Contents
- 1. “It’s not customary to keep secrets in our house”
- 2. “Look what you’ve done! It’s all because of you”
- 3. “I don’t like you when you do that”
- 4. “Our family does not think so. Don’t talk like that in this house.”
- 5. “Yes, how could you think such a thing! I just wanted to…”
- 6. “Well, that’s it, this is war!”
- 7. “Don’t you dare close the door to your room or I’ll think you’re doing something bad.”
- 8. “How can you be so clueless?”
- 9. “There was no such thing, you, as usual, invent everything”
- 10. “Your father is so-and-so / Your mother ruined my whole life”
- 11. “You should / should hear it”
- 12. “You did it on purpose!”
- 13. “You just don’t respect me when you do that”
- 14. “When I die, you will regret it”
- 15. “God will punish you”
- 16. “And what would your friends think of you if they saw you now?”
- 17. “When you are not around, this does not happen”
- What to do if you grew up with such parents
Disrespect for your personal boundaries, manipulation, endless and not unsuccessful attempts to play on feelings of guilt and shame – if your parents behaved this way to you, most likely, the following will respond to you. Why were some words so traumatic for us, and how can we avoid this behavior with our children?
1. “It’s not customary to keep secrets in our house”
In dysfunctional families, it is customary to make any information public, and if a child prefers to remain silent about something, they immediately begin to pull out his “secret” with ticks, or even read his diaries and eavesdrop on telephone conversations. However, for the time being, he himself tries to honestly answer the questions of adults out of a desire to be “good” in their eyes.
2. “Look what you’ve done! It’s all because of you”
Blaming and shaming a little person, who is most likely having a hard time anyway and who, perhaps, confessed everything to his parents (after all, secrets in the family, we recall, are not accepted) is much easier than supporting him, comforting and reassuring .
3. “I don’t like you when you do that”
Unconditional love and acceptance? No, we haven’t.
4. “Our family does not think so. Don’t talk like that in this house.”
Alas, many parents adhere to the paradigm “there are two opinions: one is mine, the other is stupid,” which means that if a child disagrees with them in some way, his opinion is considered nonsense.
5. “Yes, how could you think such a thing! I just wanted to…”
Was the child hurt or hurt? In a dysfunctional family, the parents will deny his right to “negative” feelings and certainly will not take responsibility for hurting him. And they will continue to harshly criticize “for his own good.” Because “who will tell you the truth, if not your own mother?”.
6. “Well, that’s it, this is war!”
In dysfunctional families, as a rule, there is some kind of “enemy”: a neighbor in the area, the housing office, the government, and the world seems to family members to be an unsafe place. And this attitude, of course, is instilled in the child.
7. “Don’t you dare close the door to your room or I’ll think you’re doing something bad.”
Borders? What are the boundaries?
8. “How can you be so clueless?”
As a rule, such a comment is released in all those cases when the child does at least something objectionable to the parents.
9. “There was no such thing, you, as usual, invent everything”
Is it any wonder that as we grow up, some of us become victims of gaslighting, if we are convinced from childhood that we misunderstood or remember everything?
10. “Your father is so-and-so / Your mother ruined my whole life”
As a rule, in dysfunctional families there is a confrontation between father and mother, and adults pull the child between themselves like a rope, forcing the little person to give them moral support and agree with unflattering reviews about the second parent. And, of course, if they eventually get divorced, then the child believes that the responsibility for this lies with him.
11. “You should / should hear it”
And it doesn’t matter how old the child is and whether he is psychologically ready to listen to the conversations of adults and become a witness to scandals between them.
12. “You did it on purpose!”
Even if a child does something not on purpose, he rarely succeeds in proving it: according to adults, he simply “spoils the nerves” of his father or mother.
13. “You just don’t respect me when you do that”
Does the child have an opinion different from the views of the elders? He accidentally disturbed them, but immediately apologized? Whatever he does, adults will shame him and accuse him of disrespect and bad manners.
14. “When I die, you will regret it”
What can I say: this is a sophisticated and powerful form of manipulation that can seriously injure a child.
15. “God will punish you”
In this case, fear is added to feelings of guilt and shame, and it becomes even easier to control the child.
16. “And what would your friends think of you if they saw you now?”
If you can’t accuse the baby of disrespect, you can always shame him and intimidate him with the fact that members of the reference group will most likely turn away from him if he continues to behave as he does.
17. “When you are not around, this does not happen”
A variation on the theme “you are to blame for everything”, only on a larger scale: the child begins to feel that he is the source of all troubles. How this affects his self-esteem, it is not necessary to tell.
What to do if you grew up with such parents
It takes time to recover from trauma inflicted in a dysfunctional family. First of all, you need:
1. Recognize that your family really was like that. It’s not easy: no matter what, you love them, and the first impulse is to protect mom and dad.
2. Having acknowledged the problem, you need to start talking about it – with friends, or better with a therapist – or keep a diary.
3. Having realized what is happening, it is important to understand how this has affected your adult life, relationships with romantic partners, friends and colleagues, and determine which areas you need to work on. Only by acknowledging that something is wrong can you change your habits, get rid of toxic patterns, and rewrite your scripts.
By understanding what happened to you, you can avoid repeating parental mistakes in relationships with your children.