Guilt is one of the most annoying things. To drown it out, some of us blame others for what happened, others lie or pretend that nothing terrible happened. Psychotherapist Mike Bundrent lists the tricks we come up with to avoid responsibility and explains why they are dangerous.
Interestingly, the justification and denial of one’s guilt comes surprisingly naturally – it seems that no effort is required at all for this.
Here are 20 ways we use to justify ourselves:
1. Blame someone else.
“It’s not my fault – it’s all of them!”
2. Blame ourselves.
“It’s not my fault… I was born that way, I was raised that way. What can I do, that’s who I am.”
In essence, this is another form of shifting the blame onto others.
3. Downplaying what happened.
“Well, yes, it was … but this is nonsense! No need to make an elephant out of a fly!
4. We pretend that we do not understand anything.
“A? I don’t know… How could you… Wait… What?!”
5. We translate the conversation into other people’s shortcomings.
“Yes, but just look at them. Compared to them, I’m not that bad!”
6. Set up a scene.
Throwing a tantrum, we divert the attention of others from our misconduct, as if saying: “Look what you brought me to, I’m going crazy now! See how wrong you are?
7. Change the topic of conversation.
“Is that the problem? Just look at what’s going on around!”
8. We lie.
“No, I didn’t do anything like that!”
9. Blame our emotions.
“I couldn’t help myself – I was overwhelmed with emotions!”
10. We blame society.
“In our society, this is all the time.”
11. We affirm that everyone does this.
“Such mistakes happen to anyone. I’m just like everyone else!”
12. I blame the victim.
“If he hadn’t been such a scoundrel, I wouldn’t have done this!”
13. Depicting righteous anger.
“How could you even think of such a thing? How dare you suggest that I could intentionally do something like that?”
14. We pretend that the law is not written for us.
“Yes, that’s who I am. Humble yourself. You don’t want to lose me?”
15. We accuse others of hypocrisy.
“Oh, and you are all so righteous, all you do is look for someone to blame for anything!”
16. Rename the problem.
“The guys and I were just having fun, like normal men!”
17. We pretend that we had no other choice.
“It’s not my fault… What were the options?”
18. We declare that our advantages outweigh all disadvantages.
“But, you see, it’s all trifles compared to what I am …”
19. Trying to sow doubt.
“Are you sure? How can you doubt my intentions!”
20. We pretend to be a fool.
“Ouch! And I didn’t know that it wasn’t possible!”
***
In trying to avoid responsibility, we are actually making things worse for ourselves by self-sabotaging.
As a result, suffer:
- your self respect. How can you respect yourself if you are not ready to take responsibility for your own actions?
- your relationship with others. How can you maintain close relationships with people if you deceive them?
- your personal growth. How can you grow if you do not recognize your shortcomings in the areas where you need to develop?
About the Author:
Mike Bandrent – psychotherapist, NLP trainer, founder and head of the iNLP training center. His