29 manipulations that people use in correspondence

Text messaging has become so commonplace that for many of us, a phone call is no longer an acceptable mode of communication. Indeed, written communication can be more delicate — the interlocutor always has the opportunity to answer when convenient and think about the correct wording. But at the same time, instant messengers provide new options for word games and psychological manipulations.

The most difficult thing is when we feel that the correspondence is becoming toxic, but this feeling is so elusive that it seems like “there is nothing to complain about”. The best thing to do in situations like this is to arm yourself with knowledge. To do this, psychologist and expert in working with conflict situations Christine Hammond classified the types of manipulative techniques in correspondence.

Typical story

Max came to a meeting with a psychotherapist upset. The more he tried to maintain a relationship with his ex-wife and children, the worse the situation became. He was advised to use messaging rather than verbal communication to bring more clarity to communication: establish agreements and receive confirmations, clear up confusion and minimize verbal attacks. However, the ex-wife found a way to manipulate him through text messages. Worse, she taught this tactic to the children.

Abuse can manifest itself in various forms. Traditionally, there are seven types: physical, mental, verbal, emotional, financial, sexual and spiritual. Previously, text messaging was not considered as a separate format of manipulative communication. However, he may be. Correspondence may also manifest a desire to control, manipulate and harm another.

Some features of this type of communication even enhance the effect. For example, since the tone of a text message cannot be distinguished, the same message can be interpreted in different intonations and meanings.

29 text manipulation tricks

Christine Hammond gives 29 examples of manipulative text messaging.

1. Generalizations

No specifics: «You yourself know what you did.» This is a trap for a potentially guilty party or a way to upset an honest person.

2. Refusal to answer questions

When Max asked about something, his ex-wife ignored the messages and did not answer, even when he repeated the questions.

3. Accusations of “not getting the jokes”

The ex-wife made offensive statements: “It looks like you have earned a lot more this year than you said!” — and then claimed that it was just a joke.

4. Inappropriate sarcasm

And good jokes can be sarcastic to some extent, but it’s hard to tell from text messages whether a comment is joking, serious, insincere, or hurtful.

5. Change of topic

During the discussion of a certain issue, Max’s ex-wife abruptly changed the direction of the conversation, as if the previous topic had not been discussed.

6. Long texts

The messenger format is designed for short conversations, not page-length essays. This volume of texts is much more appropriate to send by e-mail.

7. Grammar manipulation

A comma in the wrong place, or the absence of a comma, can change the meaning of a sentence or leave it unclear. “Execution cannot be pardoned” is not the only example of such ambiguity.

8. Attracting to your side those who do not participate in correspondence

«My kids and I think you have a terrible temper.» Max’s ex-wife often included the children’s «opinion» in the message to reinforce her point. However, the children had no idea what their mother was saying.

9. Accusations of oversensitivity

When Max felt that a comment addressed to him was offensive, the ex-wife stated that he was too sensitive and took everything too seriously.

10. False accusations

Such claims can be difficult to prove or disprove. The person who makes them is trying to control the situation in this way.

11. Accusations of “wrong” intonation

As a rule, it is difficult to determine intonation in correspondence. Accusing the interlocutor of the fact that this intonation is “bad”, “not like that”, he is forced to defend himself.

12. Refusing to talk on the phone

When things get too confusing, there is a need for face-to-face communication, such as on the phone. Avoiding it entirely can also be a manipulative tactic.

13. Ignoring messages for several days

Max’s ex-wife ignored his messages about children for several days in a row. But when she needed answers to other questions, she immediately wrote to him.

14. Sending multiple messages to piss off the other person

Max once counted 105 messages that she sent him consecutively during office hours. The situation wasn’t urgent or critical—she just wanted more money.

15. One-word answers

Max’s children regularly answered him in monosyllables, even to open-ended questions that implied a detailed answer. This kept him from communicating with them.

16. Undefined emoticons instead of words

The use of faces, hand gestures, or other ambiguous emoticons in responses makes the message unclear. This is a way to upset the interlocutor.

17. Avoid punctuation

If sentences follow one another without any grammatically marked pauses, confusion arises. Such a text is difficult to read, it leaves room for interpretations, often opposite.

18. Using slang to communicate with someone who does not understand it

The children often used abbreviations or slang words that they knew their father did not understand. When he asked for clarification, they sent back «lol» (laughing out loud — loudly, laughing out loud).

19. Different messages in person and in messages

For example, in a telephone conversation, the ex-wife agreed to change the time of Max’s meeting with the children so that he could get to work. But then, in a text message, she claimed she didn’t agree to anything.

20. Use capital letters unnecessarily

The use of capital letters in a text message indicates an increase in intonation. Sometimes Max would get a long paragraph with all the words in capslock. It was difficult to read and difficult to interpret.

21. Self-harm threats

This could include messages about intent to harm oneself, taking pills not prescribed by a doctor with the intent to harm oneself, get drunk, get sick, and the like. Threatening to do so is pure manipulation, says Hammond.

22. Message attack when a person is busy

The ex-wife knew that Max was on a date, so during the evening she sent him messages about any little things. Even when he stopped responding, that didn’t stop her. In total, she sent him 145 messages in four hours.

23. Threats to harm the interlocutor or others

“Any written threat of harm is manipulation and a call for help. If in doubt, call the police, ”advises the expert.

24. Sending a photo of potential danger or self-harm

One night, Max received a message from his ex-wife: a picture of a handful of painkillers. There was no accompanying text, and when Max tried to contact her, she didn’t answer. Finally he called the police.

25. Demanding an immediate response

Children demanded that Max respond to their messages at any time of the day or night, but they themselves often ignored his messages.

26. Refusal to provide specific information

The wife asked Max to pick up the kids at the mall at a certain time. When he asked where exactly to meet them, she did not answer.

27. Inciting discord by distributing fragments of correspondence

It was a typical tactic—she would often show the children snippets of his messages as evidence that he was the source of the problem and the cause of the conflict.

28. Choosing the Worst Possible Interpretation

Instead of asking for clarification if the message could be understood in different ways, the ex-wife chose the worst of the potential meanings and responded as sharply as possible.

29. Denial of what was said in the previous message

According to Hammond, this is probably the most unpleasant manipulative tactic. Max’s ex-wife stated that they did not agree on something, even if this issue was agreed in a text message a week earlier.

Understanding the tactics of abusive text messages helped client Kristin Hammond better understand the situation and respond thoughtfully. In the end, when the ex-wife and children realized that they could no longer manipulate Max, they stopped “pulling the strings” in correspondence with him.