10 questions about the awakening of sexuality in children

Discovery of sexuality in children: how to talk to them about it?

” How are babies made ? “Why does he have a penis and I don’t?” This very natural curiosity is an essential stage in their development. Here is everything you need to know to help your child discover the mysteries of sexuality.

Is it justified to speak of sexuality when it comes to children so young?

When we talk about infantile sexuality, we are of course not talking about adult sexuality. Each age has its own way of understanding it. From birth, a baby is a ball of sensations. Over the months, he sets out to discover his own body with his hands and his mouth, and he feels the pleasure of it. He takes great pleasure in sucking, sucking his thumb, sucking, chewing, which is why we speak of the oral stage. When his personal exploration reaches his genitals, the pleasure he feels prompts him to do it again. From the age of 2-3 years, the child sets out to discover his sex and that of others, it is built as a girl or a boy. The acquisition of cleanliness provides new sensations that are added to its range of bodily pleasures, we then speak of the anal stage. From 4 to 6 years old, the Oedipal period sets in, the little boy wants to marry his mother and the little girl his daddy. Pushed by le desire to understand where it comes from, he asks lots of questions about everything around him and in particular the most important in his eyes: “How do we make babies?” “.

Is it essential to talk about it with your child?

A child needs to hear very early authentic words about sexuality, because it is a complex subject which challenges him, sometimes even worries him, and which requires reassuring explanations. It is essential to leave the door open for discussion, to reassure him, because it is during his early childhood that a toddler lays the foundations for his adult sexuality. When he questions us, we can start by asking him what he thinks about it in order toadapt their response to what they are able to hear. If he asks: “How did the little seed get into mom’s womb?” Or “Where is the baby coming from?” It is not necessary to give him a detailed course on all the stages of conception, pregnancy and birth, if he is only looking for a small part of the answer.

How to answer all his questions?

Questions about sexuality often confuse adults and can even unsettle them. To feel comfortable with their questions, it is important to have thought about it beforehand, to consult books that explain sexuality to toddlers with appropriate words, so as not to be caught off guard. Children invent strange and personal sexual theories that they seek to validate with their parents. They make assumptions, take roundabout paths to make it clear that something is tormenting or intriguing them. It is not always easy to answer all the questions and if you are embarrassed, say it frankly: “Your question embarrasses me, I will think about it before answering you”, or even “I do not know not the answer to your question, but I will find out where we can find it together ”. It is fundamental to do not leave the child unanswered and resume the dialogue started. Keeping silent, refusing to answer, ignoring the subject, would lead him to say to himself that it is wrong to think about this kind of thing, to feel guilty and not to dare to talk about it in the event of a problem. .

He (she) masturbates, is this normal?

Children discover very early on that stroking their genitals is a way to have fun, relax, release tension and overcome boredom. Around 2-3 years, masturbation is a normal stage of sexual arousal and there is no need to judge these inappropriate gestures because they are naturals. On the other hand, it is essential to set limits and explain to your toddler that all children his age do it, but this enjoyable activity is done in private, not in public. You can explain to him that touching his zizi or zézette is personal, like peeing, and that there are places to do it, that he can fondle himself alone in his room. Be careful that he does not understand that he has to hide because he would feel like he is doing something wrong. Do not scold him, as you will give him a bad image of his body and of pleasure in general. Above all, do not forbid him to caress himself because he would feel guilty, would associate pleasure with forbidden, and could use this practice to oppose and provoke you. Childish masturbation does not involve any hidden defect or physical danger, there is no need to worry about it, unless it interferes with other games, becomes compulsive and excessive. It can then be the expression of internal conflicts that disturb the child and for which he needs the help of a shrink.

When does he realize he’s a girl or a boy?

From birth, a baby is designated once and for all as a girl or boy by his parents, by their speech and their attitudes. But he needs several years of evolution and psychic development so that he truly becomes aware of his sexual identity. Around 2 years old, even before mastering the language, he slowly realizes that he is a boy or a girl. He notices the differences in dress, games, haircuts, postures for urinating … During his third year, he observes and integrates all behaviors based on gender identity, reinforced by games, education, life in society. The little boy takes pride in having a penis and at first he is convinced that the girl also has a penis somewhere that will grow well eventually. While the girl knows that there are children with something she doesn’t have. At first she pretends to ignore, then she starts to be jealous of what she doesn’t have, but she is still convinced that it will grow and that her clit will start to grow. From 4 years old, boys and girls will understand that their morphology is different and need simple explanations on the difference between the sexes: the little girl does not have the famous cock, but she too has an extraordinary, hidden sex. inside her body, and later, she will have breasts, and can bear children in her womb. Zizi for the boy, zézette for the girl, each family has its own vocabulary. The important thing is that, at the age of building narcissism, everyone is happy to be what they are.

What is the Oedipus complex?

Between 3-4 years, the child enters the Oedipus period, an essential stage in the construction of his identity, which makes it possible to clarify love relationships and to state certain basic rules. The child feels a strong amorous desire for the parent of the opposite sex and perceives the parent of the same sex as a rival. Convinced that adults read his thoughts, the little boy fears that his penis is cut to punish him for his desire. Anguish and nightmares are the key to this “castration complex”. As for the little girl, she feels a love desire for her father whom she tries to seduce so that he gives her a baby, and since she loves her mother very much, she feels guilty for wanting to steal her husband from her. It is up to parents to clearly state the prohibition by explaining that a father does not marry his daughter, that a mother does not marry her son, that it is prohibited by human law, that an adult cannot love lovingly than another adult. The child will take about two years to disentangle himself from his oedipal desire, to make his incest ban his own, to repress his love desire for one of his parents and to invest his energy elsewhere. His former rival is once again becoming an ideal identification model. His desire turns into a desire to make friends. His sexual curiosity is transformed into an intellectual curiosity which will allow him to carry out his new learning at the “big school”.

Why does my child like to play doctor?

Sexual games between children appear between 4 and 6 years old, when they understand that there are anatomical differences between boys and girls, between women and men. Playing doctor, mom and dad, “making love”, undressing, allows you to find out who is a boy and who is a girl, to see the anatomical differences a little more closely, and also to reassure yourself by comparing yourself to others. Children like to hide from the eyes of adults to indulge in these celebrations. They perceive that these shared moments are of the order of intimacy and must remain the prerogative of the children’s community. Sexual games that take place in a completely natural playful atmosphere are part of the normal psychosexual development of the child. They are nevertheless the sign of a questioning. Now is the time for adults to listen and be available to talk about sexual differences, to read stories that explore sexuality through toddler’s words.

Should we intervene if we feel that it is going too far?

As much as these games are beneficial when the children are the same age (or almost), so much they are detrimental if there is control and abuse of power by one of the participants over the other. It is imperative to check that everyone is participating in their games of their own free will. If you find yourself face to face with this situation when you open the door to your child’s bedroom who is playing with his or her little cousin, what should motivate your reaction is the atmosphere you perceive. If they are not embarrassed to be surprised in their antics, all is well. Offer to get dressed to come and have a snack. If they say they were ‘making love’, put it to the point: ‘You were playing, but the children are not having sex. It is for adults only. »If they are hiding, embarrassed, direct them to other activities, warning them that you will talk about it later, cold. Sexual games are to be categorically prohibited when the eldest has power over the youngest (s) who do not dare to escape it, when one seeks to insert objects into the private parts of another child. And when the game consists in reproducing adult sexual behavior with another child or with his dolls or soft toys, it is necessary to investigate because this means that one of the children has been confronted with raw sexual representations which do not correspond in any way to his age and which disrupt his development.

How to talk to him about the danger of pedophilia without traumatizing him?

The best prevention is education based on dialogue and trust. If a child is never allowed to express himself, if he never has the opportunity to enter into a conflict, he risks not allowing himself to oppose any adult demand whatever (including including sexual). Speaking freely about the positive sides of sexuality – pleasure, love, tenderness, desire for children… – is already a form of prevention of sexual abuse. The role of parents is toto bring the child to consider his body and his sex as precious and worthy of respect, to make him understand the meaning of bodily and emotional intimacy, to help him assert himself, and to put in place elements of self-protection. Explain to him that his body belongs only to him, that he does not have to let it be seen or touched by others, and above all, that he must not obey requests that make him feel badly. comfortable, whether from older children or adults. The message transmitted must not be anxious, the adult must not be presented as systematically perverse and dangerous, the child as a victim, the simple fact of touching a child as a suspect, otherwise the child may think that any form of sexuality is bad.

My child has become very modest, why?

Many very young children take pleasure in flaunting themselves without complexes, walking around naked in front of guests, sitting on the potty in the middle of the living room. Both exhibitionists and voyeurs, they lift the skirts of the girls and ask to see the breasts of the ladies. Around 3 years old, toddlers realize the difference between being naked or dressed. The situation changes, they gradually build their private territory, become able to claim their modesty and protect themselves from any intrusion. Some demand that we close the bathroom or toilet door, others want to wash themselves, hide to put on their pajamas or refuse too many kisses. The advent of childish modesty that sets in between the ages of 4 and 5 testifies to the evolution of the relationship to the body. It is important to respect the child’s requests, not to laugh at them, or to point them out in public. These blunders would hurt his sensitivity. It is also preferable that adults show the same modesty, avoid any exhibitionism, no longer show themselves naked in front of a modest child in response to his development.