Contents
- 1. How often do you need to be alone?
- 2. If you won a large sum, how would you spend it?
- 3. What are you most afraid of – that you will be abandoned or “strangled with love”?
- 4. How do you plan to help your parents when they get old?
- 5. How do you prefer to resolve conflict situations?
- 6. Are you ready to be faithful only to me?
- 7. What do you consider cheating?
- 8. What role will relatives play in the relationship?
- 9. What will you do if I quarrel with one of your family members?
- 10. What comes first – business or leisure?
- 11. What do you see as the purpose of life and what place is assigned to a partner in it?
- 12. What turns you on in sex?
Questions like “do you want children” and “will we have a joint budget” already lie on the surface. What else needs to be discussed with the person with whom you are going to connect life?
1. How often do you need to be alone?
Ryan Howes, psychologist
At the beginning of a relationship, partners usually want to be together all the time, but often this does not at all reflect their real need for privacy. When you first fall in love, it’s easy to give up your usual Saturday morning coffee and interesting book, but once your raging hormones calm down a bit, you may want to spend part of the weekend alone again.
To avoid possible offense, it is worth discussing in advance how often each of you wants to be alone or in the company of friends. Explain to your partner that the need for privacy does not mean that you reject it. It just helps you regain energy.
2. If you won a large sum, how would you spend it?
At the beginning of a relationship, partners almost never talk about money, but in the long run, financial issues can become a stumbling block.
If you’re frugal and prudent, you’ll probably prefer to hear the answer “Let’s save this money for the down payment on the mortgage” rather than “Let’s go travel and have fun.” The question will help you understand how different your financial plans are and whether these differences will lead to the collapse of the relationship in the future.
3. What are you most afraid of – that you will be abandoned or “strangled with love”?
Celeste Hirschman, sexologist
The question will help you understand what type of attachment you both have in the relationship, such as anxious or avoidant. By understanding this, you will realize why you have different needs, and stop taking these differences as personal insults.
4. How do you plan to help your parents when they get old?
Laura Heck, family therapist
Today, many are at risk of being “sandwiched” between elderly parents and young children, providing for both. How do you plan to support your aging parents? Will you support them financially? Settled in a small room? Or would you rather have them live in a comfortable nursing home?
Many fateful decisions depend on the wishes – in which country you will live, how big a house or apartment you will buy, how you will manage your funds and provide a pension. When it comes to caring for aging parents, many are not ready to compromise, so these plans should be discussed early in the relationship.
5. How do you prefer to resolve conflict situations?
Vikki Stark, psychotherapist
In many couples, partners approach this issue differently. One wants to sort things out until a solution is found. The second, at such moments, is emotionally overwhelmed and unable to think – he needs to be alone and reflect on what is happening.
As a result, the first is offended that he is not given due attention, and the second cannot cope with his emotions. If the partners at the beginning of the relationship understand what pattern their conflicts develop, they will be able to save themselves a headache in the future.
6. Are you ready to be faithful only to me?
It often seems to us that there is only one acceptable relationship option, but in fact there are many. If you don’t ask if your partner is ready to stick to monogamy in a relationship, then later it can turn into unpleasant surprises, serious insults and broken vows. If you want an honest answer, try to ask this question without being critical or judgmental. Otherwise, he or she is unlikely to dare to answer frankly.
7. What do you consider cheating?
Ryan Howes, psychologist
Nobody wants to talk about it, especially if there are no problems brewing on the horizon. But still it is worth understanding what exactly everyone considers a violation of fidelity to each other.
Is it possible to correspond or communicate with other potential partners? Go out to dinner with someone? Or to a bar? What won’t cause concern? Is it possible to communicate with former partners? By setting the boundaries of what is acceptable from the very beginning, you will save yourself many problems in the future.
8. What role will relatives play in the relationship?
Ryan Howes, psychologist
At the beginning of a relationship, we crave to please the partner’s relatives, so we try to please and leave a good impression of ourselves. Usually we do not think about how much time and effort we will have to spend on communicating with them in the future and what place they will occupy in our relationship.
Discuss how much time you and your partner plan to spend with relatives and how much they can influence your relationship. This way you will know in advance what to expect.
9. What will you do if I quarrel with one of your family members?
Aaron Anderson, family therapist
Although you marry or marry a loved one, this does not mean that you will always get along with his relatives. It is important to know what your partner will do if you have a conflict with one of his family members.
It is important to understand how close relations he has with relatives, whether he is able to calmly deal with discord in the family and whether he is ready to support you if a family quarrel breaks out. Compare your ideas about family values to see how they match.
10. What comes first – business or leisure?
Vikki Stark, psychotherapist
In many couples, conflicts often flare up about this. One will not relax until things are finished, while the other puts off household chores, but always finds time for entertainment. If you discuss this in advance, you can find a compromise. For example, alternate: one week do everything the way you like, and the other – the way your partner prefers.
11. What do you see as the purpose of life and what place is assigned to a partner in it?
Laura Heck, family therapist
It is usually difficult for us to answer this question, but it is useful for couples to reflect on this together. In the depths of our souls, we know the real goal and remember it, despite the daily hustle and bustle. She motivates and inspires, fills with energy. When we manage to live according to purpose, everything goes smoothly and naturally.
In a healthy relationship, partners respect each other’s life goals and provide mutual support along the way to achieve them. Conversely, if you have to sacrifice your life mission for the sake of relationships, over time, resentment and discontent will appear inside. It is best to ask this question every year, but think not about the global goal, but the goal of this life stage.
12. What turns you on in sex?
Celeste Hirschman, sexologist
Often, partners live together for years without ever knowing about each other’s desires and sexual fantasies. Don’t wait until the desire starts to fade before finding out what your partner really wants in bed.