Parents know that for newborns, crying is the main way to communicate. But it still seems like something urgently needs to be “fixed”. When he grows up a little, adults expect him to be better at handling emotions now. This is not true. How to respond correctly and how to calm the child, said the positive psychologist Renee Jain.
Scientific research shows that the brain is biologically programmed to respond instantly to children’s crying. The fight-or-flight response is activated, the heart rate increases, and we are ready for action, even if the child is not ours.
In this way, children under three years old express any emotions – not just sadness or discontent. They can also cry because of anger, fear, interest, misunderstanding, anxiety, and even joy. They still do not speak well enough and are poorly aware of what is happening to them. So they can’t always explain what happened. How to react when a baby cries? A few tips.
Don’t say, “Don’t cry!”
Often adults think that if the child stops crying, he will feel better. In fact, phrases like “Stop crying” make it clear that you do not take seriously his experiences, do not understand how he feels. And his message will become even louder and more importunate.
The task of parents is to help the baby learn to regulate emotions, to cope with them in a more positive way. To do this, you need to treat the child with sympathy and understanding.
Don’t try to distract him
Many believe that the most effective way to calm a child is to switch his attention away from what provoked tears. Who hasn’t waved a child’s favorite toy in front of their tear-stained face or desperately hummed their favorite song? But in this way we lose the opportunity to strengthen our connection with him and teach him to cope with his experiences.
Yes, if a child fights with a peer over a toy, it is right to distract him with another toy. But if the baby is crying because the mother helped him put on his shoes and did not let him do it himself, trying to switch his attention will only lead to the fact that he will cry even louder and more desperately. So he tries to be heard.
What to say?
First of all, calm down yourself. If you are angry, unhappy, or stressed, your words will only further upset the child. Take a couple of deep breaths, be aware of your feelings, pay attention to bodily sensations – palpitations, clenched jaws, tension … When you feel relieved, help the child calm down. Here’s what to say.
1. “I’m with you. I will help”
Even if the child assures that he does not need your help, he wants to know that you will always support him if necessary.
2. “I see that it’s hard for you”
This simple phrase will show the child that you are not ignoring him, but you can see and hear perfectly.
3. “I understand that you are sad (disappointed, scared, happy). This is fine”
Remind him that it is living emotions that make us human.
4. “It was very unpleasant (hard, sad)”
When you pay attention to the event that triggered the tears, you and the child are helping to understand the cause of his emotions and understand what to do next.
5. “Let’s take a break”
If you both distance yourself a little from the situation that caused the tears, you will help the child understand that sometimes it is worth “stepping aside” in order to calm down and collect yourself. Perhaps he is tired or overexcited and just needs some peace and quiet.
6. “I love you. You are safe”
Often it is important for a child that you hug him or hold his hands. This will make him feel that you really want to help him.
7. “Do you need help?/Do you want a break?/Do you want to try again?”
If the child is worried that something is not working out for him, he needs to either take a little break from the emotional stress, or try again – this time with a little help from adults. It is important to ask him what exactly he wants now. Do not order or decide for him. So you will give him confidence, help him feel his importance and significance.
8. “I hear you crying, but I don’t know what you need. Can you help me figure it out?”
Even if the child cannot immediately formulate what is bothering him, you give him the opportunity to learn this.
9. “I remember how you then…”
This may seem like a switch of attention, but it’s a little different. Remind your child of a time when they felt joyful and happy. By doing so, you will help him learn to think more rationally.
Don’t try to appeal to the mind of an overexcited child – it’s like negotiating with a little dictator. He is not ready to listen to your arguments when he is completely absorbed in feelings – be it helplessness, anger, sadness or fatigue.
10. “Let’s think of something together”
It is very important that over time the child learns to solve some problems on his own. If you show him how to deal with emotions, you will help him learn to look at the situation more objectively and find solutions on his own.
11. Silently show love and support.
Be a support for the child, a source of strength and sympathy.
About the Developer
Rene Jane (Renee Jain) is a positive psychologist. Her .