3 foundations of self-respect

You have to respect yourself. Amazing! The only question is how. To start from Monday or from the New Year is an empty shaking of the air. How to start doing something that you have not done and do not know what it is? This advice is an empty phrase if there is no specifics. It is good if you saw an example from childhood or you were brought up in the spirit of respect for yourself and others. It often happens otherwise. I was raised under the motto «meet other people’s expectations.» The most frequent phrase I heard was «let me be worse.» She meant «I will do what others say, to the detriment of myself.»

When I realized that a normal life begins with self-respect, I had to learn this from the beginning. I looked for points of support and took the first uncertain steps, as a result, I identified three foundations of self-esteem.

1. Adequate self-esteem

Attitude towards oneself as a victim of circumstances, the desire to please others, to justify other people’s expectations, the fear of condemnation and, in general, dependence on external assessments is inadequate and biased self-esteem. The formula «Me and my self-esteem» includes an external variable.

“Meet success and reproach equally, not forgetting that their voice is false,” wrote Rudyard Kipling in the poem “The Commandment.” I repeated this phrase when again I took someone else’s assessment too close to my heart. To find the first point of support, you need to take three steps.

The first step is self-approval simply by the fact of existence.

The vast majority of children who have grown into insecure adults have been raised with the best of intentions. But these principles of education included initially false messages. As a child, the worst curse was to hear that you would not be loved. To be good, to be accepted in the team, you need to do the right things. As a result, the installation nested: “You are initially bad, but when you justify someone’s expectations, then, perhaps, you will become good.” Rave?

This is how the subconscious thinks in a childish way, the internal program works, which was downloaded at a time when we could not reason and think critically.

This program is written very deeply. Even as adults, we unconsciously continue with these old naive beliefs. Only by pulling these algorithms out, you can see all their absurdity and inconsistency. But while they are in the depths of the unconscious, they are sharks prowling in search of prey. Yes, they were conceived as protection and help, but over time they turned into monsters.

It’s time to remove them, replacing them with new useful settings:

• I am, so it’s good.
• I approve of myself, period, no strings attached.
• I’m good on my own, that’s how I was made.

The second step is self acceptance.

To approve oneself by the fact of existence is to accept oneself without conditions. An old soda ad had a set of «If I was like him, that would be cool» story line. After that, pictures followed, as all representations of oneself in the place of another invariably turned comical and burst like a soap bubble. There is nothing better than being yourself.

Be yourself and accept yourself with pluses and minuses (perhaps this is how you perceive some of your qualities). Each person, including you, has pluses, strengths, exceptional qualities. Do not believe me, ask your friends and relatives, be surprised how much good and unique they see in you.

The book of the Soviet psychologist Alexander Luria «A Little Book of Great Memory» tells about a man with a phenomenal memory. So, this amazing hero with unlimited mnemonic possibilities believed that everyone had it, he was no different from others. And with you the same story — what you consider banal, perhaps a unique quality.

Cons are not cons, this is a front of work. The path to success and development is negative feedback. It can and should be accepted with gratitude. Imagine that you no longer feel cold, hot, pain. You can sit on a fire or freeze to death without even noticing it, because there is no negative feedback. This is reminiscent of the elk from the joke, which, with a hangover, comes to the stream to drink water. A hunter shoots at him, and the elk feels so bad that he does not notice the wounds and thinks: “What is it? I drink, I drink, and I get worse and worse.

Those very minuses are the direction for work. Start asking yourself questions: what can I do to make it better? This applies to everything: work, communication with loved ones, relationships with a partner. When you understand how you can improve, start doing it. Over time, you will not have minuses, there will only be growth and development. You will begin to see yourself as «the possibility of anything.»

The third step is to give yourself the right to make mistakes.

“I have no right to this,” the little perfectionist told me. Over time, he turned from a bore into an executioner. This attitude is the product of false attitudes. This is a greeting from childhood, we have taught ourselves to be afraid of making mistakes. Once they were not afraid of anything, they got up and fell until they learned to walk, run and perform other pirouettes. Fear of error is superficial, instilled from the outside. Like varnish, it covers all of our beautiful texture. This is another example of good intentions backfiring. Mistake is normal, it is the feedback necessary for growth.

Successful people perceive failure differently. “I just found 10 ways that don’t work,” Thomas Edison said of his failures. It is an experience that enriches life. Take on a new attitude: “I have the right to be wrong. This is how I learn and become more effective, wiser.”

2. Knowledge and feeling of own competence

«Who knows that you’re in love? Only you alone. You feel it with all your skin ”(from the film“ Matrix ”).

The feeling of one’s own competence is not social recognition, but inner knowledge. You just know that you are the best, no matter what.

As a child, I knew that no one rides the waves better than me. On the beach, he was a “bodysurfing” champion, which he opened himself, no one knew if there was such a thing (there was no Internet then, the TV broadcast only two channels). There was no competition in a fictitious sport, I just knew that I had no equal in this. You may have a signature pilaf or pies recipe. No one better than you in the family cooks pizza, embroiders, manages staff? When I worked as a student in the USA, I considered myself the best dishwasher, the feeling of my competence overwhelmed. I walked with my head held high.

Competence can be anything. Here are three steps to help you get this tool:

1. Think for yourself and ask independent experts (friends and relatives): what do you do masterfully? Perhaps you are the best wife, mother or father, daughter, grandfather, friend? It is important! This is no less important than being a narrow-profile specialist in Silicon Valley or a large corporation.
2. There is such a quality. Connect it to yourself and every time you do it, say — «I’m doing great!»
3. Listen to how you feel as you do your job. Fix them in the body, «register» them at the cellular level, so that every particle knows that you are the best. Enjoy this feeling. It does not need to be demonstrated — you know about it, that’s enough.

3. Harmonious relationship

Yes, relationships are the cornerstone of life. How many people stumble, break spears, step on rakes, walk in circles. They ask: «Why do I get only moral freaks?» They throw themselves into the abyss of new relationships and, after a wave of passion, sink to the bottom of depression.

The problem is not the environment or the people. The question to ask yourself is: “Why do I choose only scum from a variety of people?” Yes, yes, you do it yourself, you are the reason for everything that happens to you. Both partners and the nature of the relationship you choose.

Having gone through the above steps, having found two points of support, you will receive a third one. A person with low self-esteem, who does not respect himself, chooses a partner whose relationship brings only negativity and suffering. When you evaluate yourself adequately and objectively, do not pay attention to external assessments, know your competence and uniqueness, you do not need to jump into the last carriage, rush at the first one that comes across, you no longer need this suffering.

Some people will leave the environment, and they will be replaced by those who are consonant with you. You will consciously choose worthy partners, build relationships based on love, trust, acceptance, respect and support.