“How could you do this?”, “She must answer for what she did!”, “I can’t forget this!”, “How can I even trust someone after this?” Similar thoughts and questions arise when someone treated us unfairly. Anger, resentment, despair, a desire for revenge seethe in us. It seems almost impossible to overcome the inner pain and even consider forgiving the offender. But it needs to be done.
Continuing to resent the wrong done to us, we exhaust ourselves physically and mentally, jeopardize relationships with important people and reduce our productivity.
To forgive means to let go, to release. Imagine that you are freed from the shackles of thoughts of revenge, seething rage, oppressive depression, smoldering resentment, anxiety and worry. Forgiveness can relieve these difficult experiences. The key to the prison cell door is already in your hands. But it is still not easy to do, and it will take time. Let’s see how this process happens and what can help.
1. To forgive, one must admit that an injustice has occurred that should not be repeated. Otherwise, there is nothing to forgive.
2. Before thinking about it, it is important to be aware of what we are experiencing. pain, anger, and don’t judge yourself for it.
3. Ask yourself: how am I dealing with resentment now? What are the advantages and disadvantages of these methods? Do they help you? If so, how? If not, why not? You may realize that constant ruminating about what happened, thoughts of revenge and anger lead to alcohol abuse or overeating and adversely affect health, relationships with others, and performance. These negative feelings deprive us of peace and exacerbate pain. Yes, it is unpleasant to realize that we ourselves are partly to blame for our problems, but it can motivate us to look at the situation in a new way, to think about forgiveness, which can free us from the burden of anger.
4. You can forgive, even if you continue to experience anger and resentment. In other words, we can make that decision even if we don’t feel like it. Often, conscious intention comes first, and forgiveness at the level of feelings and emotions comes later. We can forgive with our minds even if we are not yet ready to forgive with our hearts. Sympathy usually does not come immediately.
5. Forgiveness doesn’t mean the injustice was minor., we were not hurt, we somehow deserved it, or that our abuser did so unintentionally.
6. This does not mean that in the future we will allow this to be done to us. It would be unwise and unsafe to trust that he did not repent of his act and did not change his behavior. We do not have to put up with it and build relationships.
7. We can forgive the offender without removing responsibility for his actions.
8. We give up the right to hold a grudge and instead begin to treat the offender with compassion. It doesn’t matter if he deserves it or not. We are not talking about his personal qualities and intentions, we just do not want the resentment hidden inside us to destroy.
9. Forgiveness is most often not a one-time action, but a process. It usually happens in stages. Do not expect that you will instantly be able to get rid of the accumulated pain and begin to be generous to the offender. Rather, it can be compared to peeling an onion layer by layer. By understanding this, you will be able to see your progress towards your final goal more clearly and stop berating yourself for not going fast enough.
10. To forgive is not to forget. We continue to remember what happened, but stop endlessly thinking about how unfairly we were treated. Such thoughts will inevitably arise from time to time, but we have already made a decision and every time we can remind ourselves of this and try to get rid of the glamour. It will take practice, but it will get easier each time.
11. We can forgive even if the person has not repented or apologized.
12. Often, having become a victim of injustice, we perceive the world negatively for some time. But it’s not forever! Most likely, having gone through all the stages of forgiveness, we will again begin to look at life more positively.
13. To make it easier, remember that the identity of the abuser is not limited to his act. Try to imagine what he was thinking at that moment. Perhaps he was driven by fear or despair? Or maybe he has an unstable psyche? Psychological trauma from childhood? This does not justify his behavior, but it may help to understand the reasons for what happened.
14. Remember how you yourself once behaved not in the best way. Surely you do not want to repeat this, but is it really worth dwelling on these memories and torturing yourself? Have you asked for forgiveness from those whom you yourself have ever offended? If so, have you been able to forgive yourself and allow yourself to move forward without carrying the burden of the past? Do you realize that by forgiving the offender, you will give yourself the same freedom? How did you feel when someone forgave you for wrongdoings?
15. You are not alone. The vast majority of people were faced with a choice: forgive or continue to suffer. Try looking for support groups that discuss similar issues. If you are a believer, ask a higher power for help, read the stories of the martyrs of the past, who, despite terrible treatment and injustice, were able to forgive their tormentors.
16. Your suffering was not meaningless. It’s not that fate punished you in this way. But think about it – perhaps the experience has taught you an important lesson that you can learn to help others?
Most likely, in the process of forgiveness, you will first have to go through a lot of unpleasant emotions, and only over time it will become easier. During this difficult period, it is important to fully take care of yourself.
For example, it is helpful to give up some bad habits (alcohol abuse, self-isolation, sleeping too much, watching TV for many hours, spending too much) and replace them with something healthy and productive. Meet friends more often and go somewhere together, rejoice, laugh and have fun, meditate, do yoga, sports, read books that charge you with optimism. Ask yourself what you hope for in the future or what you hoped for before, before life lost its colors.
What activities cheer you up and give you strength? What are you looking forward to when you wake up in the morning? Try to devote more time to this, both for the sake of your general well-being, and in order to be distracted and think less about the injustice that you have experienced. Focus on all the positive things in life now and in the future.
About the Expert: Rachel Finzi is a psychotherapist based at the University of California, Los Angeles.