25 year olds: what they worry about

In our early twenties, most of us begin adult life: education is completed, a job appears, a family of our own, our first children. But if 50 years ago 65% of 30-year-old men and 77% of women of this age considered themselves adults, now only 31% and 46%. Most admit that they are disappointed, experience indecision, fear, feel bored and confused.

“The crisis of entry into adulthood”, “early transitional age” – this is how psychologists define this difficult time. But it is more commonly referred to as the “quarter-life crisis.” The term came into use thanks to two 25-year-old Americans – New Yorker columnist Alexandra Robbins and web designer Abby Wilner, authors of the book “Quarter Life Crisis: Unique Life Tests of Those Over 20”.

The topic turned out to be relevant for millions of yesterday’s graduates not only in the USA, but also in France, Italy, Germany: the book became an international bestseller. In Russia, the same topic is of no less keen interest to those over twenty, as well as developmental psychologists, to whom people of this age are increasingly turning for advice.

“Quiet” crisis

The experiences of 25-year-olds have long remained in the shadow of more “loud” critical periods – the crises of adolescence and middle age. Perhaps because they are not so visible to others. But, like any crisis, this one affects the most significant aspects of life and hurts.

It took 27-year-old Oleg several years to find a unique key to adulthood: “It was not easy for me to realize that the advice of my father and the care of my mother would not make me happy. I myself must be responsible for what happens to me, for my disappointments, successes and failures.

The path to understanding this turned out to be long and left a lot of scars in my soul. Oleg tried to adapt to the lifestyle that his relatives imposed: after graduating from medical school, he came to work in a family company.

“During the day I sat out my pants in my father’s office and was frankly bored,” he recalls. “My real life began in the evening, when my friends and I went to the club, listened to music, discussed new discs.” After a year and a half of the “double life”, Alexander left “from his father” to a large recording company. “The music industry doesn’t look that great from the inside,” he says, “but I feel much more comfortable here.”

26-year-old Lika is also acutely aware of the contrast between her own expectations and reality: “I was always sure that by the age of 25 I would live on Nevsky Prospekt, I would have a smart and successful boyfriend and my own TV program,” she admits. – Now I work in the news on a cable TV channel, and most of the salary is eaten up by renting a “odnushka” in a residential area in which I live alone. It seems to me that youth is passing, but I can not achieve anything.

Build an image of yourself

The feelings of Oleg and Lika are strong and sincere. “But many of those who belong to a more mature age, including parents of 20-year-olds, are critical and even ironic in assessing the situation,” says psychologist Sergei Stepanov. – The experiences of young adults seem to them the whims of spoiled children.

For a generation of parents, having a decently paid job, a modest but gradually growing wealth, serve as evidence that life is a success. After all, many in their youth were deprived of this.

Young souls seethe with internal conflicts. “And the deepest of them is connected with the first assembly of oneself, with the search for one’s identity, which comes into conflict with reality, with what society offers young people,” explains age psychologist Yuri Frolov. – When adolescence ends, it is important for everyone to feel independent from their parents, but at the same time, they want to feel the warmth and support of their relatives.

20-year-olds acutely feel the contradiction between the need for intimacy and the fear of losing themselves, dissolving in a partner. As a result, an idealized perception of childhood and adolescence, nostalgia for them and regret about the opportunities missed at that “golden time” arise.

“There are experiences, but they are not tragic,” says psychotherapist Stefan Klerge. “This is not about a turning point or a radical shake-up of the foundations, but only about an awakening, even if it is disturbing or bitter. And, as with any awakening, someone is tormented by the blues or a hangover in the morning, and someone gets turned on half a turn and immediately begins to make plans for the day.

By the age of 30, we revise our perception of ourselves, taking into account new knowledge about reality, separate it from our own and parental fantasies, and move on to a new life stage. This is a period of rethinking yourself and developing new life priorities – a serious turn that needs to be made. As with any turn, first you slow down, hesitate, and then start moving with renewed vigor.

Separation from parents

Many opportunities are open to young people: you can work in a bank or play rock and roll, get married or flutter from romance to romance. However, the moment inevitably comes when you have to make a choice, which means you have to give up all options except one. And in this case, you will have to rely only on your own desires: the symbolic landmarks that mother and father used to serve no longer have their former meaning.

“I understand that so far there are many roads in front of me,” says Lika, “but you need to choose one! Then it will be difficult to replay, if possible at all.

According to psychoanalyst Tatyana Alavidze, part of the fear of choice is explained by the behavior of parents. Many of them are not ready to be left alone with themselves and in every possible way delay separation.

“Directly or indirectly, they actually continue to interfere in the lives of their children, dictating where they should work or with whom to spend time,” says Tatiana Alavidze. – This is facilitated by their financial participation in the lives of children. And as a result, they artificially delay the maturation of a son or daughter.”

“It is important to distinguish between psycho-emotional and material independence,” Stefan Klerge clarifies. — Quite often, a graduate or a young specialist continues to depend on their parents in everyday life, while maintaining internal immunity and independence in making key decisions. There is no direct connection here.”

The wisdom of life

In Chinese, the word “crisis” consists of two hieroglyphs – “danger” and “opportunity”: this is how the ancients’ confidence came to us that in every problem situation there is not only the destruction of the old, but also the creation of the new.

“There is no need to be afraid of the age crisis, it contains the culture of development and the wisdom of life,” Yuri Frolov is sure. “It is important to learn to listen to your crisis, to study it, because it is it that makes us seek contact with ourselves, allows us to gain psychological integrity, begin to perceive ourselves realistically and, as a result, resolve many internal conflicts with a positive way out of it.”