21 self-talk questions

Clinical psychologist David Van Der Vont says that asking yourself questions is very useful, although most people do this only in crisis situations. At the same time, thinking about life, we usually evaluate situations simply as good or bad: “I’m bored in marriage”, “I hate my job” …

“We very often automatically believe that everything that is pleasant to us is good for us, and everything that is unpleasant should be avoided,” says the psychologist. In fact, much of the “pleasant” can be destructive, and the “unpleasant” can often give a lot. “There is something in the dark that wants to come out into the light, something that can transform us,” Van Der Vont says.

To live a full, fulfilling life, it is important to be able to look at reality from different angles – and from the point of view of different people. Experts will help you better understand the four most important aspects of life.

1. Personal life

Understand what the relationship with your partner reveals about yourself, and try to solve old problems.

Ask yourself:

• How do I feel about my current situation (without a partner, in a relationship, married)?

• What do I like about myself in terms of relationships with a partner?

• What do I dislike about myself in relation to my partner?

• What aspects of the relationship cause discomfort? (Money, sex.)

• Am I willing to take care of my partner’s well-being without sacrificing my own well-being?

• Do I like the kind of couple we form?

• Are we listening to each other’s needs?

Expert Opinion

Is it true that the goal of building a relationship is to make yourself happy? Clinical psychologist David Van Der Vont doubts this. For him, “relationships are a lot of mirrors. We see how some aspects of ourselves are reflected in a partner, as in a mirror, and then we begin to “throw stones” at this mirror, thinking: “This relationship does not suit me, because he / she …”

Instead of assessing how much joy and happiness relationships bring to you, it would be more useful to ask: “How does this relationship help me better understand my own life path – where am I coming from, where am I now and where am I going?”

Discomfort does not necessarily indicate a problem. It can be seen as an opportunity to get to know yourself better and an invitation to explore new, uncharted territory within a relationship.

Dissatisfaction allows you to comprehend the experience of childhood, which manifests itself again.

Ask yourself, “What makes me uncomfortable?” Focus on yourself, not on your partner’s apparent shortcomings. Ask yourself: “What or who does this person remind me of? When have I ever felt like this before?”

Habitual situations – even as painful as the emotional unavailability of a partner – give a feeling of comfort and security, and change can be scary. Try to identify these recurring patterns and ask yourself, “What does this situation tell me about myself? What hidden benefit does it give me? What will happen if the situation changes?

“You can end a relationship because you feel dissatisfied. But without dealing with all the issues, you run the risk of facing the same problems next time, ”says David Van Der Vont.

In our culture, it is customary to consider a spouse to be simultaneously a parent, friend, brother or sister, and confessor. In fact, one person is not capable of fulfilling all these roles. If some aspect of a relationship leaves you unsatisfied, ask yourself, “Should I even expect this from a relationship with a partner?”

What to do?

Write yourself or a partner an honest letter, but don’t send it. Write by hand, this will allow you to slow down automatically arising thoughts. In the letter, try to answer the questions: “What does this relationship mean to me at the moment? What do my feelings of abandonment, lack of attention, “out of breath” really mean?

Discuss these issues with your partner, avoiding blame (Instead of “You always…” say “I feel that…”). Each can suggest ways to better meet the needs and demands of the other (communicate differently? plan time together?).

If you decide to end a relationship, do it consciously. Even if your partner contributed to the breakdown of the relationship through their behavior, acknowledge how much their presence in your life meant to you. This will help to avoid leaving unresolved issues.

2. Job

Are you satisfied with your current job? Isn’t it time to change the place, or at least change the regime?

Ask yourself:

• How much time each week do I devote to work, social life, myself?

• What was most important to me in my work at the beginning of my career: recognition, income, interest, creativity, communication, leadership? What is more important at the moment?

• What situation in my career has motivated me the most and why? What situation undermined motivation the most and why?

• What are the five most important things for me in any job? How satisfied am I with the current situation for each of these criteria?

Expert Opinion

“Work is a huge part of life. Job dissatisfaction can easily spill over into other aspects of life, so it’s important to maintain the right balance,” says Nanette Tredo, a counseling psychologist.

If, while answering the questions, you realized that work priorities have changed a lot over time, adjustments will be required. “Values ​​and priorities change over time,” explains Nanette Tredo. For example, at the beginning of a career, ambition and a thirst for money are quite normal. But over time, something else must come to the fore, otherwise stagnation will come and other aspects of life will begin to suffer – family, relationships with friends.

It is not necessary to plan a complete change of work, it may well be enough to change the place, position or regime. “Perhaps you realize that you have already outgrown the role that you are currently playing, and that it does not meet your personal needs, and therefore it is time to move on,” says Nanette Tredo.

When remembering situations that empowered or debilitated them, focus on your entire career, not just recent events.

“Think carefully about why these situations had such an impact,” says Nanette Tredo. At the same time, try to separate the problems associated with communication with colleagues, and the work itself: your priorities, the creative aspect, job satisfaction, status, earnings.

Ask yourself: “What makes me happy at work?”, “What else do I need to learn to become more competent?”, “What am I getting from this job?” (money? recognition?). “What am I missing in this job?” (team support? independence?). Once you understand this, you can move on to specific actions.

For example, if it is important for you to benefit society, can you participate in the company’s social projects? Maybe consider volunteering for a charity over the weekend? Work can be fulfilling, but work alone cannot give you everything you need.

What to do?

Talk to someone you trust – it could be a therapist, a friend, a spiritual mentor. By discussing your work with others, you can better see your strengths and weaknesses and understand what you need to be happy.

Decide on your role at work. Talk to your boss and ask for a clear list of your responsibilities and required skills. Specify how the quality of your work is assessed. A clear understanding of all these aspects will give a sense of reliability and meaningfulness.

Start with small changes. Take conflict resolution or stress management training, for example, or consult an expert on how to dress appropriately. This will help restore balance. If these measures do not help, try to consult a psychologist who specializes in the psychology of work. If you’re planning a radical change, it’s worth talking to a coach or therapist.

Any, even desirable changes bring stress. If you prepare properly, you will successfully overcome the transition period and adapt to the new situation.

3. Relationships

Our personal history influences relationships with friends, relatives and colleagues. In order to change something, it is important to identify problems that go back to childhood.

Ask yourself:

• What kind of relationships with relatives and siblings did I have as a child? Can I express my feelings?
• What impression do people usually have of me?
• Does it fit with its own image of itself?
• What common themes keep popping up in my relationships with people?
• Am I satisfied with my behavior in relationships with people? (Am I willing to listen, to help? Am I judgmental? Obey? Envy?)
• When I express my opinion, are those around me ready to listen and take me seriously?

Expert Opinion

Our view of the world and ourselves is shaped in childhood, explains clinical psychologist Ruth Enzer. “The first months of a child’s life can leave a mark on the rest of his life. If he was taken care of properly, it teaches him that the world is safe,” she says. If you have been deprived of such care, it will probably be difficult for you to trust others. This could happen if, for example, the mother suffered from postpartum depression and there was no one around to help her take care of you.

If in childhood you observed the destructive behavior of others in conflict situations, then perhaps in adulthood you will either try to avoid conflicts, or, on the contrary, love to scandal. According to Ruth Enzer, these tendencies often carry over to other relationships.

Relationships are also affected by self-esteem. If she’s okay, you won’t jump to conclusions about yourself just because a friend forgot your birthday.

“Become aware of the ideas that were instilled in you as a child,” says Ruth Enzer. If you failed, were those around you comfortable with it? Or did you just need achievements? Or maybe it meant that you were not able to achieve success?

Try to identify topics that constantly pop up in relationships with people. If someone once dropped: “You are so selfish!” Perhaps the reason lies in his own problems. But if you’ve heard this from many, chances are you’re the one with the problem. Ask yourself: “What are my unconscious actions causing such a reaction?”

“In the family, we get roles (like ‘scapegoat’) and continue to play them, even if it causes a lot of suffering.” But even if the attitude of others does not change, we can change our reaction to it. Be aware of the role you have been “assigned” to play, and consider whether it suits you. If it is difficult to do this on your own, consult a psychotherapist.

What to do?

Try to find out as much as possible in detail what was the emotional climate in the family where you grew up. Change the style of communication – and the attitude of others will also change. Use phrases like “I don’t think we’re spending enough time together” instead of “You never have enough time to meet.”

Train assertiveness in yourself – be able to defend your rights, while respecting and not violating the rights of others.

If you can handle criticism well, ask a few people for “outsiders’ opinions”, say: “I’m trying to figure out how I look in the eyes of others. I think I look too shy (or aggressive, oppressive). This is true?” Try to listen as openly and calmly as possible to any possible answer.

4. Understanding yourself

By spending time alone, you will be able to understand your true nature and change your life so that the external matches the internal better.

Ask yourself:

• Am I comfortable on my own? Do I know the real me, hidden under many layers of habits and psychological defenses?

• What is my deepest motivation? Recognition, money, self-care, the common good?

• Am I satisfied with the image of myself that I show to the world? Is this the real me? If not, why am I afraid to show myself as I am? (Can they condemn? Is this unacceptable?)

• How do I take care of myself (eating, shopping, chatting with friends)? How much does it benefit me and how much harm?

Expert Opinion

To live life to the fullest, you need to discover your true self. Clinical psychologist Kolinda Linde says that living truly means being yourself, not how you or anyone else would like you to be. Of course, you need to strike a balance between your own well-being and the well-being of others, but “if you don’t violate anyone’s rights, nothing can stop you from truly being yourself,” she says.

First, ask yourself: “Who am I?” When something bothers you, ask yourself, “Is this okay with it?” If you don’t like it, but you don’t do anything, it turns out that you don’t show your true face.

It’s much easier to make decisions when you can honestly say, “This is mine.” Or: “It’s not mine.” For example, if deep down you don’t like companies and parties, being yourself, you can drop in for half an hour to a friend’s birthday and then leave or even meet her separately and not feel any guilt.

By understanding what your true self represents, you will be able to assess which aspects of life are in harmony with it and which are not – and how to change it.

Ask yourself: “Is my living space comfortable for me? Does leisure help develop my inner self? Do I like my clothes? Am I comfortable in my own body?

Kolinda Linde advises to carefully consider the answers to these questions for several days. Perhaps you will realize that it is time to allow yourself to wear orange or you should take tango lessons …

“Everyone has fears, we deceive ourselves and do not accept ourselves as we are. But the wise inner self never lies. It tells who we really are and what we need to be happy,” says Kolinda Linde.

What to do?

Keep a diary. Give him 15 minutes of silence every day for a week. Focus on one question (for example, “Am I comfortable on my own?”) and write down your considerations. Remember who you interacted with during the day. Were you yourself? When were you not sincere?

Make yourself a realistic, step-by-step plan to get rid of bad habits. Do you want to start exercising or exercising? Start with one session a week and gradually build up.

Learn something new, if you feel that in some area of ​​​​skill is not enough, learn from professionals. For example, if you want to learn how to be a better host, take a cooking class.