12 characteristics of people who violate other people’s boundaries

Developing and maintaining relationships is one of the most difficult tasks. Relationships always turn out to be more complicated than we would like. They are complicated by a variety of factors: emotional, behavioral, social, psychological and even genetic.

If you have an unhealthy relationship with a person who is emotionally unstable or uses psychological violence, the only way out is to stop communicating. Here are a few characteristics of people who tend to violate boundaries.

1. They rush, creating the illusion of urgency

A favorite technique of manipulators is to suggest that something urgently needs to be done or decided. Shops also use this method, trying to get us to buy something without thinking about the decision. The goal is to speed up the selection process and provoke impulsive, thoughtless actions.

2. Surrounded by attention

They seem to think about you all the time, but that shouldn’t be flattering. This only happens because you are useful to them in some way. You are not appreciated, not respected, but simply used. I once counseled a young woman whose neighbor constantly left her notes with best wishes, cleared snow from her yard, gave her a ride to school, and even cooked her lunch. It was very kind of her, but one day she asked if my client could help her care for her dying mother. She replied that, unfortunately, she could not, and named objective reasons, after which the attitude towards her deteriorated sharply.

3. Don’t care about your feelings

Selfish people who use you do not think about your interests. They constantly try to confuse, forcing them to doubt their perception of reality and adequacy. Often they ignore all your attempts to reach them, refuse to answer questions and talk, trying to control you. Such behavior is a form of psychological abuse.

4. They don’t care about your health and safety.

Such people do not think about whether their behavior harms you. For example, a colleague may ask you to lie to your boss to get him out of harm’s way, knowing that lying could cost you your job. A relative may ask you to support him in a conflict, while he is not embarrassed that you yourself can suffer.

5. They try to involve you in their business.

They are incapable of going about their business without involving you. A few years ago I was contacted by one of the directors of a law firm who had worked there for 25 years. He could not understand why a powerful colleague would not leave him alone, although he had made it clear that he did not want to work with him on a client’s case. Moreover, the colleague began to behave aggressively, spoke impartially about my client in front of other colleagues. Once said “no” led to psychological abuse that lasted for years.

6. They don’t respect the need for privacy.

You have every right to privacy and privacy. Stay away from those who are unable to understand it. The fact that they do not respect the two most important human needs says a lot about their value system.

7. They slowly wear you down.

Often such people act quite subtly, from time to time reminding them of what they need until you give up. They say and do the same things, gradually loosening your boundaries and getting on your nerves. If starvation fails, coercion, intimidation, and fraud are used.

8. They think that everything is allowed to them.

It is extremely difficult to get along and communicate with someone who believes that he can do everything and everyone around him owes something to him. He is incapable of speaking with others on an equal footing. You will constantly have the feeling that you are being used, belittled. It is important to make it clear that you will not tolerate this kind of attitude.

9. Constantly checking you

Often they refuse to discuss something with you, do not want to maintain honest and equal relations, ignore your needs in favor of their own. Checking can take the form of manipulation: the egoist wants to understand how far you will allow him to go. This will repeat.

10. They plot behind your back.

They seek to control you and always be aware of the details of your life, without telling anything about their own.

11. They seem to suffer from a split personality.

Everyone has good and bad days, we change with age, facing new difficulties and gaining experience. But communicating with someone who constantly changes attitudes and behaviors is difficult. Instability often leads to the violation of foreign borders.

It often seems from the outside that such people themselves do not understand what they want, are not sure of their own decisions, and doubt their emotions. Perhaps this is so, but they still manipulate you, forcing you to be on your guard all the time, because you do not know what to expect from them.

12. Engage in emotional and psychological manipulation

When such a person fails to get something from you, emotional manipulation is used. In addition to silent ignorance, such people often resort to lies, demonstrate emotions that are opposite to those they experience.

Did you recognize someone from your friends, colleagues and relatives in the description? How important is your relationship with him to you? Perhaps it’s time to increase the distance for your own good.

About the Author: Tamara Hill is a psychotherapist specializing in emotional trauma.