You want to please everyone. You are always quick to forgive the offender. It is more important for you not to receive, but to give – only then it seems to you that you are worth something. You are a very good person, even too good. But why don’t others appreciate it then?
I’m playing a game where I let them win. I’m playing a game I don’t want to play, I don’t know how to play, and worse, I don’t even know I’m playing it. And in this game, I’m always a loser. Because the cards were dealt long before it began. Because the best people are not valued by other people.
1. I feel bad for you when you violate my boundaries. Instead of asking myself what’s going on with my relationship, I ask him what’s wrong? I minimize my needs because I love too much.
2. I do not feel when they start to run into me for the first time. I didn’t get much respect when I was a kid and not much has changed since then. As long as the situation does not go beyond all possible boundaries, I consider it normal. And then it turns out too late.
He is always stressed, angry, caustic, tired … All these are signs that your partner is from the category of “toxic” people, but if he is still next to you, this is also a sign that the boundaries do not exist or have been there for a long time moved on.
Chaos occurs when there are no boundaries in relationships.
If someone acts like they don’t care about you, then they really don’t care about you.
3. I forgive right away. When I finally realize that I’m being disrespected, I think, “They didn’t want to.” And I automatically forgive. Or at least I convince them that what they have done is bad.
What the heck? Instead of standing up and standing up for myself, I teach them good manners.
4. I choose between relationships and self-esteem. I want love. This is a healthy desire. Everyone wants love. But I do not want to be alone for a minute and I protect my relationship at the cost of many concessions.
5. I begin to convince you that I am worth something, instead of acting. I remind you that I am a good friend, wife, I give examples of how I took care of you. This is the ultimate co-dependency mistake: trying to change what people think of you instead of taking care of yourself. And it doesn’t work.
The only way to show another that you are worth something is to be worth something. And there is only one way to do it – to believe in it yourself. When you know your worth, you don’t have to prove anything.
6. I believe that the one who loves me will never offend me. I see the world full of kind people, and it never occurs to me that someone who loves me might deliberately want to hurt me. I live in a world of fairy tales and fantasies, which at some point, for some unknown reason, turns into a world of nightmares.
I don’t know one simple truth: Just because I love someone with all my heart doesn’t guarantee that they will treat me well.
I have yet to learn an important thing: I must always protect myself by setting my own boundaries, no matter how much I love.
7. I think he feels and thinks like me. My purpose in relationships is pure and innocent: to love, to help, to protect. And I sincerely (and wrongly!) think that everyone around has the same goals as me. No, there are selfish, corrupt, cunning people in the world. And yet I still ignore the warning signs.
Even the nicest people in the world will not refuse to use you if you give them the opportunity.
8. I don’t want to offend anyone, even if they offend me. I am very careful in relationships. I move carefully and make sure I don’t step on anyone’s toes, I don’t want to hurt anyone, even at the cost of my own pain. I even try to shield them from the experience of hurting me. I hide it and pretend that everything is fine. It doesn’t occur to me that if someone acts like they don’t care about you, then they really don’t care about you.
9. I am blind to the truth and don’t believe that anyone can WANT to offend me. But even the nicest people in the world will not refuse to use you if you give them the opportunity.
10. I need your assessment. Ever since I was a child, I have felt that there is something wrong with me. I need you to tell me that I’m good because I still can’t tell myself that. And I also want you to admit that you were wrong when you offended me. That is, it turns out – I need another person in order to say that I can not be offended. And what do you think he will say?
11. I am a very empathic person: 100% empathy for you and 0% – for yourself. When someone offended me, I feel embarrassed for him. I take responsibility for other people’s feelings even when they hurt mine. This is the path to heaven, but it leads straight to hell.
12. I automatically think that everyone is right and I am wrong. Because the first thought that occurs to me when someone offends me is: “Probably I was wrong. What did I do wrong?
13. I am a magnet for those who like to play power. I am attracted to narcissists and egotists because I allow myself to be used. If I chose scenarios to play in, it would be a vampire drinking blood, an innocent victim laying his head on a chopping block, a sheep being sheared… The behavior of the victim is comfortable for me. And the Universe continues to give me what I myself ask from it …
14. I don’t know what respect looks like. It seems to me that you need to live in order to find yourself and your love, despite all the mistakes that I made. The idea that you can be in a relationship where you are respected, “just like that”, without doing anything for this, is alien to me.
15. I love everyone, and I feel sorry for them when they offend me. Emotionally, I am more attuned to others than to myself. I can’t catch my own wave and hear what it sounds like.
16. I don’t decide for myself. I ask others if what they have done to me is good. I seek consensus and compromise before doing anything in my favor. I believe that until I receive confirmation from another, I can not decide anything. Actually, it’s called helplessness.
Think about what is happening: I ask what is happening and why, from the one who offended me. I am looking for confirmation from someone who does not respect me, so that he says that he does not respect me …
17. I don’t build boundaries. The following reasons:
1) I want to please someone else
2) do not want complications,
3) I don’t know what I myself need, and I don’t think about it,
4) don’t know how to do it.
18. I feel guilty when I can’t give you everything.
19. I am uncomfortable in equal relationships. I need to give. So I feel like I’m worth something.
20. I’m afraid to be alone. Because I believe that relationships with others are much more important than relationships with oneself. Once I was small and thought that I would die without love. But I continue to live this old story and do not think that much has changed since then.
I don’t know that the moment I don’t let another person control my emotions, inner peace will come.
About the author: Jenna Ryan is a blogger and businesswoman.