We suppress anger and other negative emotions because we want to look good and don’t like conflict situations. The accumulated aggression has a destructive power, but it is difficult for us to recognize it. What features of your behavior should you pay attention to?
Passive-aggressive behavior does not mean you are a bad person. On the contrary, often people behave this way precisely because they are trying to look good, not to offend anyone, not to quarrel with anyone. But in fact, they lack the confidence to openly express anger, irritation, resentment. They have learned from childhood that it is not safe. Here are 10 tell-tale signs of passive-aggressive behavior.
1. You often complain. Instead of saying that you are not happy with the situation, accepting responsibility for changing it, you prefer to complain.
2. You are doing something “for show”. You agree to do something you don’t feel like doing, like attending an event. But you are exactly “present” – you don’t communicate with anyone and count the minutes until you can go home. Staying at an event seems ridiculous to you. But wasn’t it ridiculous not to say “no” right away?
3. You agree to do something but procrastinate. You are asked to bring documents by a certain time. You are so angry at the person who forced this business on you that you specially come at the very last moment.
4. You intentionally perform tasks carelessly. Deep down, you want to slightly “punish” the person who asked you to do something that you don’t want to. You do the work somehow so that in the future you will not be approached with such requests.
5. You “forget” about unpleasant things. You don’t want to go to a friend’s party because she invited your ex-partner without asking you. The next morning you send her an SMS that you completely forgot about the invitation. Or you “forget” about helping a colleague who asked you to evaluate and edit his resume. The request seems impudent to you, because not only he, but you, too, are applying for a promotion.
6. Under the guise of compliments, let go of the hairpins. You seem to be nice and kind, but in your words one can guess a subtext that is humiliating for the interlocutor. For example, your friend finally bought a car, which she had been saving for a long time, but now she has no money to go to the sea with you. You’ve lost company and you’re annoyed and say, “Oh, great car. At least you’ll get to work on it.”
If you are offended that the presentation of the company was entrusted to another employee, you notice: “What beautiful colors you used. I like! But aren’t they too flashy? We have an accounting firm after all.”
7. You always keep score. A friend forgot to wish you a happy birthday – you don’t tell him anything, but next time you don’t invite him to your party. A colleague drank the cola that you left in the office refrigerator, you don’t seem to notice this, but seizing the moment when you are not seen, you finish the last piece of chocolate lying on her table.
8. You ignore letters, SMS and conversations. Noticing that you look upset, your sister asks what happened. You walk away from the conversation by saying, “It’s okay, it’s all right,” leaving her to wonder. They send you a letter that irritates you, and you keep silent or answer after a while, but write about something completely different.
9. You are mean to little things. Such behavior is often difficult to admit to oneself, since it is about insignificant things. Nevertheless, you want to at least hurt the other person with whom you are offended or angry. For example, you do not remind a colleague about the upcoming meeting, crunch cookies in the presence of a dieter, and so on.
10. You make other people feel guilty. Your friend unexpectedly gets a ticket to a concert of her favorite band. But this means that she will not be able to come to you for dinner, although you agreed on this a long time ago. You “comfort” her: “I’m very happy for you, of course, go and don’t worry about me, I’m already used to being alone on Friday nights.” Your partner went to the exhibition with friends, forgetting that he promised to take you with him. Your reaction: “It’s okay, I need to moderate my expectations.”
Do you recognize yourself in any of these situations? If you’re not sure, take a look at the list of possible explanations for this behavior. You may be familiar with this motivation:
- I’m just a peaceful person, that’s all.
- I don’t like rocking the boat.
- Why upset someone when you can do without it?
- I just don’t like conflict.
- I don’t want to be rude.
- I don’t want to expose myself to criticism.
- It is very hard for me when I am rejected.
Sounds good, but only in theory. In practice, unfortunately, things are different. Collisions of opinions, views, positions are inevitable, and this is an integral part of healthy adult communication. Just like setting personal boundaries and being able to discuss your needs. In addition, it must be understood that passive-aggressive behavior will ultimately hurt other people more than open conflict.
What is the reason for passive-aggressive behavior?
Often the origins lie in childhood history. Perhaps the child observed this behavior of parents and other significant adults and adopted this way of communication from them. But more often than not, it’s because as a child you didn’t feel it was safe to express your emotions. You had to always be a “good” child, only under this condition did you receive parental love and acceptance.
Perhaps one of your elders was sick, suffering from addiction or mental illness, and you were afraid to upset him. Or maybe you have developed a co-dependent relationship with your mother or father, and you have been taught that you are responsible for her or his happiness. Somehow, you have learned to hide your anger, frustration, and grief.
To some extent, passive-aggressive behavior is common to everyone. But if you realize that you show this form of aggression quite often, it makes sense to read the literature on this topic and work on yourself. If it complicates life, you should seek help from specialists. Psychodynamic and cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy works especially well in such cases.
Source: harleytherapy.co.uk