PSYchology

You feel guilty even though you didn’t do anything. For some reason he is silent, although before the departure of the guests there was courtesy itself. You want everything to be good again: after all, your relationship began like in a fairy tale and he said that you are the best thing that ever happened to him in life. Changes happen gradually, that’s why he is a manipulator. But there are the first bells — casually dropped phrases that only he can definitely pronounce.

1. You are gradually isolated from family and friends.

Why are you going to your sister? You went last week.

“She was never released from the hospital.

— I repeat: you already went to her.

Or a milder version — from personal experience: “Well, why do you need to go to a reunion of graduates when I and I will be sad at home?” And it does work!

The time you spent without him is equated to a mortal sin. If you still go — no matter to friends or relatives, then, returning home, you find him in a bad mood and listen to caustic comments all evening.

This is very unexpected at first, and you are quite sincerely trying to cheer him up. In fact, your absence for the manipulator means a loss of attention, which should be entirely directed to his person, and a loss of control over you.

The ability to project is another hallmark of the narcissistic personality. If a narcissist and manipulator suddenly begins to suspect you of treason for no reason or reacts in some strange way to calls from your colleagues, it is very likely that this is the case.

2. He passes on reviews about you — and they are not always real.

Gradually, some “everyone” begins to participate in your conversations: “Everyone says that you somehow looked at me strangely yesterday”, “Everyone knows that I used to be a cheerful guy.” Rest assured, this unknown character has stuck around for a long time.

It doesn’t even occur to us to check whether this “collective intelligence” really told something about us?

Meanwhile, new characters appear: his classmates who see how he has changed after meeting you, his colleague who says that she would be happy if she had such a husband … Even your friends sometimes add something to this chorus (in his retelling).

Manipulator’s favorite phrase is «It’s all because of you.» It doesn’t have to be spoken, but it is implied.

Keep in mind that in reality, these people may not have said anything at all. When you ask your mutual friend directly, it may well turn out that this is the case. If you tell your domestic manipulator about this, you will get a great answer: “Of course no one will confess. Why did you even ask them? What nonsense.»

3. Rules are made to be followed… you

He cheated and you must forgive him. If you didn’t spend so much time with your child, he wouldn’t feel lonely and look for warmth and sympathy. He has needs, and you have neglected them.

If you rush to satisfy these needs, it will turn out that they are bottomless and have no specific boundaries: he needs all of you. Whatever you do, it is assumed that you have done little. Your needs will never be discussed. If you happen to smile or joke with someone, be prepared for harsh questions about your betrayal.

4. He will compete with you

You discover an amazing thing, but like any healthy person, at first you simply refuse to draw parallels between what is happening. For example, you sing well — and he suddenly interrupts you at parties and starts singing himself. You are sick and want to lie down, but in the evening he also falls ill and asks to cook him a warm broth and bring grapes.

The truth is that you cannot be better (greater) than your partner in anything. You started telling something to your friends, and he says: “Not like that, let me tell you”? Here is your first call.

And no jokes about his appearance! Passing by a mirror, the narcissist is convinced only that he is beautiful. If he slipped and you laughed (well, after all, we are from childhood!), you will catch his frankly evil look on you for a moment and realize that you have made a mistake again.

5. He loves to complain and seek sympathy.

His sister once completely forgot to come to his birthday. Colleagues refused to replace him when he had to leave. In general, he is surrounded by some idiots.

Over time, it turns out that the sister at that moment was lying with the flu, and colleagues at work had long exhausted the limit of patience after he let them down several times. Of course, it is impossible to live doubting everything, but frequent complaints and the manner of an unrecognized genius should alert you.

6. He wants to «improve» you.

Manipulator’s favorite phrase is «It’s all because of you.» It is not necessarily pronounced, but it is implied very often. For example: he forgot his keys because you didn’t remind him. He left for the whole weekend because he got bored.

As soon as the honeymoon (or year) ends, as happens with all couples, emotions and delights are replaced by another, calmer phase of the relationship. Everyone goes through a grinding phase, and then — attention! — the manipulator begins to slowly look for ways to «improve» you. Don’t miss this moment, especially if you already have low self-esteem. It starts with harmless comments — “Oh, what a funny hat”, or “What is that speck on your face?”.

Gradually, you develop your own style and manner of dressing with an eye on your companion. And you get his verdict: “Yeah…”

7. All his exes are monsters

Two favorite themes of the narcissist and the covert manipulator: all his «ex» turned out to be monsters and everything that happened was their fault. He suffers a lot. But he can handle it. If you ask how this happened, a detailed story will follow, by the end of which you will want to take this kitten in your arms and protect him from this cruel world.

8. He loves to punish with silence

In any healthy relationship, everyone needs time to be alone. This is simply vital for an introvert, an extrovert can take time out for a short time to think about something or “cool down” after many hours of fun. A few minutes pass, and you are again ready to see each other and communicate, as if nothing had happened. This happens spontaneously, and the partner himself will say that he wants to be alone for a while.

We think we have found love, and joyfully prepare to understand, forgive and support

Not so with the manipulator. He stops suddenly and for a long time and will never say why. You must guess for yourself and beg for forgiveness. Although you did not commit visible misconduct and, most likely, you did something that made him feel inferior to you in some way. Such proud silence is just one way to control you.

9. He is very courtesy, and … nothing more

Please help my son with math, I’ll be back late today.

“Of course, dear.

(In the evening everyone greets you in a good mood, but the lessons are not done.)

Pay attention to what your partner says — and what he does. Manipulators are often very charming and at the stage of acquaintance and «seduction» they surround you with royal care. This period, unfortunately, is not long. It doesn’t matter for what reason it ended — he got bored, he got everything he planned from you, he had new interests …

The manipulator will not rudely refuse you, but he will also not hurry to do something for you. This is repeated dozens of times, and it does not bother him at all.

10. Disobedience will be punished

Every time you break its rules, you will be sure to let them know. The wounded ego of the narcissistic personality is very painful, and he will let you feel this pain to the fullest. At first it will be emotional abuse. Which is sure to be followed by reconciliation. But the general pattern is that each new blow will be stronger. In fact, this begins the transition from normal healthy relationships to relationships based on violence. From emotional to verbal abuse. From him to the physical.

You ask, how can you not notice such obvious things? You can, and it happens all the time.

We think we have found love, and joyfully prepare to understand, forgive, and support through sorrow and joy. The manipulator, on the other hand, receives a human copy at its disposal, which must be unobtrusively trained to be the way it should be.

Try to pay attention to all these signs that indicate a narcissistic person prone to manipulation, even at the stage of dating. After all, all that matters in the long run is your emotional health.

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