3-5 years: my child has an imaginary friend

Imagination, delirium, mystical presence, adults find it difficult to remain rational in the face of this disconcerting episode. Adults do not necessarily have direct access to this “imaginary friend”, hence their concern in the face of this surprising and often confusing relationship. And the child says nothing, or little. Thanks to it, your child can at leisure replace moments of frustration with invented moments, a mirror in a way, on which their identifications, expectations and fears will be expressed. He speaks to him aloud or in a whisper, reassures himself that he can share his emotions with him.

The imaginary friend is used to accept reality

Very little, we have access to all our desires. Normal! On the other hand, when he grows up, the child begins to apprehend reality, which is not always to his liking. To help them, some create an imaginary friend. A sort of vestige of their all-powerful past, which allows them to better accept reality and avoid what is unpleasant or that bothers it.

The imaginary friend “participates” in nonsense

These imaginary friends are endowed with magical powers and can do all kinds of forbidden things or experiences for the child. They also make it possible to express impulses usually proscribed such as hatred, aggressiveness or selfishness. Do not be surprised to see your child lecturing his imaginary friend because he does not want to lend a toy or because he has spilled “his” glass of water again!

The imaginary friend helps the child to find his personality

The imaginary friend is part of his exploration of the world. He helps her to know herself and to find her identity… in a creative way. Thanks to him, he can live in the shoes of different characters, and see which he feels best in. In addition, it allows him to tell mum and dad everything he has on his mind!

The imaginary friend helps develop the imagination

A farm ad to retype and we imagine ourselves spending Christmas there with our children, once the work has been done. A little zouk, and we see ourselves quietly sipping a ti’punch in front of the setting sun. The imagination feeds our life and our hopes. By letting our child have this special friend, we make him understand that imagination and creation give a certain freedom but also help to find solutions to our problems.

The imaginary friend only lasts a while

Imaginary friends often appear during the Oedipal period, between the ages of 3 and 5, and settle into your child’s life for a few months. There is no need to worry even if your elders have not experienced this, each child has their own development and specific needs. If he talks too much about it, if he doesn’t have “real” friends or if he tells you that his friend wants to hurt him, this shows that he is going through a period that is too anxious and especially too long, he is then useful to have you help.

Having an imaginary friend is not lying

The concept of lying is not mastered at this age. He lives in a magical universe, one where fairies rub shoulders with dragons and where his toys talk to each other in the evening. So why wouldn’t the cat eat all the chocolates? We are more in the fabrication than in the lie. When he says “it’s not me”, he means he didn’t do it on purpose but isn’t trying to lie.

The imaginary friend does not lead to isolation

It is not the imaginary friend that leads to isolation, but sometimes the opposite. This phase often takes place before entering the preparatory course, a period during which he will find real friends and often make the one he created for himself disappear.

We must not ban the imaginary friend

The imaginary friend is useful for allowing your child to break certain rules, thus showing that he has understood and accepted them. However, you remain the referent, the one who anchors things in reality. Show that you are not fooled, that it is he who made a mistake and remind him of the rule … that he and his friend must respect. Another thing: let him have his imagination, it is his private space. As a parent, you can’t be on all sides! Besides, it is not useful to participate. Know how to set the limits that suit you, some parents agree to put an extra plate at the table but nothing forces you to do so!

Imaginary friend: listening to my child

A little dreaming doesn’t hurt

Even if his imagination disarms you, don’t destroy your child’s daydream. Live with a princess, hunt the dragon with his friend: he expresses his fantasies. Adults have long lost this imagination and above all no longer verbalize it at all. This small interior world, fairy and magical, allows him to better apprehend reality.

Normal behavior for professionals

According to them, it is a “double self”, allowing young children to project their desires and concerns. Psychologists speak of “a function in the psychic development of the child”.

So don’t panic, your toddler needs a friend of his own, and to be able to use him as he sees fit. 

In fact, this imaginary friend appears at a stage of development when the child has a rich and flourishing imaginary life. Scenarios and invented stories abound.

The creation of this inner world has a reassuring function of course, but can also be a response to anxieties or a reality not so funny as that.

Under surveillance anyway

A child in pain, too socially alone or feeling excluded, may have to invent one or more imaginary friends. He has total control over these pseudos friends, making them disappear or reappear at will.

He will project on them his worries, his fears and his secrets. Nothing really alarming, but stay vigilant all the same!

If a child is too withdrawn into the exclusivity of this relationship, it can become pathological if it lasts over time and hinders him in his other possibilities to befriend. It will then be necessary to consult an early childhood specialist to unravel what is playing out behind this staging of a certain anxiety about reality.

Adopt a positive reaction

Tell yourself that this should not worry you too much, and that it is a way for your child to feel better in this unique moment that he is going through.

Keep it simple, without ignoring or praising their behavior. It is important to find the right distance, by taking a brief look at it.

In fact, letting him talk about this “friend” is letting him talk about himself, and this can only be beneficial to know a little more about his hidden emotions, about his feelings, in short, his intimacy.

Hence the importance of knowing how to balance your interest in this virtual world, without being too intrusive.

Between the real and the virtual

On the other hand, we must not get into a perverse game which would imply that the limit between the true or the false no longer exists. Children of this age need solid benchmarks and to understand through adults what is real.

Hence the importance of not addressing the friend in question directly. You can even tell him that you don’t see this friend and that it is his desire to have a personal space, a “friend”, that makes him believe that he exists.

No need to argue or punish your child because he firmly supports his existence. Remind him that he is doing this wrong and that in a while he won’t need it anymore. Usually, the virtual friend disappears as quickly as he arrived.

In the end, it is a normal passage, (but not obligatory), which can be rather positive for the child if it remains punctual and not alienating.

These pseudo friends are the personal trace of a rich inner life and even though adults don’t have virtual friends, they still sometimes like to have their secret garden, just like the little ones.

Testimonials from mothers

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