When a partner does not notice us, rejects us, treats us unfairly, we often take an oath to ourselves: “Never again!”.
“I will never open my soul to you again”, “I will never rely on you again”, “I will not let you close to my heart”. Sometimes we ourselves are barely aware that we make such a promise to ourselves. We may not even utter these words, but no matter how our vow sounds, we mark a border that cannot be crossed. In trying to protect ourselves, we make a pact with ourselves. In order to survive disappointment or a sense of abandonment, we move away from a partner. But we don’t tell him or her about it. And, perhaps, we ourselves will understand all the consequences of our decision only after many months or even years.
To be clear, this is not about relationships in which you are the victim of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse by your partner. In such situations, the vow «Never again!» absolutely justified. Violence must be stopped, either by forcing the partner to reconsider unhealthy patterns of behavior, or by ending the relationship.
In over 25 years of counseling couples, I have seen many times the power of these words. Partners come to therapy and show no enthusiasm. There are endless and fruitless quarrels and conflicts. Passion is gone from the relationship. They turned away from each other. Of course, there can be many reasons. But often during a therapy session, one of the partners, at first reluctantly, and then barely holding back tears, recalls some old incident.
This attitude can hurt deeply. It seems to us that we are alone, they do not understand us, we become afraid
“Eight years ago, doctors suspected I had cancer, I lived in fear for several weeks while I went through all the prescribed studies. And you were absorbed in work, ”said one woman.
“Within three months, I lost both my parents. I was so lonely. But you were too busy to console me,” complained another client.
After the birth of the second child, the husband moved away from his wife, he is not happy with the child, does not help to take care of him, although he willingly helped with the firstborn. The wife does not understand what happened, feeling abandoned.
The wife had a miscarriage, and her husband does not want to discuss it, saying that it is better to just live on. She is alone in her grief. One of the partners was threatened with dismissal. He needs support and understanding from his partner, but instead she only criticizes him and worries about finances. He feels like no one is supporting him.
This attitude can hurt deeply. It seems to us that we are alone, that we are not understood, we become afraid. We start asking questions: “Why don’t you support me? Can I rely on you? Am I really important to you? Do you really love me?»
We begin to look at the partner differently. We stop trusting him. We begin to notice the negative attitude towards ourselves more often and stop paying attention to the positive aspects in the relationship. Sometimes we try to tell our partner about our experiences. But, perhaps, he does not hear us or does not understand, and we give up.
And in other cases, we don’t even try to start this conversation. We are no longer ready to put our whole soul into relationships. When, during a therapy session, one of the partners tells how much pain the other partner once caused him, it often turns out that he did not even suspect how deep this spiritual wound was.
In order to break a vow you have made to yourself, it is first important to speak frankly with your partner. Explain what happened, what you experienced, and what conclusions you have drawn. It can be very difficult. If after that emotional wound you closed in order to protect yourself, opening again can be very scary.
Open communication will allow you to take a fresh look at your partner and get rid of accumulated negative stereotypes
But vows like «Never again!» undermine the very foundation of the relationship. The consequences of these emotional wounds most often do not go away on their own. When telling your partner about the event that changed your view of the relationship, be as open as possible. Perhaps the partner will be surprised or begin to make excuses. Let him know that your goal is to build relationships, not destroy them. And let him tell what happened in his life during that period.
If your partner decided to tell you about a long-standing incident that caused him heartache, it is important to understand how difficult it was for him to decide on such a conversation. If you find yourself making excuses, acknowledge it and try to be open. The partner does not attack you, but tries to build relationships.
Honesty and openness can bring relationships back to life. If necessary, see a qualified psychotherapist. Open and sincere communication will allow you to take a fresh look at your partner and get rid of accumulated negative stereotypes. Having dealt with old grievances, you will learn important lessons for yourself and understand how not to repeat past mistakes. By healing old wounds, you will be able to renounce the vow «Never again!» and try again to build a relationship.
About the Author: Dan Newhart is a family therapist.