Contents
- 1. “Your father (your mother) is simply unbearable”
- 2. “I feel lonely when you are with your father (mother)”
- 3. “Because of him (her) we were left without money”
- 4. “I wanted us all to be together, but your mother/your father left us”
- 5. “All men are scoundrels” or “All women are liars”
- 6. “If you acted normal, we wouldn’t fight.”
- 7. “You are all in the father (mother)”
- 8. “Dad went away for a while”
- 9. “If you’re going to cry, go to your room”
- 10. “Now you are the man (woman) in the house”
We all say things sometimes that we regret later. But parents going through a divorce must be careful with words so as not to harm the child.
In most cases, divorce is stressful for both partners, even for the initiator. Emotions are running high, the ability to control oneself is reduced. But if you have children, it’s worth taking a breath and pausing before you say something in the heat of the moment.
1. “Your father (your mother) is simply unbearable”
Accusations against the spouse put the child in a terrible position, he finds himself between two fires. Whatever the ex did, the kids have nothing to do with it.
“A child is half of every parent,” explains child psychologist Nancy Marble. When you scold the father or mother of your children, you scold the children themselves. They feel this and begin to defend themselves and the parent they are blaming. In this case, your relationship with the child will deteriorate.
2. “I feel lonely when you are with your father (mother)”
Parents usually mean that they miss their children. But you seem to be telling them that your happiness and well-being are somehow dependent on them. The child feels pressure. “Don’t make your child responsible for your misfortune,” says Benjamin Valencia II, a family law specialist. “Children should not try to make you happy or less lonely and feel guilty about spending time with the other parent.”
3. “Because of him (her) we were left without money”
It does not matter how the financial situation has changed after the divorce. Sharing these problems with a child is inappropriate, for him it will be an unbearable burden.
“Explaining that your situation has changed and some expenses will have to be reduced is fine,” says Nancy Marble. – But you don’t need to “load” the child with adult problems and details of financial squabbles with your ex-spouse. Let the children enjoy their childhood while you, as an adult, solve problems on your own.
4. “I wanted us all to be together, but your mother/your father left us”
This is another way to force a child to choose between you, even if you do it unconsciously. “By blaming the other parent, you further confuse the child in this already difficult situation. He will feel embarrassed and sad, explains Nadine Grey, a psychotherapist. – You send a message: “You must choose me, because your father / your mother is to blame for the divorce.”
5. “All men are scoundrels” or “All women are liars”
Such generalized accusations can harm the future life of the child, nor create negative ideas about the opposite sex. “Children are watching you much more closely than you think,” says Nancy Marble. “Do you really want them to repeat your mistakes in a relationship?”
6. “If you acted normal, we wouldn’t fight.”
During a divorce, children tend to blame themselves for this, such phrases only reinforce the feeling of guilt.
“Dealing with differences and dealing with the stress of divorce is the job of adults, not children,” says Ofra Obeias, a child and adolescent psychotherapist. “Such words make the child think that if he was better, then the parents would not have had so many problems and they would not have divorced.”
7. “You are all in the father (mother)”
It is obvious that you no longer want to be with the second parent, and if you “blame” the child for being similar to him, it turns out that you don’t want to be with the child either? “Such words make him afraid that he will one day lose your love,” says Craig Pedersen, a family law specialist. “He begins to question whether he has the right to love both parents.”
8. “Dad went away for a while”
Avoid “white lies” or vague answers to questions. Tell the children the truth that is appropriate for their age.
“Children need to understand that they live in a predictable world, then they have the opportunity to be aware and more or less predict the future,” says psychiatrist Alex Dimitriou. – You will have to explain why the second parent left the house, otherwise the child will be in an atmosphere of uncertainty. Parents should come to a common version and stick to it. This will help children cope with a difficult period.
9. “If you’re going to cry, go to your room”
It is hard to see the suffering of a child and understand that the reason was a divorce. But let the kids express their emotions and don’t blame them for it.
“The separation of parents scares children. Especially if they are not old enough to accurately express feelings, explains grief specialist Shelby Forsythia. “By forbidding them to cry, be sad or angry, you force them to keep all emotions in themselves, which can harm the psyche.”
10. “Now you are the man (woman) in the house”
Perhaps you want to instill a sense of responsibility, but in fact you are communicating that now the child must take on the role of an adult, which he cannot do.
“Kids take these words literally,” says Carol Brody Fleet, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good Women. “No child, no matter how old, should live with the feeling that he is obliged to take on the responsibilities of an adult.”
Source: fatherly.com