Contents
Attachment style has a profound effect on our personality and the relationships we form. But what if in the first years of life the child was not lucky and a good and reliable relationship with the mother did not work out? Does this mean that it will not work to create responsive, caring and mutually sincere relationships in adult life? Expert opinion.
The first studies of attachment, started by John Bowlby in the mid-twentieth century, focused on the bond between mother and child. Nowadays, experts are more closely studying attachment in adult partnerships. In this regard, confusion and certain misconceptions often arise in the understanding of attachment.
Couples therapist and clinical psychologist Susan Johnson breaks them down in her book The Power of Attachment.
Myth 1. Attachment is an addiction
One of the criteria for growing up is the ability to make independent decisions and actions, the willingness to bear responsibility for them. But becoming an adult does not mean giving up the need for other people. Attachment theory states that each of us defines ourselves by interacting with others, not by opposing them.
Denying the need to connect with other people is not a sign of a strong personality, but a barrier to development and adaptation. Yes, addiction can develop as an extreme expression of an anxious type of attachment, when a person lives in constant fear of losing touch with a loved one. But in most cases, confidence in the reliability of relationships increases self-esteem, self-esteem and stress resistance.
In a secure connection, loved ones are a valuable resource for us, fueling a positive and holistic sense of self. A constant sense of security around others creates the basis for optimal development, as well as the ability to confidently cope with stress in life’s inevitable crises and transitions and maintain emotional stability.
When we have a strong base, we are able to take calculated risks and overcome difficulties, which allows us to perform at our best. We literally have more resources (attention and energy) that can be used for development, and not for protection.
Myth 2. A broken early attachment can no longer be fixed.
Another fairly common misconception. It lies in the fact that the past is considered as the only factor that determines the personality and future of a person. Many of those who are familiar with John Bowlby’s theory of attachment conclude that relationships at an early age create subconscious patterns that a person follows throughout life.
Over the years, it has become clear that these patterns are more fluid than early theorists of attachment science thought, and can change under the influence of new experiences. Research in individual therapy has also proven that it is possible to change the working patterns of attachment.
Childhood experience certainly affects development. But, if the models do not become static and closed, the trajectory of this development may change. Otherwise, the person avoids and ignores new experiences or uses negative patterns of interaction with loved ones as confirmation of the most negative elements of such patterns.
It is very important to understand exactly how the experience of past relationships affects the present. Attachment science suggests that early experiences shape a person’s spectrum of reactions to the actions or words of others, generate strategies for managing strong emotions, and models of self and others. They can evolve and change, or they can work like self-fulfilling prophecies.
Myth 3. Attachment interferes with your sex life.
Some researchers believe that attachment has nothing to do with romantic relationships in a couple. They argue that affection can be felt for friends, but it kills any erotica in the bud. In addition, novelty and risk are a prerequisite for good sex, and therefore secure attachment can interfere with a fulfilling sex life. This is not true.
There is compelling evidence that parent-child bonding and adult-to-adult romantic bonding are “variants of the same process.” Both relationships include the same range of behaviors: gazes, hugs, touches, caresses, smiles.
Relationships of both types are filled with strong emotions: pain and fear at separation, joy at reunion, anger and sadness in case of fear of losing such a relationship. In both cases, we strive for rapprochement.
The quality of any close relationship is determined by how sensitive, accessible and responsive the loved one is. Success generates a sense of confidence, security, and openness, while loss of connection creates anxiety and protest behavior, which can be followed by depression and withdrawal.
So there is no internal conflict between the eroticism of romantic love and secure attachment. Partners with a secure type of attachment report greater satisfaction with their sex life. Security allows you to take risks with maximum courage, increases playfulness and the ability to let go and immerse yourself in pleasant sensations.
It has been proven that secure communication is especially important for women, who are more physically vulnerable in sex and therefore naturally more sensitive to the nature of the relationship during sexual intercourse. Although sex life may exist separately from attachment (purely as entertainment), it is quietly integrated into scenarios for establishing secure close relationships.
Source: Sue Johnson’s The Power of Attachment. Emotionally Focused Therapy for Creating Harmonious Relationships (Mann, Ivanov & Ferber, 2021).