10 signs you’re too close to your mother

“Most children at a young age are very dependent on their mother. Subsequently, it can be difficult to break this connection. This is necessary for further emotional development. Mothers need to help growing children gain independence, children to be able to overcome addictions and learn how to pave the way in this world,” says American psychotherapist Tina Tessina.

Several psychotherapists have described typical signs of personal boundary violations between a mother and her adult son or daughter. In the examples described below, most often the mother demands constant attention and controls every step of the child, who, in turn, is overly dependent and inclined to please everyone, but the opposite is also possible.

1. Mother demands obviously excessive attention and time

Are you used to dropping everything when your mother calls, even if you already talked today? Do you regularly cancel meetings and joint events with friends, colleagues, husband / wife simply because she wants to see you? It is very likely that you are in an unhealthy situation. Of course, sometimes it is important to put the mother first, but not to the detriment of everything else in life.

“A parent or adult child can constantly call each other and expect them to spend most of their free time together. These demands are often complied with out of guilt or familial duty,” explains clinical psychologist Gina DeLucca.

You may feel like you are doing the right thing by fulfilling your mother’s demands, but in the end, this can damage your relationship.

“If the attention is most often directed to the mother, it prevents you from developing other aspects of life, which can lead to resentment, discontent and other negative feelings towards the mother,” says psychotherapist Amanda Stemen.

2. You feel responsible for her emotional well-being.

If your mother is letting you know that you are responsible for her emotional well-being, it is likely that personal boundaries have been violated in the relationship. You cannot control her emotions, only she can do it herself.

“Some parents shift the responsibility for their emotions onto their children. They may say: “I feel bad about what you did”, “I feel sad when you don’t call for a long time”, “I wouldn’t be angry if you didn’t do this”. This begins when the child is still very young, but often, growing up, he continues to feel the obligation to maintain parental happiness and peace, ”says Stemen.

This unhealthy thought pattern can carry over to other relationships. “In adulthood, the child of such a mother often finds it difficult to maintain relationships with others, often he or she finds herself in a co-dependent relationship, as with her mother,” Stemen adds.

3. You lie so as not to upset her.

High school students sometimes have to lie to their mother about how they spend their free time in order to avoid unnecessary problems. But as an adult, you shouldn’t feel the need to lie to your mother so as not to upset her. If she doesn’t like what you’re doing, well, so be it.

“An adult is responsible for his own decisions, actions and their consequences. You no longer need approval or disapproval to learn to distinguish good from bad,” says family therapist Aaron Anderson.

If you find yourself continuing to deceive your mother for the same reasons you used to, you may both be stuck in your old roles of parent and child. Honesty will help take relationships to the next level.

“Be direct and honest with her about what is going on in your life, what you are doing and why. So you can build a relationship between two adults, ”advises Anderson.

4. You are financially dependent on her.

Perhaps you are an adult who is temporarily unemployed or facing financial difficulties. You had to ask your mother (or father) to help financially until you get back on your feet. There is nothing wrong with this. But still, if you are able to work, your mother should not support you.

“If you are financially dependent, it means that she knows everything about your finances: how much and what you spend, how much is spent on rent and other expenses. It turns out that she has the last word in all matters related to money. It does not allow you to become a fully grown and independent person, says Aaron Anderson. “There is nothing wrong with accepting gifts and even financial assistance in a difficult situation, but in other cases you should absolutely not ask your parents for money.”

5. You let your mother take care of your responsibilities.

Physically and mentally fit adults should do their own laundry, clean their homes, make doctor appointments, and arrange travel and business trips. Perhaps the mother wants to do all this for you, trying to help, but by allowing her to do this, you interfere with your own growth and development.

“Such help may seem like just a manifestation of concern for her own child, but in this way the mother prevents an already adult person from learning to live completely on her own,” says Delucca.

6. The mother wants to be involved in any decisions.

If you realize that you are not able to solve everyday issues on your own without consulting your mother, this is a bad sign. You must be confident in making your own decisions. You can ask her opinion if you want, but you shouldn’t feel compelled to do so.

“It’s perfectly normal to share with your mother some details of life and important decisions that you have to make – if you yourself want it. But if you feel an obligation, believing that she will be offended if you don’t tell, this is a sign of problems, ”says Tina Tessina.

If you don’t heed her advice, she may try to tap into your guilt.

“When a child does not do what the mother would like or demonstrates opinions and beliefs that she does not like, she may become angry, begin to shame and criticize him, or completely withdraw. This can lead to the fact that he never learns to insist on his own, does not gain confidence, will be embarrassed to express thoughts and feelings, ”says family therapist Tara Griffith.

7. Mother doesn’t respect your privacy, reads text messages

Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust. When a mother feels the need to spy on you, such as reading your correspondence, this is a warning sign.

“If a mother reads your letters, follows you on social networks and then reprimands you because of what she saw, or comes to visit unannounced, constantly demands that you give her time and attention, taking offense when she is refused, this is a classic example of violation personal boundaries,” says Tina Tessina.

8. You sometimes feel like you’re in competition with your mother.

In a healthy relationship, the mother is always proud of the children’s skills, their virtues, successes and achievements, and does not envy them. If there is a feeling of competition, it is important to understand the reasons.

“We can talk about envy or competition – in terms of fighting for the attention of others (including the father), comparing appearance, success and achievements. In such a situation, the son or daughter seems to receive a signal to moderate their ambitions, to be more modest and inconspicuous so as not to overshadow the mother. Because of this, they may develop a tendency to be overly self-critical or feel inadequate,” says family therapist Linsey Seeley.

9. The mother condones the child’s inappropriate or irresponsible behavior.

Perhaps the mother is trying to solve your problems due to risky behavior or unhealthy habits, trying to protect you from the consequences of your own mistakes. In doing so, it does more harm than good, allowing you to continue to behave inappropriately.

“This may be due to guilt towards the child or the desire to maintain power over him at a time when he begins to gain independence. For example, a mother may call her son’s work and say that he is ill, when in fact he did not go to the office due to a hangover after a stormy party yesterday, ”says Tara Griffith.

10. Mother shares too personal information.

Do you often have to think: “I don’t need to know this!” When she tells the details of a hectic intimate life? Or, on the contrary, does she want to know in detail about your personal life? Openness and honesty in communicating with parents is great, but you don’t need to know any information about each other.

“A close relationship with your mother that allows you to openly discuss almost any topic is normal and even good, but it’s still worth thinking about boundaries. Perhaps certain information should not be shared,” says Gina DeLucca.