to the previous stage, periods of stagnation, acceleration. However, based on research, there are 3 stages of relationships that every couple goes through.
Merger
Evidence
“You are the one I have been waiting for all my life”, “We are so similar”, “We are one”. Almost all relationships start with passion. This is the intense phase of attachment—”symbiosis,” according to psychologists Allyn Bader and Peter T. Pearson. Separation at this moment brings suffering to lovers. Every day, partners are looking for a meeting.
Pros
Marriage consultant Françoise Sand considers this period “one of the rare moments when you can exist without pain.” This stage helps to become better, to rise above everyday life, to discover new aspects of life. Passionate love inspires.
Traps
At this stage, we often idealize a partner, do not notice his shortcomings and make predictions for a happy future, “without taking off rose-colored glasses.” This is where the main danger lies. After, when the passion passes, it may begin to seem to us that the loved one has changed for the worse.
Tips
Enjoy this “honeymoon”: it is as pleasant as it is ephemeral. On average, it lasts from a month to three years. And then what? Return to reality.
Distance
Evidence
“You are not what I thought”, “You don’t understand me”, “I don’t know anything about the real you”. Joint life and domestic duties return relationships from heaven to earth. Partners gradually discover differences that reveal new facets of personality. Not all of them are pleasant.
Disappointment is inevitable because it is about saying goodbye to an idealized image. And not only with the image of a partner, but also with his own. Relationships help to reveal unexpected facets of their character: irritability, unwillingness to put up with other people’s whims, selfishness.
Pros
This stage is fundamental for a long relationship, it allows us to find ourselves, reconnect with our own interests and goals. During the fusion phase, everyone’s identity is denied. The stage of distance returns itself to us.
Traps
It is not easy to come to terms with the collapse of ideals. Many relationships end at this stage: “the love boat breaks into everyday life.” But if you overcome disagreements, learn to live with the newly discovered features of each other, this will take the relationship to a new stage.
Tips
It is important to distinguish between personal and professional life, stop doing everything together, start taking a break from each other, start your own hobbies, interests and goals.
Partners should explain their desires and needs, there is no need to hush up grievances and endure if something in the behavior of a partner is not to your liking. It is omissions, hints and mutual insults that destroy relationships.
Convergence
Evidence
“I want to build a future with you”, “Maybe it’s time to think about your apartment?”, “I am ready to make an effort to maintain our relationship.” The previous stage allowed everyone to define themselves and their role in the union. The new stage implies a sober look at life together and common plans – family, children, home. This is a time to reflect on what we really expect from a relationship.
Pros
Our relations are directed to the future. Common goals appear, when making decisions you have to take into account a partner and common plans for life.
Traps
Many begin to perceive a partner as a close friend, but not as a lover. So, there is a high risk of a relationship on the side.
Tips
To keep love, you need to step out of your comfort zone from time to time, surprise yourself and your partner, warm up feelings. Make spontaneous gifts and do things in the spirit of crazy youth. Have a date on the rooftop? Break off for the weekend in another city?
Now you especially need such surprises to remind yourself: you are not just another boring couple of people who have been together for a long time, you are in love.
3 crises in the relationship of each couple
The beginning of a life together
You start arguing and fighting over dirty dishes, paying bills, choosing wallpaper for your bedroom, and even habits like singing in the shower. Joint life gives rise to many reasons for conflict. It is important to communicate more, discuss what is happening, not to hush up discontent, but also not to cry out, but to argue your position and seek a compromise.
Birth of a child
With the advent of children, relationships change. Now you belong not only to yourself and your partner. Try not to dissolve in the child, do not forget to pay attention to each other.
Economic crisis
One of the partners got a promotion or, conversely, was left without a job, or the financial circumstances of the family have changed in some other way. Not all couples can go through this crisis. Stay honest, loyal, kind and loving in every situation. Remember that the level of salary does not make you or your partner better or worse.