What to do if your sex life leaves much to be desired? Separate or live like brother and sister? Psychology professor John Gottman explains that getting your sex life together is easier than you think.
In 2013, entrepreneur Chrisanna Northrup and two leading American sociologists, Pepper Schwartz of Yale University and James Witt of Harvard University, published the results of a massive online study. They observed the lives of 70 people in 24 countries and found that couples who are satisfied with their sex life do things that people who complain about it do not.
John Gottman combined the data from this study with his own research that has accumulated over decades of work and counseling for more than 3 couples. Thanks to this, he was able to highlight 13 things that couples do when they are satisfied with their sex life.
So they are:
1. Every day they say to each other: “I love you,” and they do it sincerely.
2. Passionately kiss.
3. Make romantic surprises for each other.
4. Know what turns a partner on erotically.
5. Express physical affection even in public places.
6. Have fun and spend time together.
7. Embrace.
8. Put sex high on their priority list.
9. Remain good friends.
10. Freely discuss their sex life.
11. They have dates every week.
12. Take romantic trips.
13. Consciously work on relationships.
Thus, these couples express love and affection to each other, strengthen emotional and physical bonds.
And what distinguishes those who complain about their intimate life?
Scientists from the Sloan Center at the University of California at Los Angeles conducted a study of 30 heterosexual couples. Each couple had small children, while both parents worked. The researchers observed the couples, taped their conversations and asked questions. They found out that:
1. Such couples spent very little time together during the week.
2. Men immersed themselves in work, while women concentrated on children.
3. Partners talked only about responsibilities and outstanding cases.
4. Men and women acted as if everything else was more important than their relationship.
5. Partners moved away from each other.
6. People in such couples did not take intentional steps to strengthen the relationship.
It was found that the partners communicated with each other for only 35 minutes a week, most of the conversations were reduced to tasks and assignments.
Conclusion based on research: to improve your sex life, be friends, show your attraction and talk openly about sex. This will help strengthen relationships not only in the bedroom, but also outside of it.
About the author: John Gottman is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and the author of 190 scientific articles and over 40 books (including co-authors).