15 ways to deal with anger

Sometimes we think that being angry is bad. This is not true. Anger is a natural reaction when we feel threatened. In this state, the heart begins to beat faster, the face turns pale or flushed, breathing quickens. From an evolutionary point of view, such reactions prepare the body to fight off a predator or to immediately escape.

But this coin also has a downside: too much energy is wasted on anger. The tension it causes can destroy the body. Excessive aggression, both expressed and suppressed, increases the risk of cardiovascular disease. Plus, it’s hard to think clearly when your mind is clouded by rage and your adrenaline is running high. Here are some tips to help you manage your anger without hurting yourself.

1. Admit you are angry

The first step is awareness. Acknowledge your feelings. Some of us find it easier to separate ourselves from anger, emotionally distance ourselves, and not identify with it. You are not the embodiment of anger.

2. Breathe from the diaphragm, slowly and deeply

Anger provokes a state of autonomic arousal, deep breathing helps to neutralize it. Exhalations should be longer than inhalations.

3. Ask yourself what threatens you

What is at risk: your body, personal or professional relationships, financial condition or self-esteem? Are you at risk right now? If yes, act now. Take care of yourself.

4. Don’t jump to conclusions

Perhaps the colleague who didn’t greet you was deep in thought or feeling unwell. Try not to jump to conclusions like “he doesn’t like me” or “nobody likes me”. It is better to ask a colleague how he is doing now or later.

5. Redefine expectations

Often we live with unrealistic expectations and don’t even realize it. But how can everything turn out just the way we want?

We dream of a harmonious life, but reality is full of obstacles. It is time to finally admit that we will have to face difficulties every now and then, and then when we meet with them, anger will not flare up with such force.

Drop thoughts like “he shouldn’t have done this” and categorical statements like “always” or “never”. Usually such judgments are subjective and erroneous.

Let’s say you hate being stuck in traffic. This is understandable – who likes to sit in a car for hours, moving at a speed of eight kilometers per hour? But what do you usually say to yourself in such cases? What shouldn’t be? That other drivers are idiots? It only fuels anger.

Look at the situation from the other side: “Well, this is an integral part of living in a big city” or “But I can listen to an audiobook.” Most likely, your anger will subside.

6. Learn to Apply Cognitive Restructuring

Do not exclaim: “This is terrible, I can not stand it!” Try saying, “Yes, it’s annoying, but I can fix this problem.” These two approaches give completely different results.

Try not to dramatize the situation, do not think that someone wishes you harm. Understand the difference between a desire and a demand. When talking to others or to yourself, use the phrases “I would like” or “I would prefer” instead of “I insist” and “you must.”

7. Ask yourself what your anger is based on.

Anger makes us feel “strong” and “tough”, but it’s not easy to show vulnerability. But by analyzing your pain, you can better understand yourself. Anger often masks other emotions, such as sadness or fear.

8. Don’t use anger as motivation

It is believed that anger should be released, but this is a mistake. In this way, you can influence the behavior of others, but such changes will not last long. Who likes to be bullied?

9. Practice self-compassion

Admit to yourself that you are experiencing uncomfortable feelings. This experience is somehow familiar to all people on the planet. Being aware of this fact will help you deal with your anger without hurting yourself or others. Your emotions should not control your actions.

10. Move

Take up running, Nordic walking or yoga. This will help lower the levels of hormones that cause stress and anger, and increase serotonin and dopamine levels, which will improve your mood.

11. Talk to a close friend

A person who knows you well can look at the situation differently and help you do the same.

12. Be aware of your feelings and needs

When expressing feelings, use “I-statements”. Don’t criticize or blame others. Try to take feedback from others without becoming defensive or argumentative.

13. Focus on the solution

Once you have realized that you are angry and understand why you feel threatened, focus on finding solutions to the problem. So you direct your energy in a peaceful direction.

14. Use anger as a clue

Before, my father and I often got into heated discussions. When my mother asked: “Why are you swearing again?”, Father answered: “We don’t swear, we are just passionate!” We expressed our emotions without anger and resentment.

What hurts you can tell you exactly how you could be of benefit to the world. Are you upset by the situation with homeless animals? Help a dog shelter. Outraged by the situation of the poor? Become a volunteer at a social assistance center.

15. Practice Mindfulness

Don’t judge yourself for being angry – that will only make you more irritable and exacerbate the problem. Try to accept the fact that you are angry. Don’t let anger control your actions, but don’t deny it either. Admit anger and refrain from judgment. Your goal is to understand what’s going on. You can then use the tips above to mobilize, focus, and channel your anger in a constructive way.

Anger itself is not bad, but we must be able to control it so that it does not poison our lives and relationships with others.

About the author: Rachel Finzi is a psychotherapist at the University of California, Los Angeles.