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The initial period of a relationship is a time of romance and pleasant recklessness. But it cannot last forever. How to save relationships at the next stage, when the holiday of passion ends and joint everyday life begins, says clinical psychologist Roni Beth Tower.
No matter how dizzying the beginning of your romance may be, the state of crazy love will inevitably pass. It is replaced by trust, gratitude, feelings of confidence and comfort. But sooner or later, a moment may come when you find that you have not experienced vivid feelings for your partner for a long time. Many couples are going through a similar crisis. Can it be avoided? And if it has already happened, how to get out of the crisis without the help of a psychoanalyst? Here are 10 ways.
1. Appreciate surprises
It’s not about a nice gift for no reason or an unscheduled breakfast in bed. Mark unexpected episodes of the biography, habits and skills of your partner. Did you know that as a child he was the goalkeeper of the school football team? Or that he studied French at university and is still fluent in that language?
It’s so cool to find out that your girlfriend loves mint ice cream or knows how to knit. The new, even small, things you discover about your partner will help you see and appreciate their uniqueness.
2. Accept your partner’s imperfections
Attempts to change a partner have ruined many relationships. Rather, change your attitude towards his or her weaknesses or strange features. If they did not embarrass you at the initial stage of the relationship, then it is quite possible to put up with them. Don’t let the little things ruin the magic of your union.
3. Don’t let external stimuli influence you.
Emotions are just labels that we hang on the chemical processes and reactions in the body. They depend on hormones, biorhythms, seasons, blood chemistry, and so on. Let’s say you just didn’t get enough sleep or got tired at work – and now you’re breaking down on your chosen one.
How to learn to manage emotions? Most people benefit from meditation, yoga, or breathing practices. But you can find your own way: running, volunteer work, art therapy, or something else.
The more you understand how your partner feels and thinks, why he or she behaves the way he or she does, the more you trust each other. Don’t hide your fears, weaknesses, or embarrassing biography facts. Let your feelings have no barriers.
5. Dream about the future
Talk about the future, discuss dreams and plans. Support your partner in even the most, at first glance, insane endeavors. Let’s say he wants to go diving, and you’ve never been attracted to the ocean floor. Do not state categorically that you consider this undertaking a waste of time. Don’t talk your partner out of making your dream come true. It’s just selfish. Better think about where you will go diving and tell how you will support it from the shore.
6. Touch each other
Touch is an exchange of energy. Therefore, put all your love and care into them. Touch doesn’t have to be sexual. They can just tell you how good and calm you are together. After all, tactile contact transmits information no worse than speech and also stimulates the production of the so-called “attachment hormone” oxytocin.
You must have common interests and activities. And it’s not about kids, mortgages, or shopping. Let it be something pleasant for the soul. For example, cooking classes, training on a climbing wall or a pottery master class. Shared experiences will provide new topics for conversation and strengthen relationships.
8. Control jealousy
The cause of this feeling may not necessarily be another person. You can be jealous of work, hobbies, children and friends. Jealousy is destructive and selfish. Beware of her. And immediately discuss it with your partner. Only without claims and insults. Maybe he started spending more time at work because he has an important project. Or he should support a friend who is facing personal difficulties.
9. Show care
Medieval knights showed their love for beautiful ladies, guarding their peace and protecting them from dangers. Modern lovers have much more opportunities. Prepare a romantic breakfast or dinner, take a broken bracelet to be repaired, help hang curtains, meet you late at night from work, do household chores…
10. Don’t think you know everything.
Many people make the mistake of thinking that they have studied their partner thoroughly and can predict his actions in any situation, that he will not change and will not be able to surprise anyone. This is fundamentally wrong. Every person is a mystery, and everyone has the power to become the best version of themselves. Perhaps he needs your support for a change or a decisive step?
About the Author: Roni Beth Tower is a clinical psychologist at Columbia University.
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