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We want the best for our children. We want to be frank with them, but sometimes our frankness can harm them. We want to give them freedom, but we forget to set boundaries. Experts working with children are sure that some mistakes can cause great harm to a child’s soul and even safety.
Everything parents say and do affects their children in one way or another. Professionals working with children and families answer the question: “What should parents never do with children?” And each of them looks at it differently.
“Be not a friend to your child, but a parent”
Matthew Bates, teacher
I have over 10 years of teaching experience behind me. And based on my experience, I can say that the most harmful thing that parents do for their children is not to track their online activity. I have seen parents who, upon learning that their child says obscene things to classmates or simply falls asleep in class, shrugged their shoulders: “We knew that his laptop was working in his room all night … But what can we do?”
My answer: be a child not a friend, but a parent. Take your laptop and phone. Turn off Wi-Fi at night. It’s not that hard. My students in their essays write about their virtual suitors, whom they have never seen in their lives. When parents find out about this, they are shocked, but at the same time they say that they “respect the privacy of the child.”
Will you still adhere to this principle if you find that your child, who is not yet 12 years old, is having a virtual romance with a stranger?
If a parent leaves a gun unattended and a child gets to it, people blame the parents for keeping a loaded gun in the house and not following safety precautions. The same logic should apply to parents who make no even rudimentary attempts to control their child’s online exploits.
“Children need to know that their parents love each other”
Esther Finzi, family counselor
Here are four rules to keep in mind when talking to a child of any age. Some information can affect his self-esteem, and the consequences are very difficult to correct without therapy.
1. Don’t tell your child you didn’t plan it. If a child finds out that he was not expected, not wanted, he may feel unloved, unwanted, rejected, worthless. And this knowledge will be reflected in all his life. It is likely that he will find it difficult to communicate, make friends, and even build close relationships with romantic partners.
You may have already told your child that he “came out by accident.” But it’s never too late to explain: “Yes, we didn’t plan children then, but when you were born, we loved you with all our hearts. You have become the whole world for us.”
2. Do not tell children about financial problems. If you and your partner are having money problems, I would not recommend discussing them with your child unless absolutely necessary. Children cannot understand you and even more so they cannot help you. If children know about your financial troubles, they may feel like a burden. Therefore, I would advise discussing such issues exclusively behind closed doors.
3. Do not discuss relationships with your partner with your children. I would not advise you to discuss your relationship with your partner too frankly with your child. Children need to know that their parents love each other. It’s so nice to understand that you have a strong family, that you live in an atmosphere of support and acceptance. Nevertheless, children do not need intimate details at all. The child is not yet mature enough to understand some “adult” things.
4. Never call your child names. This can lead to low self-esteem. If you want to criticize a child, evaluate his actions, not his character or personality. Instead of: “How can you be so crooked” say: “You should not have done this …”, “Your actions hurt people.”
“Children can benefit from learning to take responsibility for their own choices.”
Marcia Sirota, psychotherapist
Children need to feel loved, important to their parents, and protected. They need guidance and boundaries in order to adopt family values and rules of conduct.
In addition, it is useful for children to learn to take responsibility for their own choices, to cope with troubles. But sometimes parents destroy the psyche of the child with their behavior and words. To prevent this from happening to you, in no case:
- Do not neglect the child, do not make him feel unwanted and unattractive;
- Do not leave the child unprotected, do not let him feel useless and worthless;
- Do not insult children, do not make them feel guilty;
- Don’t make kids feel abandoned. A child who is not needed by his own parents may never understand how to properly handle himself and his desires;
- Do not patronize, do not protect children excessively. Too obsessive care and guardianship cause them anxiety, depression and impotence;
- Do not do too much for and for children. Give them the opportunity to feel confident in their abilities;
- Do not reward the child for every little thing and do not encourage any behavior so that the children do not develop a distorted view of life;
- Do not violate the boundaries of the child so that he learns to respect and love himself;
- Do not use double messages in conversations, otherwise the child may doubt his own ability to see the world;
- Don’t teach your child to hate.
Children are the future. And the task of parents is to take care of them and develop them so that they grow up strong and can realize their dreams. That’s why the above list is useful for anyone who already has a child, and those who are just planning to have children.