10 tips for XNUMXs from over XNUMXs

A few weeks into his thirtieth birthday, writer and entrepreneur Mark Manson reached out to his blog’s followers over 37 to share their life experiences from their 30s to 40s. Putting all the answers together, Mark has an impressive piece of collective wisdom.

More than 600 people responded to the request, many of whom sent detailed answers to several sheets. Analyzing them, Mark, not without surprise, found that 5-6 tips are heard over and over again by a variety of people and, in one form or another, occur hundreds of times. Apparently, it is these few thoughts that most accurately describe what happens to a person who has exchanged his fourth decade.

Below are the top 10 tips from the 600 letters sent to Mark, mostly in the form of direct quotes. Some indicated their age and name, some wished to remain anonymous.

1. Start saving for old age now, without delay.

“I lived until my 30s without thinking about anything, but after XNUMX you have to make a big financial leap. Retirement savings should not be shelved. You need to learn how to understand how things like insurance, a pension plan and a mortgage work, because now this burden lies on your shoulders.

— Cash, 41

The most important advice that was present in literally every letter sent was to immediately start building your financial well-being in order to start saving for old age.

To do this, readers suggested taking the following actions:

1. Make it your main task to pay off all debts and loans as soon as possible.
2. Create a personal financial «stabilization fund» — thousands of people have become destitute due to health problems, lawsuits, divorces, business problems, etc.
3. Spend part of every paycheck on a fast loan repayment or save it in a savings account.
4. Avoid frivolous purchases. Do not buy a home until you can secure the most affordable loan or mortgage terms for you.
5. Don’t invest in what you don’t understand. Do not trust stock brokers.

One reader wrote: “If your debts exceed 10% of your salary for the year, this should serve as a serious warning to you. Stop spending, pay off your debts, start saving.” Another: “I would like to save more money for a rainy day, because unexpected expenses literally killed my budget. And I would like to pay more attention to my pension savings, because today they are very small for me.”

Some have had big problems in life because of their inability to save after thirty. A reader named Jody wished she had started saving 10% of every paycheck when she was 30. Her career ended up derailing and at 57 she still lives paycheck to paycheck. Another 62-year-old woman also did not make personal savings, as her husband earned more than her. Subsequently, they divorced, and all the money received after the divorce, she was forced to spend on solving sudden health problems. She, too, is still living paycheck to paycheck with the prospect of ending her days in a nursing home. Another reader said that he was forced to live on his son’s money, because. he unexpectedly lost his job during the 2008 crisis with no savings in the account.

They all agree on one thing: start saving money as early as possible and as much as possible. Indicative is the story of a woman in her thirties, with two sons, who worked in a low-skilled job and still managed to save money for a retirement account. Because she started early enough and invested her savings well, at fifty she achieved financial stability for the first time in her life. Her words: “You can achieve anything. You just have to do it.»

2. Start taking care of your health now, without delay

“Your mind thinks it is 10-15 years younger than the actual age of your body. Your health will go faster than you think, and you won’t even notice it.»

— Tom, 55

We all know how to take care of our own health. We know how to eat right, how to sleep right, exercise, and so on down the list. But, as in the case of retirement savings, the opinion of the elders is always unanimous: get healthy and stay healthy in old age. Almost everyone who took part in the survey said this, saying about the same thing — what you do with your body has a cumulative effect. Your body does not suddenly break down one day, it gradually breaks down unnoticed over the years. Over the next 10 years, you should slow down this destruction.

We are not talking about the banal advice «eat more vegetables.» Cancer patients, heart attack and stroke survivors, diabetics and hypertension, people with sore joints and chronic pain, they all say the same thing:

3. Don’t associate with people who treat you badly.

«Learn to say no to people, actions, and commitments that have no value in your life.»

— Hailey, 37

After the calls to take care of your physical and financial health, the most common advice from those in their XNUMXs was quite interesting: they would love to go back in time and put more restrictions on their personal lives so they could spend more time with good people. .

What exactly did they mean?

“Don’t tolerate people who don’t treat you well. Dot. Don’t tolerate them for financial gain. Don’t tolerate them for emotional reasons. Do not tolerate them for the good of your children or your own.”

— Jane, 52

“Keep mediocre people out of friends, work, love, relationships, and life.”

— Sean, 43

Usually, people overcome their own limitations because they find it difficult to hurt other people’s feelings, or they fall into the trap of wanting to change the other person, like them, or make them feel better about themselves. It never works. In fact, it even makes things worse. As one reader wisely remarked: “Egoism and self-interest are two different things. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.»

At XNUMXs, the world seems open, full of opportunity, and their lack of experience makes them cling to people even if they don’t deserve it. But thirty-somethings have already learned that good relationships are difficult to come by, that there are always enough people in the world to be friends with, so there is no reason to waste our time on people who will not support us on our life path.

4. Be nice to those you care about.

“Tragedies happen in everyone’s life, in the circle of family and friends of everyone. Be the person you can count on in times like these. I think the gap between thirty and forty years is a decade when a lot of shit starts happening to you and your loved ones that you might not even think about. Parents die, your spouse dies or cheats, kids keep being born, friends get divorced… the list is endless. You probably have no idea how much you can help a person at such a time, just by being with him, listening, without judging.

— Rebecca, 40

Accordingly, calling for strengthening personal boundaries in front of those whom we do not want to let into our lives, many readers advise spending more time with those friends and family members who are really close to you.

5. You can’t achieve everything in the world — focus on what you’re really good at.

“In life, everything is built on compromises. You sacrifice one thing to get another, and you cannot get both together. Accept it.»

— Eldrie, 60

Twenties are full of dreams. They are sure that they have all the time in the world. I myself, in my twenties, had many illusions about my site — that it would become just one activity among many. How could I have known that I would have to spend most of the next ten years becoming quite competent in this area? And now that I have acquired the necessary competencies, I have huge advantages, I love what I do, so why would I give it all up for something else?

“In a word: focus. You can achieve more in life if you focus on doing one thing very, very well.”

— Erickson, 49

Another reader: “I would advise my past self to focus on 1-2 goals/desires/dreams and work hard for them. Do not be distructed». And one more: “You have to accept that you can’t do everything. To achieve anything in life, you have to sacrifice a lot.”

Some readers have pointed out that most people choose their careers in their early twenties, and like so many choices made, this one often turns out to be the wrong one. It takes years to find what we are really good at and enjoy. But it’s better to focus on your core strengths and maximize them year after year than to be half as good at something else.

“I would tell my XNUMX year old self to put aside what other people think and identify my natural strengths, my passion, and then build my life around that.”

— Sarah, 58

For some people, it will cost them big risks even in their thirties. This can mean the destruction of a career that has already spent 10 years of their lives building, the loss of the level of income for which they worked and to which they are already accustomed. Which brings us to the point…

6. Don’t be afraid to take risks, you can still change.

“While by the age of 30 most people think they should stick to the chosen path, it is never too late to start all over again. Over the past 10 years, I have seen people most regret their decision to leave everything as it is, even though they considered it wrong. These are such quick ten years of life that turn days into weeks, weeks into years. And at 40, they found themselves in the midst of a midlife crisis, doing absolutely nothing to solve the problem that they were aware of 10 years ago.

— Richard, 41

“My biggest regret is that I didn’t.”

— Sam, 47

Many have noticed that society requires us to «decide» by the age of 30 — with a career, marital status, financial situation, etc. But this is not true. In fact, dozens of messages sent literally begged not to let public expectations of a “adult person” stop you from taking risks and starting over.”

“I’ll be 41 soon, and I would say to my thirty-year-old self: you should not bring your life into line with ideals that you don’t believe in. Live your own life, don’t let anyone control it. Don’t be afraid to put everything at stake, you have the power to create everything anew.»

— Lisa, 41

What united many readers was the decision to change careers in their thirties and the improvement in their lives that followed. One of them quit a highly paid job as a military engineer and became a teacher. Twenty years later, he calls it the best decision of his life. When I asked my mother a question, I got the answer: “I wish I could think more outside the box. Your father and I made up something like a plan to do one thing, then another, then a third, but looking back, I realize we shouldn’t have done it at all. We judged our lives too narrowly, and I regret it a little.»

“Less fear. Less fear. Less fear. I will be 50 next year and have just learned my lesson. At the age of 30, fear was a poisonous driving force in my life. It had an incredibly negative effect on my marriage, my career, my self-esteem. I plead guilty to worrying about what people say about me. I thought that I might fail. Worried about the consequences. If I could live this time again, I would take more risks.”

— Aida, 49

7. You must continue to grow and develop

“You have two assets that you cannot replace: your body and your mind. Most stop developing and working on themselves after 20. Most thirty-year-olds are too busy to worry about self-development. But if you’re one of the few who continues to learn, develop your mindset, and take care of your mental and physical health, by the age of 40 you’ll be light years ahead of your peers.»

— Stan, 48

If someone can change at thirty — and should continue to do so — then he must work on himself in order to become better. Many readers have commented that choosing to sit down again at age thirty is one of the most rewarding things they’ve ever done. Some signed up for courses and seminars. Some started their business for the first time or moved to another country. Some started seeing a psychologist or started practicing meditation.”

“Your number 1 goal should be to become a better person, partner, parent, friend, colleague, etc. In other words, grow as a person.”

— Emilia, 39 years old

8. Nobody understands what he is doing. Get used to it

“If you haven’t died yet – mentally, emotionally or socially – you can’t predict your life 5 years ahead. It won’t go the way you expect. So stop believing that you can plan ahead, stop worrying about what’s happening now because everything will change anyway, and overcome the desire to control the direction of your life. Luckily though, you can take a lot of chances and not lose anything — you can’t lose what you never had. In addition, your sense of loss is a product of your reflection, which will weaken over time.

— Thomas, 56

One of the lessons I learned as I turned 20 was that no one really knows what they’re doing. Judging by letters from forty-year-olds, this rule continues to work at a later age — in fact, it works forever.

“Most of what you think is important now will look completely unimportant in 10 or 20 years, and there is nothing wrong with that. This is called «development». Just try not to take yourself too seriously all the time.»

— Simon, 57

“Despite the sense of invulnerability that has accompanied you this decade, you don’t know what will happen—and no one does. While this worries those who cling to permanence and security, it gives freedom once you realize the simple truth: everything is constantly changing. In the end, truly mournful times may come. Don’t silence the pain and don’t avoid it. Sadness happens in everyone’s life, it is a consequence of an open and passionate soul. Appreciate it. Above all, be kind to yourself and others, because life is a beautiful journey that keeps getting better.”

— Prue, 38

“I’m 44 and I would like to inform my thirty-year-old self that by the age of forty my life will be filled with stupid things, various, but stupid … So, thirty-year-old me, don’t judge me from above. You still don’t know anything. And this is good».

— Shirley, 44

9. Invest in your family — it’s worth it

“Spend more time with loved ones. As you grow older, your relationships change, and exactly how they change is up to you. Your parents will always see you as a child until you show them that you are an independent adult. Everyone is getting old. Everyone is dying. Use the time allotted to you to build the right relationships and enjoy family life.

— Cash, 41

I was inundated with family letters and deafened by their power. Family is the big new theme of our next decade of life, as it begins to touch us on both sides. Your parents are getting older and you need to think about how you will communicate with them as an adult. And you also need to think about building your own family.

Most agree that it is necessary to leave in the past all grievances and problems with parents and learn how to interact with them. One reader wrote: “You are too old to blame your parents for any of your own shortcomings. At 20, you could just run away from home. At thirty, you are an adult. Seriously. Be above it.»

Then before each of us the following question arises: to have a child or not?

“You don’t have time. You don’t have money. You need to make a career first. This will end your usual life. Stop it… Children are great. They make you better at everything. They force you to go beyond your limits. They make you happy. Don’t delay having children. If you haven’t made it to 30, now is the time. You will never regret it.»

— Kevin, 38

The «right» time for kids will never come because you don’t know what it is until you try it. If you have a good marriage and parenting environment, strive to have them as early as possible, this will bring you a lot of joy.

— Cindy, 45

Consent between spouses seems to be the main thing on which a marriage is based, provided that you have a healthy relationship with the right person. If not, see point 3.

But interestingly, there are many similar letters:

“All I have learned in the last 10-13 years is just this… bars, women, beaches, drinking, clubs, trips to other cities, because I have no duties other than work… I would give every memory of all this for a good woman who would truly love me … and maybe family. I would add that it’s better to really grow up and have a family than to be successful at work. I still enjoy life a little, but sometimes at the next party I feel like a guy who keeps coming to school after he graduated (like Matthew McConaughey’s character in the movie Dazed and Confused). Around me, people fall in love and build relationships. “All” of my peers are now married, and many more than once! Being single all the time sounds cool to all my married friends, but no one should choose this path in their life.»

— Anonymous, 43 years old

“I would tell myself to stop looking for a prince on a white horse and be grateful for being in a relationship with a nice, smart guy who really cares about me. Now I’m single and it looks like I’m too late to do something about it.»

— Farah, 38

On the other hand, several letters expressed the opposite view:

“Don’t feel obligated to have a family and children if you don’t want to. What makes one person happy doesn’t make everyone happy. I decided to stay single without children and still live a full and happy life. Do what’s best for you.»

— Anonymous, 40 years old

Conclusion: While a family is not something that is absolutely essential to happiness, most find that a family is always worth the effort they put into it, provided, of course, that the relationship is healthy and harmonious.

10. Be kind to yourself, respect yourself

“Be a little selfish and do something good for yourself every day, something else every month, and something wonderful every year.”

— Nancy, 60

This point rarely stood out in letters from readers, but it was present in almost every one of them anyway: treat yourself better. Almost everyone has said it in one form or another. There is no one who cares or thinks about you as much as you do. Life is hard, so learn to love yourself now because it will be harder later.

Many used the old cliché: «Don’t waste your energy on the little things in life.» Sixty-year-old Eldrie wisely remarked: “When faced with another challenge, ask yourself, will the outcome matter in 5 or 10 years? If not, spend a few minutes on it and move on.” Most readers agree with the simple rule of accepting life as it is, with all its imperfections.

Which brings us to the last quote from Martin (aged 58):

“When I turned forty, my father told me that I would like to be forty, because at twenty you think you know everything, at thirty you realize that this is not so, and at forty you can finally relax and just accept things as they are. At 58, I want to say that he was right.”