10 things you should never do with children
A practicing psychologist told how not to behave in the presence of a child.
“How did it happen that my adult son began to copy the behavior of his father, my husband, with whom I separated almost five years ago? My friend asks. – I accidentally witnessed a quarrel between my boy and my girlfriend. He called her the same words as his unfortunate father – me. For a long time I could not come to my senses. I began to remember all my life from the birth of my son to the present day. When Artyom was very young, my husband and I constantly quarreled. Once he even raised his hand to me. Then I forgave, I wanted to save the family. Then the son saw continuous endless drinking. The topic did not need to show films about the dangers of alcohol and smoking. He saw how these addictions destroy a loved one. Why did I find my son with a cigarette at the age of 17? “
It turns out that many parents are faced with a similar situation. They try to instill one thing in children, and as sons and daughters, having matured, forget all the advice and lessons of adults, and give out behavior in which parents recognize themselves – but in the worst form. And all because the parents allowed a lot of unnecessary things in communication with children.
Clinical psychologist, head of the Sednev Psychological Center
www.sednev.org/
“It is ineffective, and often useless, to drum into a child any information, for example, about the dangers of smoking or drinking alcohol, if you do it all yourself,” says Boris. – Also, you can never instill in your son or daughter the desire to learn if you yourself hated this process all your life. Most likely, children unconsciously read the true attitude of their parents. “
If you are not ready for change and do not want to work on yourself, then remember at least some of the taboos in raising children.
“When it comes to what cannot be done with a child, we should not overlook the age and individual characteristics,” says the psychologist. – Children of different ages may react differently to the same comment from an adult. It is also worth paying attention to the fact that completely different children grow up in the same family with the same approach to upbringing. “
10 things you shouldn’t do with your kids
Offend loved ones of the child
To discuss other people behind the eyes – who does not sin with this. Talking badly about his relatives and friends in front of a child is a gross mistake. Do not force your toddler to witness a showdown at home. You quarreled with your husband, grandmother – do not involve the child in sorting out your relationship.
If you keep repeating to the kid what a bad father he has, you will only dig a hole for yourself and ruin the child’s life. Without a positive image of a man, a notorious and resentful person will grow up. Dad and grandfather are authorities. If you criticize household members, weigh every word.
It is also impossible in all conflicts to be only on the side of your child. For example, parents often attack teachers without understanding the problem situation. In the future, the child develops the opinion that everyone around is fools. How difficult it is for such children when they begin to understand that the world will not revolve around them.
Blame the child
The separation of the child from the parents is often due to phrases that moms or dads utter, either in a rush or for manipulation purposes. Both are bad. Never and under no circumstances say in front of your son or daughter: “I hate you”, “You ruined my whole life”, “I love your brother / sister more”, “If it weren’t for you …”, “We don’t love ”,“ I am ashamed of you ”,“ You are the shame of our family ”,“ I give you my best years, and you … ”,“ Leave me alone ”, etc.
In fact, few people think about the real power of the impact of such words. Do not drive the baby away from you. Do not show that he is a burden to you, that you are tired of communicating with your child. Thus, you deprive him of a happy childhood. The child begins to think about the fact that they do not like him, that there is no point in turning to his parents for help. This attitude persists in adulthood. Do not expect support and protection from a son or daughter whom you repulsed when they were young.
To be discouraged
“Son, you will succeed”, “I believe in you”, “You are the best”, “Soon we will have a lot of money, and we will definitely buy you what you want.” You should think only positively in the presence of a child, you should not give in to despondency, fall into depression. If you don’t think so, check out the film adaptation of Romain Gary’s autobiographical novel The Promise at Dawn. The action takes place in provincial Poland, where a single woman is raising her only son. The family constantly endures ridicule and bullying from others. Who would have thought that this boy in a ridiculous girl’s coat could make a dizzying career and become a diplomat and a famous writer. Maternal love and support helped the protagonist to believe in his own strength.
Sort things out
“It is not easy to predict all the consequences of such behavior in children,” says the psychologist. – Much depends not only on what the child sees and hears, but also how he interprets it. As a rule, children growing up in such families are distinguished by uncontrollable emotional reactions in the future, the presence of increased anxiety, impulsivity and irritability. “
If a child is in an atmosphere of scandals and quarrels, then in the future this may prevent him from negotiating, resolving issues peacefully.
Parents who swear constantly will face the problem of difficult teenagers. Hug your children often. By hugging each other, we instantly get a sense of security, comfort and love. At any age, a person needs the same warmth that only a mother can give.
Praise one, scold another
Public punishment inflicts serious psychological trauma. Especially when there are comparisons.
“Look how Vasya reads well, and you only learned by syllables.”
There will always be someone who will do something better or worse. You should love children as they are and praise even small results. Even if your child did an unpleasant act (for example, he took a toy from a friend in the sandbox), then try to make the child apologize. Leave all punishments and admonitions for the house. Scold the child without witnesses.
Argue about parenting
A kind mom and a strict dad (or vice versa) – often parents choose for themselves different roles in raising children. It is not right. For the child, the example of both parents who live in harmony with each other is important. Adults should be able to negotiate. If mom prohibits something, then dad should not cancel it.
In happy families, there are always some general rules that everyone tries to follow. Let’s say you can only watch cartoons for two hours a day. Other options are not valid.
Inconsistency in upbringing or the abolition of rules, depending on the mood of the parents, erase children’s ideas about what is good and what is bad.
What about grandparents? Your parents’ house has different rules and regulations. When the child is on vacation, he can be given the opportunity to relax a little. You should not control grandparents and, moreover, make comments to them in the presence of children.
Walking around the house in your underwear
It’s okay if a child sees you in a swimsuit or how you dress. But to be naked with a baby is still not worth it.
“We live in a country where it is not accepted to go naked,” notes medical psychologist Elena Nikolaeva, “And the behavior when parents ignore clothes comes into some conflict with what society requires of us. At the same time, there is no need to focus on the clothes of mom or dad. Also, if you walk in underwear (but not sexy) around the apartment, the child needs to be explained. For example: it’s hot at home, it’s more comfortable, but it’s not customary to walk outside ”.
Endure disrespect
In the Soviet film Not Justified, the protagonist says important words to his son.
“Few people succeed in becoming a good person if they start by insulting their mother.”
You need to be friends with your child, but distance is still needed. Remember: equality between children and parents is impossible. Father and mother are the main ones in the family, their words are decisive. Don’t let your kids manipulate you. Stop any rudeness and disrespect on the part of the child. With children, you must not swallow insults and leave insults addressed to you unanswered. Talk, analyze, conflict, but don’t be silent.
Bump into gadgets
Adults themselves do not notice how much time they spend on social networks or playing computer games. Get out of the virtual world, spend family evenings without gadgets. Play monopoly, talk about a movie, tell each other funny stories, watch a family album. Try to get active on weekends too. Then your child will definitely not have any computer addiction.
Deceive
Are we honest with children? When they are small, we scare them with peasant women, policemen, aunts, who will take them away if the children do not fulfill their parental request. At school age, on the machine we promise to buy a new phone for an A in mathematics, then, after calculating the budget, we cancel the purchase. Sometimes we hide something from loved ones. For example, we ask our daughter not to tell her dad the true cost of the dress, etc.
Every day the child realizes that in the world of adults there is a place for falsehood and lies. With whom can you be honest, and where is it better to refrain from criticism? You will have to answer this question for your son or daughter yourself. Consider one thing: the more a child sees deception, the more often he will deceive himself.