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When people live together for a long time, it seems to them that they know each other so well that they can no longer control their speech. But this is not so: most family scandals occur only because the partners do not know how to communicate correctly.
“At least half of marital quarrels happen because partners simply don’t know how to talk,” says family therapist Jeffrey Chernin.
According to him, over time, couples begin to communicate in patterns. The same words are answered with the same reactions. The complaint is habitually followed by anger, in response to it they raise their voice, and it is no longer clear who started it first. Such stereotypes of behavior are difficult to eradicate: we ourselves do not notice how we fall into the usual traps over and over again.
Here are 10 examples of such communication mistakes that invariably lead to quarrels and resentments.
1. “Running in a circle”
Partners begin to cling to each other and throw objections. For example:
Him: “Did your ex text you? Why didn’t you tell?”
Her: “I was talking the other day.”
Him: “No, I didn’t. I only found out about it because you shared it with Masha, and she passed it on to me.”
She: “Yes, I said! Just before we were going to see that movie.” Etc.
Each of the partners can stop running in a circle. If one says, “You never said your ex texted you,” the other might say, “I thought I did. If not, then I definitely did.” Assuming that one could forget about it, the second, most likely, will also agree that something similar happened to him.
2. “Attack and defense”
An attack is nothing more than a way to express anger or displeasure. This is a challenge to which a defensive reaction immediately follows. It usually starts with a question: “Why did you…?” For example, “Why did you share with Masha, and not with me?” And the response to that can be just as aggressive.
How to bypass this trap? Don’t defend. This may seem counter-intuitive, but think about it: what actually happened? Did your partner really want to hurt you? Try to understand what emotion is behind the attack. To the phrase: “Why didn’t you write to me ?!” you can answer: “I think you’re angry.” Most likely, the partner will answer “Sure!” Then just apologize.
If you yourself tend to attack, try not to provoke your partner to retaliate. Use assumptions: “You probably didn’t want to do this, but you still interrupted me.” This will soften any of your claims.
3. “Shootout”
At such moments, no one listens to anyone, does not allow the other to finish the phrase, or cuts him off in mid-sentence. In order to “lower the degree”, you will have to interrupt, for a while to disperse to the sides. For this to work, agree that:
- You will not accuse each other of softness or anything else for wanting to calm down.
- The response to the offer to cool off and return to the conversation later should consist of one word: “Good.”
- You will always come back to the conversation later and end it.
If you know where your “panic buttons” are hidden, tell your partner about it. When your partner insists on continuing the conversation, you can say, “When I’m nervous, I can’t hear you.” He will surely be able to understand you, stop taking your outbursts personally and keep his cool.
4. “Atheism”
So you can call the habit of waiting for the partner to express some claim in order to immediately express his “And you …” For example, he says: “I don’t like that you and your friends meet in a cafe. We would take a walk in the park to protect ourselves from covid.” You immediately retort: “And you bought a bunch of new clothes, although I asked you to cut costs and buy only the most necessary!”
“Atyism” is an unsuccessful attempt to evade unpleasant conversation. If your partner does this, answer: “Fair. This also needs to be discussed. But let’s take turns. Let’s first decide what to do with what I don’t like, and then we’ll move on to what worries you.”
5. “Wrong time”
If a partner does something that infuriates you, you should not report it right away. Since emotions are raging in you, everything can end in a scandal. Wait for the storm to subside.
This does not mean that you should allow yourself to wipe your feet. On the contrary, discussing a sensitive topic in a calm state, you will show your partner that you are able to stand up for yourself, but at the same time not say something that you will later regret.
6. “Not to notice the good”
Many people are very eloquent when they are offended, angry, do not fulfill their requests. But those same people skimp on words when a partner deserves gratitude, recognition, or admiration. Obviously, the majority had a conviction in their heads: since he does everything as expected, then there is no need to praise him. But if something is wrong, they will not remain silent. By the way, this approach also flourishes in corporate cultures. However, if a person is constantly criticized, he begins to doubt himself. He thinks: “No matter what I do, it’s wrong.”
But, as Mary Poppins said: “With a spoonful of sugar, it is easier to swallow a bitter medicine.” Any remark and reproach is recommended to be accompanied by two or three positive, inspiring comments. The main thing is that they sound organic.
For example, if you asked your partner to change behavior and he listened, it is important to say that you noticed this and appreciate his efforts. “Sometimes clients argue that using positive reinforcement is like treating your partner like a dog. I reply: “Perhaps. Now ask yourself why you treat your dog better than your partner,” writes Dr. Chernin.
If your partner is behaving in a way that makes you feel like a failure, make it clear that you need approval at least once in a while. The same can be done for him. Be glad out loud that he is in a good mood today, and try not to be offended by criticism.
7. “My partner is a telepath”
If you are upset about something, explain what it is. Agree, it is unfair and even ridiculous to expect that the partner himself will guess what upset you. It’s better to say it like it is.
8. “Catching bugs”
If something does not suit us, it is logical to explain why. Meanwhile, some believe that this is not necessary, and lose their temper when a partner is mistaken in something. If you recognize yourself, think about why you decided that you yourself are perfect? And what is the point of carping at his mistakes if he does not really understand what they want from him?
9. “I’m bored”
Imagine: the partner once again behaves outrageously, and you are silent. Waiting. He goes on doing bad things to you, doing it over and over again.
Eventually you explode. Instead of bombarding him with a barrage of reproaches six months after he “stepped on your tail” for the first time, express dissatisfaction immediately, or at least a second time. You simply will not have time to overflow with accumulated annoyance, and the partner will know exactly what he did wrong.
10. Walk around the bush
Such dialogues are most often accompanied by a “if only” phrase. For example: “What would you say to that guy from work who hit on you if he seriously fell in love with you?” Such hypotheses most often mean that a person does not dare to touch on a “sore” topic.
It is better to take the shortest route and ask directly about what worries and scares you.
These tips will surely come in handy for couples who constantly fall into the traps of communication. Rewrite destructive scenarios, and then the spats will not be as long and frequent. And in general, you will become better at treating each other.