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Many people are probably familiar with people who constantly complain about life, but at the same time do not want to change anything, believing that others are to blame for everything. This is typical victim behavior, explains counseling psychologist Christine Hammond, and is given away by several telltale signs.
It was ironic that Max was stuck in the mindset of the victim. Outwardly, he was absolutely not like a person to whom this is characteristic. Educated, has a family and a successful coaching career. But recently, relations with his wife have deteriorated, the children have ceased to obey, a few friends have drifted away, and their favorite work has become disgusting. He was experiencing severe stress and came to the consultation in the hope of finding a way out.
Despite the fact that the psychologist told him ways to solve the problem, Max refused to change. In addition, he was unwilling to admit that distorted thinking prevented him from communicating normally, working and living a full life. Most notably, he still «helped» his clients deal with the same false beliefs.
No one is immune from victim thinking. Unresolved problems and growing stress, coupled with the inability to overcome life’s difficulties, often drive a person into a trap. In general, Max agreed that he was confused, but denied that he had developed victim syndrome, challenging every argument.
It’s convenient to be a victim. No self-criticism and responsibility, no need to be ashamed of your weaknesses and control your actions
The man argued that he had no unresolved problems, although he was terribly nervous when this was mentioned. He claimed to control stress, but it was clear that he did not know how to manage anger. He swore that he would not care about any difficulties, but if that were the case, he would not be sitting in a psychologist’s office right now. In fact, Max’s reality has become so distorted that he has completely lost the ability to introspect.
After several sessions, it turned out that Max did not want to part with the role of the victim. Why does it happen? The fact is that being in this state is in some sense convenient. No self-criticism and responsibility, no need to be ashamed of your weaknesses and control your actions. But you can remain helpless and do not change anything. Even if Max managed to move forward, he always found obstacles. During the sessions, he came up with eleven beliefs that confirmed that his mind was indeed captured by the image of the victim.
1.Complaints
«This stress is killing me, I’m completely exhausted.» Max had a long list of complaints about fate. Good things happened too, but he preferred to revel in suffering. Meanwhile, the ability to notice the positive side of life helps to cope with discouragement.
2.Isolation
«No one understands me, no one sympathizes, not even you.» This was perhaps the most shocking statement, since the main goal of the therapist was precisely the manifestation of empathy. But Max was never enough. By withdrawing into himself, he prevented others from approaching and offering support.
3. Catastrophe
«It won’t get better, everything will be the same.» After several encounters, Max drew the worst possible conclusions and became obsessed with victimization. Hope is the antithesis of doom. If Max had even a little hope for a successful outcome, he could move on despite all the difficulties.
4. Cowardice
«Nothing works, there’s no point in trying anything else.» During the sessions, it was obvious that Max had given up. He raised the white flag and stopped fighting. Such moments are very dangerous: when depression worsens, suicidal thoughts often appear.
5. Martyrdom
«Living in stress is my cross.» Oddly enough, Max seemed proud that his stress was so severe, and considered himself a martyr. Martyrs died in the name of higher justice or for the sake of other people. Putting himself in their place, he, as it were, acquired the status of a saint.
6. Controversy
“I just want her to…” This passive-aggressive statement is nothing more than shifting the blame onto someone else. Max assured that everything would be fine as soon as the wife decided to talk about money. The conversation took place, but he again raised the bar and demanded that his wife coordinate all expenses with him. When she refused, he found himself in the position of a sufferer, complaining that his wife did not want to help him.
7. Accusations
«All because of her.» Unfortunately, Max uttered this phrase in the presence of his wife. Instead of sharing responsibility for the state of the family finances, he put all the blame on her. Declared that she took advantage of his weakness, and stuck again.
8. Boredom
“I have something else to tell…” Max could rant for hours without a break. First, he dumped all thoughts and feelings on his wife, and then on a psychotherapist. When they tried to advise him on something, he brushed it off and said that they did not know what they were talking about, because they did not have all the information. This vicious circle frightened off his wife and dragged Max more and more.
9. Generalizations
“It will always be like this, nothing will ever change.” The words «always», «nothing», «never» are overgeneralized. The statement that something «always» happens is not true. There are exceptions. By not acknowledging these exceptions, Max pushed the problems into a corner. Since they are not resolved, one can consider oneself a victim of circumstances.
10. Exaggeration
«I’ve tried everything, I know everything.» It would seem that such arrogance contradicts the thinking of the victim, but it is not. First, the exaggeration is false: no one can «try everything» and «know everything.» Secondly, with his «I tried everything» Max stopped further attempts and refused to look at what was happening from a different angle.
11. Comparisons
“You didn’t experience this, I’m much worse.” Max constantly compared his own coaching experience with that of his psychologist. Of course, his assumptions about her personal life and professional skills were, to put it mildly, inaccurate. Instead of objecting, she noted that these comparisons betray his insecurity and need for self-assertion.
Unfortunately, Max chose a victim mindset and stopped resisting. Victimization stops from the moment of awareness. Then comes the acceptance of responsibility, the willingness to be accountable for one’s actions, and ultimately the desire to change everything that can be changed. Just like in the prayer for peace: «Lord, give me peace to accept what I cannot change, courage to change what I can, and wisdom to distinguish one from the other.» That is what you should strive for.
About the Author: Kristin Hammond is a counseling psychologist, specialist in mental and personality disorders, addictions and codependencies, and author of The Tired Woman’s Guide.