Every time the character Meryl Streep from The Devil Wears Prada appears on the screen, the audience has a feeling of anxiety, tension, or even real horror. All these experiences are familiar to many from real life. Narcissists are able to climb to the top of the pyramid of power, leaving only smoking ruins behind them. If such a person seriously set out to achieve the status of a leader, he usually succeeds — at the cost of ruined relationships with everyone around him.
“If you have to work with a narcissist, the first rule is not to discuss his narcissism with other colleagues. This can seriously damage your career, even if the narcissist takes pride in his behavior. From his point of view, only he can talk about his own shortcomings (which he does not consider shortcomings), no one else is allowed to do this, ”advises psychotherapist Christine Hammond.
In such a situation, it is important first of all to know and understand yourself well. Be aware of your strengths (personal and professional) that can make you seem like a dangerous competitor to the narcissist. Do not forget about the weaknesses that he can take advantage of.
10 «rules of survival» for those who work with narcissists
1. Remain calm. Threats, intimidation, gaslighting, distortion of the truth, attempts to induce feelings of guilt — the «arsenal» of narcissists is rich in such tricks. By all means, remain calm. Think of it as a self-control exercise. In a calm state, it is much easier to give a deliberate rebuff.
2. Ignore aggression. A typical control tactic is aggressive body language that makes clear the aggressor’s intentions without words. For example, the narcissist leans forward, looks down at you, physically blocks the way. Pretend that you do not pay attention to this, otherwise you will only convince him of the effectiveness of such techniques.
3. Pause before answering. Before you respond to any demands, stop and consider your words. It’s okay if someone considers you too slow or indecisive, this is much better than hasty action.
4. Try not to raise your voice. Theodore Roosevelt argued that the best policy is to «talk softly, but carry a big club.» This tip can be very helpful when dealing with a narcissist.
The «big club» is needed not for attack, but exclusively for defense. Every narcissist has a weak point. The aggressor can be shamed by “pressing” on the desired point if his behavior goes beyond the boundaries of what is acceptable.
5. Get ready for the roller coaster. Narcissists alternately attract others to them and repel them. Their admiration is quickly replaced by contempt (sometimes even in one sentence). Avoid those rollercoasters. Don’t agree with the narcissist’s extreme judgments, stay neutral.
The main thing is not to provoke him and not give him the opportunity to take advantage of your weaknesses.
6. Control body language. For many of us, anxiety manifests itself in non-verbal cues. We begin to twitch our hair, scratch or pinch ourselves, fussily touch something in our hands.
Narcissists are great at reading these signals and often start attacking with a vengeance, seeing that the interlocutor is nervous. Since they lack empathy, tact and restraint should not be expected from them.
7. Try to find something in common. By trying to confront the narcissist openly, you are likely to provoke him to aggression. Most of all, these people are afraid of looking bad in the eyes of others and are extremely sensitive to everything that can disgrace them. If you address him from the position of an equal partner, most likely, his reaction will be more favorable.
8. Set personal boundaries. Usually, the narcissist does not respect the boundaries of others from the very beginning. But if you persistently and adamantly protect them, gradually he will give in to your demands.
9. Be clear. Communicating with narcissists is often very difficult, they tend to constantly interrupt the interlocutor and change the topic of conversation. Therefore, it is better to express your thoughts quickly, clearly and clearly, speaking only to the point. It is better to discuss all goals and expectations as specifically as possible.
10. Know who to turn to for help. If you feel seriously threatened while communicating, ask someone outside your department for help. If you tell one of your immediate mutual colleagues about his behavior, he will perceive it as a betrayal.
“Forced communication with a narcissist at work can be unpleasant or even intimidating, but at least you can learn to peacefully coexist with this person. The main thing is not to provoke him and not give him the opportunity to take advantage of your weaknesses, ”concludes Christine Hammond.