Love does not always bring serene joy and happiness. Sometimes we get in the way… our ideal ideas of her. Coach Stephanie St. Clair, who counsels couples with the most complicated relationships, believes that we all have to accept harsh truths about relationships in order to find true love.
I am an optimist by nature, and therefore I am optimistic about love, relationships and the great opportunities that the world gives us, allowing us to find the most suitable partner for us.
However, when we sit down with clients and begin to ponder why something went wrong, it turns out that there are obstacles along the way. The vagaries of love and its fickleness, our ideal ideas about it, and those cruel truths about relationships that are yet to be accepted.
If only we could know how to crack the code and access healthy and happy relationships, we would have done it a long time ago. But again and again, couples with the most complicated relationships come to me. Experiencing hellish torment, they understand that in some cases their love can no longer be resurrected. We conduct a «debriefing» after the fact.
So, here are 21 brutal relationship truths we have to accept in order to find true love.
1. Don’t wait to be allowed.Let your partner go if you are in too much pain. Back off if love isn’t enough. Take action if your gut tells you. Don’t wait for the best time to come or for the best financial situation. Act now.
2. The next bus leaves in 5 minutes. Translation: if you were honest with your partner, but he turned out to be the wrong one or treated you wrong, send him to hell and move on. There is so much love and other people waiting for you. Look at this world differently. Stop thinking that something is always missing in it! Think about how many things there are in abundance.
3. No one can make you happy except yourself — this is another lie. Of course people can make you happy! They can give you such a charge of inspiration, give you so much strength! Why are we afraid to admit it? This tilt towards self-sufficiency is not needed, a balance is needed. I’m not suggesting that you be vampirically addicted, but other people can make you happier. Just let them do it.
4. You can love someone even if you haven’t fully loved yourself yet. It will be more difficult and require effort from both of you, but you can do it. Work on building love and trust in relationships, and don’t close yourself off from life.
5. Stop berating your ex. Every time you «re-create» him with your words, it’s like letting his ghost into the room. You are inviting that person back into your life, just as you invited them when you created their image with your love. You fill this ghost with your energy. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. (Hint: your goal is neutrality.)
6. The French say that in every relationship there is a «kissing» and a «kissing» one. These roles can move from one partner to another, you can change them over time. Or in some relationships you will be the «kisser» and in others you will be the other way around. But remember: in a healthy relationship, if you give in to your partner’s desires, you yourself get more.
7. Sometimes people come into our lives and leave only for us to finally pay attention to ourselves. Elizabeth Gilbert’s best-selling book puts it wonderfully: «But I love him.» — «Well, love him.» «But I miss him.» “So bored. Send him some love every time you think of him and then let it go. You are afraid to leave the last pieces of David, because then you will be really alone.
The problem is that you can’t understand that this relationship had a short lifespan. His goal was to shake you up, get you out of an unhappy marriage, hurt your ego a little, show you everything that’s holding you back, all your obstacles and addictions, and then leave you so desperate that you have to change, transform your life. Such people come so that we finally pay attention to ourselves.
8. Over the course of your life, you may have several big crushes and serious relationships.
9. I have worked with couples after infidelity, those with money problems, lack of sex, poor communication skills and jealousy. And all these problems sucked the life out of the relationship, but they were not dealbreakers — «the decisive condition for terminating the deal.» Most of these problems could be worked on. The #1 relationship killer, in my counseling experience, is hurting the person who asked you for help.
10. Don’t try to marry someone when you are still in love with the other.
11. The most attractive to us are those who simultaneously resemble mother and father.This filter lies deep in the unconscious. All we want is to be happy. But the unconscious wants us to be healed from those childhood wounds that once left us bewildered. And at the stage when we choose a person — at the stage of romantic love — it is the unconscious that acts. And it chooses for us that partner who will help us grow, give us the opportunity to heal. Sometimes these relationships can be very painful.
12. Remember that you have been given this divine, amazing, sparkling, like a comet, life.and you are free. And only you are authorized to decide how to spend it.
13. Sometimes the only reason you ever ended up together is to bring your beautiful baby into this world! It took me ten years of self-improvement, forgiveness and active communication with my ex-husband to get to this idea.
14. He is attractive, he has a good job, great parents who like you. He will be a wonderful father. But he is often depressed, distant, and doesn’t realize how wonderful he is.
She is very sweet, sexy, understands that you need personal space and communication with friends. She brings joy into your life. But she asks you about ex-girlfriends, often talks about cheaters, and would rather complain about her lack of confidence than do anything about it.
Lack of self-respect in any of the partners will nullify the relationshipeven if they have great potential.
15.The partner is going through a breakup with you, but not in this way and, perhaps, for other reasons. How can it be? You shared everything together, went through a lot, he also hurts like you, right?
Don’t be fooled by those who know how to admit their mistakes. Trust those who act and are responsible for their actions
This may be your first encounter with harsh reality, but what happens to both of you leaves different memories and guarantees nothing.
16. Love and partnership can take many forms. You can live a wonderful life with someone in whom you did not initially see a kindred spirit.
17. Some people can endure a lot in a relationship.because they think that this is how they prove their love and devotion. But in fact, they tolerate it because they are too attached to a person, afraid to be alone, or committed to the idea that they are rescuers or heroes. Such a person will be with you at the top and at the bottom, will go through your self-hatred, depression, ups and downs, he will take on any stream of impurities.
If this is you, I have a message for you: love feels different.
18. Loving someone, not being in love — that’s what it’s all about. If you want to meet true love, you need to decide if you are capable of this.
19. Do not be deceived by those who know how to admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. No one wants a constant parade of regrets and «I’m sorry.» Trust those who act and are responsible for their actions.
20. My grandmother used to say:Spend 4 seasons with a person and then say that you know him. And definitely put off talking about the wedding for a year. Of course, I didn’t listen to both of those pieces of advice. And — sorry, grandma, you were right!
21. The period of loneliness must be endured. This will be the best gift to yourself if you refuse drugs in the form of alcohol, Internet or workaholism. So your inner voice will become clearer, self-confidence — deeper, and the (temporary!) absence of another person nearby will allow you to see what a strong and wonderful person you really are!
About the Author: Stephanie St. Clair is a coach who works with couples going through a relationship crisis.