How to talk to the interlocutor, win him over, call him to a frank conversation? Our experts speak.
It’s nice to be treated well! With some people it is possible to establish warm relations quickly and easily. But there are those with whom the conversation does not stick. How to talk to the interlocutor? We invited psychologists Vadim Petrovsky and Elena Stankovskaya to the editorial office and asked them to share their thoughts on how it is easier to establish contact with another person.
1. Tell about yourself. If the interlocutor, as it seems to you, is not ready for a conversation, does not answer questions or answers in monosyllables, you can start talking about extraneous topics, talk about what worries you at that moment … and within this narrative there will be a space for communication.
2. Ask an unexpected question. Give the interlocutor the opportunity to look at the topic of your discussion in a new way – surprise will open up an opportunity for dialogue. Journalist Valery Agranovsky in one of his books told how, trying to interview a taciturn specialist about his work, he asked his interlocutor how many steps he takes per shift.
The question awakened his curiosity and became the starting point for a fascinating conversation.
Another time he had to do an interview with the physicist Flerov, who asked questions to be sent in advance – but ready-made answers would not give the feeling of a lively conversation. And so, having come to a meeting with Flerov, Agranovsky saw diagrams on the board and asked why atoms are always drawn in rounds, and not in rhombuses, for example. The physicist thought – why, really? The question awakened his curiosity and became the starting point for a fascinating conversation.
3. Show attention to the interlocutor. While he speaks, nod, use encouraging statements: “yes, yes,” “uh-huh,” “really, so.” Do not look away for a long time, look in the direction of the interlocutor, but not necessarily directly into the eyes – some perceive a too direct and intent look as an expression of distrust.
4. Raise the self-esteem of the interlocutor. The following phrases will help with this: “How interesting”, “Yes, now I begin to understand.” Sometimes it is useful to ask again: “Excuse me, what did you say? It is very important!” Repeat especially significant statements of the interlocutor, adding to them: “This is very new information”, “Wait a second, I would like to write this down.”
5. Show your interest in the topic. It happens that the erudition of the interlocutor exceeds yours. In this case, you can ask him to clarify certain points. If at the same time he is a little arrogant, do not immediately admit your ignorance – instead you can say: “Well, well … looking in memory … I can’t restore … but it sounds so interesting! Could you tell me…”
6. Choose an individual style of communication. Try to imagine what is important for the interlocutor, what he would like. And use it. For example: “My friend, having learned that I would meet with you, asked me to find out without fail … My friends will envy me when I tell them that I talked to you … Your loved ones are probably proud that you … “.
One sculptor said to Yuri Gagarin: “Young man, do not turn around – otherwise you will not get into history!”
7. Reflect the feelings of the interlocutor, while maintaining a distance: “It seems that you are excited.” If you think that the interlocutor is experiencing negative emotions, add “as if” and ask again: “It looks as if you were outraged by my ignorance – is it really so?”
8. Talk about your reaction. Watch for feelings and talk about them when appropriate or necessary. With positive emotions, as a rule, there are no difficulties (see paragraph 3). And if you have unpleasant experiences, report it as an observation – from the position of an observer: “You know, I feel some kind of disagreement inside me … a desire to object … This is curious – I want to object to a person with whom I am so interested in talking … “
9. Challenge. Instead of trying to please the other person, make them try to please you. Such an unexpected role reversal can spice up a conversation. An example is the case of defending a dissertation. The speaker finished the main report, and the moment came, which young scientists usually fear most of all – when the presenter says: “And now the questions for the dissertation.”
At that time, as soon as these words of the presenter were heard, the dissertator added: “Only, please, cooler!” The opponents were confused – they were no longer thinking about how to “fill up” him, but about how interesting their questions would turn out to be. The young man turned them into the object of his evaluation.
10. Put “quotes”. In situations where you need to say something unpleasant to the interlocutor or ask a question that he does not want to hear, the method of suspension or intonation quotes helps – you say what you think is necessary, but not on your own behalf. For example: “I would never have asked this question myself, but I was asked to find out …”, “Now is a difficult moment, I don’t want to say this, but the management asked me to pass …” or “Some tactless person could ask in my place …” .
To maintain a friendly atmosphere, you can point out that this unpleasant episode will be taken out of the scope of a confidential conversation: “… And then we will immediately return to our conversation.”