Contents
- 1. “You’re overreacting”
- 2. “It feels like you’re not yourself”
- 3. “You’re confusing everything”
- 4. “Don’t make it up”
- 5. “You’re paranoid”
- 6. “You just have a bad memory”
- 7. “You always draw the wrong conclusions”
- 8. “Why are you arguing with me all the time?”
- 9. “Why constantly remember the past?”
- 10. “You just need to let it go”
- 11. “I really don’t understand what I did”
- 12. “I didn’t have such problems with other people”
If you trust another person more than yourself, your own eyes and memories, this is a wake-up call. How to understand that manipulation and psychological control are hidden behind someone else’s love and care? The phrases they use will help you identify the gaslighter in your environment.
1. “You’re overreacting”
Translation: “I don’t like that you are so obviously reacting to the pain you’ve been hurt.”
This phrase has many “understudies”: “You are too sensitive”, “Again you are making a drama!”, “Is it worth it to wind up because of a harmless joke?”. All of them are “translated” in approximately the same way: you have no right to react to pain. If a loved one regularly comments on your emotions in this way, you develop learned helplessness. You stop believing that your feelings are meaningful and valuable, that you have the right to change a situation that does not suit you.
Of course, anyone can make a stupid joke or make an inappropriate comment, but a person who is not prone to manipulation is usually ready to admit they were wrong and apologize for their words.
2. “It feels like you’re not yourself”
Translation: “Think carefully before you speak.”
Behind these words lies the unequivocal message that you are better off hiding your true feelings, opinions and attitudes towards the situation. Thus, at the same time, you are reproached for the fact that you, they say, are not able to clearly express your thought – and who is interested in it at all? The interlocutor does not even try to understand you – allegedly because of your tongue-tied tongue.
3. “You’re confusing everything”
Translation: “I have my own picture of the world in my head, and you are trying to change it.”
This phrase is especially convenient for the interlocutor to hide behind if he does not want to take responsibility for the situation that happened or for his behavior. It turns out that he had “the best intentions”, and you again “understood everything wrong.”
4. “Don’t make it up”
Translation: “I will decide what was and what was not.”
Even worse – “I never said that.” It seems that they are trying to convince you that you should not trust yourself and your perception of reality. From now on, it is as only one person sees it, and that person is not you. If the interlocutor does not want to deal with something, he will simply pretend that this does not exist and never happened.
5. “You’re paranoid”
Translation: “You see something bad that I don’t want to see.”
So the interlocutor can respond to every “alarm bell” and “red flag” that you manage to notice. It allegedly does not exist, and you are simply “winding yourself out of the blue.” In reality, paranoia manifests itself in obsessive thoughts, which a person is not able to control. If you are not looking everywhere for confirmation of your innocence, but involuntarily notice inconsistencies, this is clearly not your case.
6. “You just have a bad memory”
Translation: “You should not trust your own mind.”
Often this phrase sounds in the context of “We already talked about this. Don’t you remember?” Not only are you “mixed up” right now, according to the interlocutor, your memory is generally unreliable and regularly fails you. Which means she can’t be trusted. In this case, your doubts and insecurities are used against you.
7. “You always draw the wrong conclusions”
Translation: “Do not trust your mental faculties.”
The closest relative of the phrase “Again you got it all wrong.” Firstly, you are again reproached for having some kind of “global system problem” with you. Secondly, they lead you to the idea that you should trust the judgment of the interlocutor, and not your own. After all, even if you notice something, you will surely perceive everything “wrong”.
8. “Why are you arguing with me all the time?”
Translation: “You break the harmony of my legend.”
A gaslighter will lash out at you every time you catch him lying, inconsistent, or hearing alarm bells.
9. “Why constantly remember the past?”
Translation: “I don’t want you to notice a pattern in what is happening.”
The manipulator does not like it when the victim mentally returns to the past – the risk is too great that sooner or later she will be able to recognize repeating scenarios. The house of cards will collapse and the web of lies will break, which the gaslighter cannot allow.
10. “You just need to let it go”
Translation: “Here I decide what is important and what is not.”
So much like the classic “Don’t get hung up on the little things,” right? The manipulator arrogates to itself the right to decide what you need to remember and what you should forget. So, by calling to “let go” of the situation, he convinces you that your feelings are not important.
11. “I really don’t understand what I did”
Translation: “And I will repeat this over and over again until your accusations start to sound stupid.”
This is an extremely subtle and sophisticated form of gaslighting, as the manipulator pretends to be the injured party. Because of this reaction, sooner or later you may begin to think that you are really attacking a person in vain.
12. “I didn’t have such problems with other people”
Translation: There is clearly something wrong with you. Others won’t understand you.”
Alternative phrases are “Normal people don’t feel like this”, “No one thinks like that”. Speaking in this way, the manipulator drives you a little crazy, making you doubt that you “fit in” with reality. In addition, it isolates you from others – you have been told that no one will understand you, which means that you should not even try to talk to someone.
What to do with it?
You probably already realized that the manipulator is doing a great job to get what they want – to gain control over you. He will never allow the illusory reality created for you to collapse, which means that it will not be easy to free yourself from his spell. But the good news is that instincts are not so easily silenced and destroyed.
Even if you have not listened to your inner voice for many years, it is still with you and is waiting in the wings to be heard. Even though you have been taught for a long time not to believe your eyes, they still see what is happening around. So the conclusion is simple: turn to your feelings and try to understand what exactly they are trying to convey to you.