Do you think you know your partner well? Are you definitely on the same wavelength as your best friend? Nobody understands your child better than you? Psychotherapist Rachel Finzi believes that we often confuse superficial knowledge about a person with true intimacy. She explains how to create the conditions for a loved one to open up to you.
Even if you often and closely communicate with loved ones, this does not mean that you understand their true motives and desires. Perhaps you know where your husband likes to relax, what group your girlfriend loves, and what game your son enjoys. But you may not suspect what makes a loved one happy, scary, angry or motivating. But you probably want to know the answers to these questions, right?
As a rule, one interlocutor says more about himself than the other. Taking turns asking each other the following questions will help balance the relationship and strengthen intimacy. In addition, this way you show your loved one that you really want to know more about him.
Start with simple and safe questions:
- What do you do to recover when there is no strength for anything?
- What was the highlight of today?
- What character do you think you look like?
- If you had three free days and as much money as you wanted, what would you do?
- Who was your favorite teacher at school and why?
- What’s the strangest place you’ve been to?
- What has your job taught you?
- What hobby would you choose if you were not limited in time and money?
- What do you like more: planning or improvising?
- What would you like to know more about?
- Who helped you become who you are now, who influenced you the most?
- What do you like to start the day with?
- If all jobs had the same schedule and pay, what would you do?
- What are you looking forward to in the near future?
With loved ones, you can raise questions:
- What happened today that motivates you to move forward?
- What events made you stronger?
- What do you think about most often?
- How do you rate people?
- What is most important to you in a person, and what is unacceptable?
- What do you most often need help with?
- What problem are you currently trying to solve?
- What bad habit do you find it hardest to get rid of?
- What do you think would help you get rid of it?
- What good habit would you like to develop first?
- What prompted you to finally do it?
- Has it ever happened to you: something started very badly, but ended well?
- If you had one day left to live, what would be the first thing you would do?
- What else would you like to tell about yourself?
Watch the verbal and non-verbal reactions of the interlocutor. If he is slow to respond, don’t pressure him. You can share your answers to some of the questions, but don’t take over the conversation. Take turns speaking without interrupting each other. The technique is used in family therapy when one or both partners feel that the other does not hear them.
The main thing is to let your loved one feel that he is noticed and accepted, that he will not be rejected and will not start arguing with him. Showing sincere interest in another, unconditionally accepting him is one of the most valuable gifts that can be given. Try it.
About the author: Rachel Finzi is a psychotherapist at the University of California, Los Angeles.