11 traps that we constantly fall into

The reason should be looked for in yourself and your childhood, according to American psychotherapists Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko, authors of the book Get Out of the Vicious Circle! (Eksmo, 2019). We carry the developed algorithms of reactions and behavior into adulthood, and each time we meet with 11 traps: rebellion, rejection, distrust and abuse, emotional deprivation, dependence, vulnerability and others.

Trapping Therapy, created by Yang and Klosko, addresses eleven of the most devastating problems they face in their daily psychotherapeutic practice. How to understand that you fell into one of the traps? If you answered yes to the following questions, you should take a closer look at your own behavioral mechanisms:

• Do you constantly enter into relationships with those who treat you with indifference?
• Do you have some defect that makes it impossible to love and accept you?
• Are other people’s needs more important than your own, and you don’t really know what you need?
• Are you afraid that something bad will happen to you, and even a banal cold scares you with dire consequences?
• Do you feel unhappy, unworthy, despite praise and approval?

There are many traps, but the most common are 11. The constant reproduction of the pain experienced in childhood is one of the postulates put forward by Sigmund Freud. Children of alcoholics choose alcoholics as partners. An abused child will seek out abusive partners or become an abuser himself. Among sex workers, there are many who were sexually harassed during childhood and adolescence. The one who was constantly controlled by adults begins to unquestioningly obey others.

Almost all people, Yang and Klosko believe, reproduce negative behavior by destroying themselves. A trap is a way to reproduce. In other words, a schema: it is a deeply ingrained belief about oneself and the world, learned in childhood. This perception of ourselves calms us, even if it causes harm. The paradox is that early beliefs give us predictability and certainty, they are comfortable and familiar.

Trap 1. Rejection: “Don’t leave me!”

How does it manifest: you feel that the people you love are bound to leave you sooner or later, and you will remain emotionally isolated forever. Relatives will die, leave home for bread and never return. Or they will prefer someone else to you. Therefore, you cling with all your might to loved ones, but this only pushes them away from you. Even a short separation makes you angry and upset.

Origins: in childhood, you lost a loved one (he fell ill and went to the hospital for a long time, died, left). You have experienced a divorce from your parents. Or you were constantly left alone, for example, by parents who were alcohol or drug users, and you were waiting for them.

Trap 2: Distrust and abuse: “I don’t trust you”

How does it manifest: you are always waiting for someone to offend or harm you, change, deceive, humiliate, hit, or somehow use you. Your defense is mistrust and suspicion. You question everything and don’t let anyone near. You either avoid close relationships, or get involved with those who treat you badly and then get mad at them for it.

Origins: someone close to you abused you as a child. You have been raped or sexually touched. You have been humiliated and criticized (verbal abuse).

Trap 3. Emotional deprivation: “I will never be loved”

How does it manifest: you believe that others will never be able to satisfy your need for love. Nobody cares about you and nobody understands. You are drawn to cold and indifferent people who every time let you see this. And you feel betrayed and then angry, then you suffer from pain and loneliness.

Origins: you had a cold and unkind mother. You are a “missed” child. You didn’t get enough attention from your mother, you didn’t have a connection with her. You were not comforted as a child and taught to do it yourself.

Trap 4. Exclusion from society: “I’m not like everyone else”

How does it manifest: it seems to you that you are isolated from the rest of the world, you feel different. You may feel ugly, unsexy, boring. You avoid companies and communication. You act like you’re worse than others. At parties, at work, in groups, you feel lonely and anxious.

Origins: you were probably rejected by your peers as a child. You had no friends, and some special trait made you different from others.

Trap 5. Addiction: “I can’t do it myself”

How does it manifest: you feel unable to cope with daily life without help. You cannot live without others and rely on them like crutches. You are always looking for strong people who you can rely on and hand over your life to them. At work, you avoid taking responsibility and doing things on your own.

Origins: as a child you tried to assert your independence, but you were made to feel helpless.

Trap 6. Vulnerability: “I’m about to get into trouble”

How does it manifest: you live in fear that a catastrophe is about to happen – natural, criminal, medical, financial. Your fears are huge and unrealistic. You may be afraid of disease, insanity, fire, default, poverty, or flying.

Origins: you were taught as a child that the world is a dangerous place. Perhaps your parents were overprotective of you.

Trap 7. Inferiority: “I’m no good”

How does it manifest: you feel at a deep level that you have flaws and shortcomings. You are sure that if someone approaches you, he will not be able to love you – your inferiority will come out. You find it hard to believe that those close to you appreciate you, and you always expect to be pushed away.

Origins: as a child you did not feel that you were respected, you were criticized.

Trap 8. Failure: “I feel like a failure”

How does it manifest: you are sure that you have not achieved anything compared to your peers: neither at school, nor at work, nor in sports. You exaggerate your failures, acting as if they are continuing.

Origins: as a child, your achievements were downplayed. You were called stupid, mediocre, lazy.

Trap 9. Submission: “I do everything your way.”

How does it manifest: you sacrifice your own needs and desires for the desires of others. Allowing someone to control you, either doing it out of guilt for doing it. that you hurt others when you choose yourself, or for fear of being punished or abandoned. You form relationships with people who dominate and overwhelm you, or with those who are unable to give you anything in return.

Origins: probably, in childhood, a loved one (most likely a parent) subdued you.

Trap 10. High standards: “You can always do better”

How does it manifest: you set the bar very high and try your best not to be disappointed in yourself. You place particular emphasis on status, money, achievement, appearance, order, and recognition. For you, they are more important than happiness, joy, pleasure from the work done and full-fledged relationships.

Origins: in childhood, they expected the best results from you, they taught that everything else is a failure. And you have learned that all your actions are not good enough.

Trap 11. Chosenness: “I get everything I want”

How does it manifest: you feel special. You are sure that you have the right to do, say or receive whatever you want. You reject what takes time and patience, and the price that other people have to pay for your whims.

Origins: you were spoiled as a child and you didn’t know the word no. You have not been taught to control yourself and respect the limits.

How to get rid of the trap?

Young and Klosko suggest doing this in three steps.

Step 1: define your trap. For example, your lifetrap is rejection. You have connected your life with a man who periodically leaves you. Stable men are boring to you. Just like you were once abandoned by a mother who paid little attention, or a father who created a new family. Your trap is that “all the people you love leave.”

Step 2: feel the wounded child inside you and soothe him.

Step 3: build intellectual protection – for example, start to doubt the trap.

Here you need to say to yourself: “I can stop clinging to this man and learn to relax in solitude. And not everyone leaves me: with my sister / girlfriend we are close all our lives. There can be many such arguments against the trap. It is better to write them down in a “rejection card” that you should carry with you, and from time to time peep into the cheat sheet.